HELP!!!!
Any advice on divorcing a passive aggressive wife? Say yes to virtually everything, and then does whatever she wants whenever she wants.
Cut off the credit cards and about ready to cut off the checkbook as well.
Says yes to everything ,,,gives me the creeps, and scares me.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Thank you so much for listening. Empathy costs nobody anything, takes some time, but feels damn good receiving it.
As far as my wife? There are a few emotional curves. First, she truly expresses that she hates my guts. Second, her sense of entitlement go WAY beyond what she has become accustomed to for the past 21 years – this is her Christmas Day. The Powerball all rolled into one. (It’s her last bite of the apple and she’s going to bite deep). Through all the years of breaking my ass, SHE has now decided that because she is so unhappy she deserves a better relationship. (This one hurts….If your unhappy, then just go. Nobody has ever stood in her way before, why is this different?)
Can I impoverish myself? Sure, but not on purpose. I can’t just walk away from a job that pays health insurance for me and my children. I have seizures, so I need coverage. Period!
I cannot rely on a woman who works PT at an animal shelter to do anything but pay for gas, and I forgot, after years of requesting, she has recently taken over the cell phone service….I guess the risk of tracking her calls to her “interest” was too real. What a phony she turned out to be. Won’t seem to do anything unless it suits her needs.
So, should I care? Not at all. Let her take what flesh is left on the bone and have the courts enforce me keeping the status quo. Meaning I cannot alter her standard of living.
Very very dark thoughts are crowding in sometimes. It’s pointless to even think of drawing my next breath unless it produces income or affords her a tax break of some type.
It’s not that simple, but yes, in a perfect world I would be happier and healthier.
As far as my wife? There are a few emotional curves. First, she truly expresses that she hates my guts. Second, her sense of entitlement go WAY beyond what she has become accustomed to for the past 21 years – this is her Christmas Day. The Powerball all rolled into one. (It’s her last bite of the apple and she’s going to bite deep). Through all the years of breaking my ass, SHE has now decided that because she is so unhappy she deserves a better relationship. (This one hurts….If your unhappy, then just go. Nobody has ever stood in her way before, why is this different?)
Can I impoverish myself? Sure, but not on purpose. I can’t just walk away from a job that pays health insurance for me and my children. I have seizures, so I need coverage. Period!
I cannot rely on a woman who works PT at an animal shelter to do anything but pay for gas, and I forgot, after years of requesting, she has recently taken over the cell phone service….I guess the risk of tracking her calls to her “interest” was too real. What a phony she turned out to be. Won’t seem to do anything unless it suits her needs.
So, should I care? Not at all. Let her take what flesh is left on the bone and have the courts enforce me keeping the status quo. Meaning I cannot alter her standard of living.
Very very dark thoughts are crowding in sometimes. It’s pointless to even think of drawing my next breath unless it produces income or affords her a tax break of some type.
It’s not that simple, but yes, in a perfect world I would be happier and healthier.
Monday, October 29, 2012
Hi all
Been awhile since i posted. My wife has filed for divorce three weeks ago after we had a heart to heart concerning the basis of our relationship. The word love did not come up at all, and when the word empathy was used, she flat out said she had none for me.
About three weeks ago, I had eight massive cluster seizures at work and was rushed to the ER at 1 in the afternoon. I had two more seizures in the hospital and for anyone who has had the pleasure of having a grand mal, it is very painful and disorienting.
I sat in the ER from 1pm until 11:30pm when my wife drove up and essentially gave me a ride home. Blood all over my ripped white dress shirt, caked blood on my face and hair and various cuts and scratches all over. I was a mess.
I guess she meant what she said about empathy………………A few days later and a few sexual encounters, she stiffens her spine and pursues the divorce talk in earnest. “I’m done!”
For all you following this, she then tells me “For once I am standing on my own two feet.” Okay, for those who have simply not switched off your PC’s, she was obviously referring to her emotional slavery she essentially volunteered for. It all came out. All the green slime. I am manipulative, abusive, so on and so forth……She then takes up sleeping in my sons room and closing the door at night. ??????
She wants to mediate the situation at first until my attorney calls me to inform me she has retained legal representation from one of the most expensive law firms in the county. This is how it works guys. The opposing attorneys first letter requests the the husband pay his wife’s retainer. Gulp! If the husband does not, the opposing side goes to court to have temporary support granted including legal fees AND the cost of the hearing. If such support is granted, you can be shit sure this will be the basis for future alimony. Its a wedge issue.
I have been completing a CIS (Case Information Statement) which essentially discloses all the family assets and liabilities and is the basis for making a settlement in uncontested cases. If the parties don’t agree, the wife will file for divorce claiming verbal and emotional abuse (this is my case). For people who are new, my wife has on several occasions, punched, kicked and pulled my hair in fits of rage. So now when I attempt to even discuss division of furniture, etc. she races away warning me that if I do not stop harrassing her, she will get me in BIG TROUBLE. Meaning a phony restraining order.
We will have a conference in possibly two weeks (I insisted on a face to face meeting and not a one off telephone conversations).
To ALL men out there who are not happy with the way things are and are married < 10 years. File and get out. In my state, after 10 years, the award is alimony "for life."
If you < then 10 year guys think it's going to get way better, wake the hell up and move on.
Stay tuned. I am relieved on may levels, but will not retire the way would have liked, even without the wife working one blessed day.
Been awhile since i posted. My wife has filed for divorce three weeks ago after we had a heart to heart concerning the basis of our relationship. The word love did not come up at all, and when the word empathy was used, she flat out said she had none for me.
About three weeks ago, I had eight massive cluster seizures at work and was rushed to the ER at 1 in the afternoon. I had two more seizures in the hospital and for anyone who has had the pleasure of having a grand mal, it is very painful and disorienting.
I sat in the ER from 1pm until 11:30pm when my wife drove up and essentially gave me a ride home. Blood all over my ripped white dress shirt, caked blood on my face and hair and various cuts and scratches all over. I was a mess.
I guess she meant what she said about empathy………………A few days later and a few sexual encounters, she stiffens her spine and pursues the divorce talk in earnest. “I’m done!”
For all you following this, she then tells me “For once I am standing on my own two feet.” Okay, for those who have simply not switched off your PC’s, she was obviously referring to her emotional slavery she essentially volunteered for. It all came out. All the green slime. I am manipulative, abusive, so on and so forth……She then takes up sleeping in my sons room and closing the door at night. ??????
She wants to mediate the situation at first until my attorney calls me to inform me she has retained legal representation from one of the most expensive law firms in the county. This is how it works guys. The opposing attorneys first letter requests the the husband pay his wife’s retainer. Gulp! If the husband does not, the opposing side goes to court to have temporary support granted including legal fees AND the cost of the hearing. If such support is granted, you can be shit sure this will be the basis for future alimony. Its a wedge issue.
I have been completing a CIS (Case Information Statement) which essentially discloses all the family assets and liabilities and is the basis for making a settlement in uncontested cases. If the parties don’t agree, the wife will file for divorce claiming verbal and emotional abuse (this is my case). For people who are new, my wife has on several occasions, punched, kicked and pulled my hair in fits of rage. So now when I attempt to even discuss division of furniture, etc. she races away warning me that if I do not stop harrassing her, she will get me in BIG TROUBLE. Meaning a phony restraining order.
We will have a conference in possibly two weeks (I insisted on a face to face meeting and not a one off telephone conversations).
To ALL men out there who are not happy with the way things are and are married < 10 years. File and get out. In my state, after 10 years, the award is alimony "for life."
If you < then 10 year guys think it's going to get way better, wake the hell up and move on.
Stay tuned. I am relieved on may levels, but will not retire the way would have liked, even without the wife working one blessed day.
Can’t figure if I’m on foot or horseback at the moment. Wife went from friendly mediation to hiring a schlock man killer attorney fro 0 to 60 in .2 seconds. Now she refuses to talk to me at all. These legal bills are going to break me. LDS? I’m in a fog. What’s that?
I could use some advice here. We are living together, hired attorneys, and nobody has filed yet until they see my case information statement listing where all the cash, stocks, etc are are worth and what we owe. We own a home free and clear. Vehicles, and a pretty good size 410K. I inherited a pile several years back which my operation of law is not part of equitable distribution (some good news)
She has mort worked. Has a BS (magna cum laude) and is a licensed teacher who never worked a frigging day. Home school, the whole routine. Now one is away in college, and the other attends private high school. So the wife is free from 6:30am until 4:30 pm. now, as part of her divorce, she volunteers to tell me she has had, or will plan an affaire with a man she has known for 6 years (way too much information). She told me with a smile on her face�I swear to God, and then every subsequent conversation thereafter. She even apologized for ding so and said she had no idea why she was doing it. I was SUPER cool and told her I was grateful she told me art least.
She tells me she’sms not told her family yet, so I think there is clearly a part two with this accouncement. God can only guess . So nos I have started loin for housing, but can’t until I know what alimony I am going to get saddled with for the rest of our lives�.I tried to have that conversation one night and she became angry and warned me that she was going to make things really bad for me if I didn’t stop harassing her�.I just walked away. Next day I invested in a voice activated recorder to memorialize her crazy making. First thing was getting her to talk about her love interest.
People, I put my food down, and I’m now going to get rapped in court. I know it, My attorney hugged me after our first big meeting and told me that I had done everything just perfect setting up for the future ALONE. She told me to buy a car or take a trip before parties filed.My epilepsy is off the charts again. I’m toast
I could use some advice here. We are living together, hired attorneys, and nobody has filed yet until they see my case information statement listing where all the cash, stocks, etc are are worth and what we owe. We own a home free and clear. Vehicles, and a pretty good size 410K. I inherited a pile several years back which my operation of law is not part of equitable distribution (some good news)
She has mort worked. Has a BS (magna cum laude) and is a licensed teacher who never worked a frigging day. Home school, the whole routine. Now one is away in college, and the other attends private high school. So the wife is free from 6:30am until 4:30 pm. now, as part of her divorce, she volunteers to tell me she has had, or will plan an affaire with a man she has known for 6 years (way too much information). She told me with a smile on her face�I swear to God, and then every subsequent conversation thereafter. She even apologized for ding so and said she had no idea why she was doing it. I was SUPER cool and told her I was grateful she told me art least.
She tells me she’sms not told her family yet, so I think there is clearly a part two with this accouncement. God can only guess . So nos I have started loin for housing, but can’t until I know what alimony I am going to get saddled with for the rest of our lives�.I tried to have that conversation one night and she became angry and warned me that she was going to make things really bad for me if I didn’t stop harassing her�.I just walked away. Next day I invested in a voice activated recorder to memorialize her crazy making. First thing was getting her to talk about her love interest.
People, I put my food down, and I’m now going to get rapped in court. I know it, My attorney hugged me after our first big meeting and told me that I had done everything just perfect setting up for the future ALONE. She told me to buy a car or take a trip before parties filed.My epilepsy is off the charts again. I’m toast
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Read Chapter 2. Joan Lundon sums it up……Halarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://books.google.com/books?id=F2cr0G_ZWmEC&pg=PT128&lpg=PT128&dq=Joan+Lunden+complains+about+paying+alimony&source=bl&ots=it6hulklbf&sig=I_LwBgbUl01cUgBmVZ0NfvdEXKM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QTvjT-jSF8Pg0gGa-I3PAw&ved=0CHEQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=Joan%20Lunden%20complains%20about%20paying%20alimony&f=false
http://books.google.com/books?id=F2cr0G_ZWmEC&pg=PT128&lpg=PT128&dq=Joan+Lunden+complains+about+paying+alimony&source=bl&ots=it6hulklbf&sig=I_LwBgbUl01cUgBmVZ0NfvdEXKM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QTvjT-jSF8Pg0gGa-I3PAw&ved=0CHEQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=Joan%20Lunden%20complains%20about%20paying%20alimony&f=false
Friday, October 12, 2012
It’s sad to read about your initial stages of this dilemma. You are articulating the earlier stages of this abusive entitlement mind set. My hope for you is that she discovers her own worth and can express her empowerment in a healthy way toward you. I made a mistake of calling my wife out to account for her unwillingness to tap into her vast source of unused income potential. She heard it as a threat and has acted accordingly since then. Meaning behaving as if doing so benefits me (personally) as some type of a favor, and not as a healthy enrichment of all of our lives.
I regret approaching her this way, and wish I could have done so while showing more dignity and maturity for my part. The temptation to freak out (after several years of asking, begging etc) is so strong. I wish I had taken more of the high road that has led me to where we are today. Two people not on the same page, angry and resentful (spiteful at times) over this very issue. It is an issue that touches on all the basic characteristics of a mature healthy relationship that enriches everyone.
It is often perverted into men being verbally abusive toward their spouse, unsupportive, cold, money hungry, selfish gorillas, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Asking for something that meets your needs is not a crime or indication that we are needy and unworthy. Men are taught not to have feelings and needs. We “do” things and are expected of us to meet our spouses needs with a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts, and never question what doing so gives us as far as satisfaction.
In my case the very thought of asking for anything important to fulfilling my needs is automatically viewed by my wife, her family and friends as unacceptable and confirmation that she is trapped in a bad relationship. Again, if a woman leaves her husband, he is a bad guy. If a guy leaves his wife, it’s “a bad relationship.”
Me and my wife have probably had our last fight over this topic after all the years of pitch and toss. The ill feelings have finally led to my wife assessing her level of dissatisfaction in the relationship and asking me for a divorce. I’m both happy and sad thing could not have been worked out long ago.
My two cents are to stay above the fray. Stay in a good emotional place, don’t give in to fighting (it’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. Pointless!
If I had to do it again? I would have laid it out calmly and then proceed from that to outline concrete solutions. Least of which would have been a threat of divorce (tempting not to put out there out of pure frustration). No, I would have just put the checking account and credit cards in my name and kept looking forward while ignoring all the talk about economic or mental abuse. In short, I would have thrown a saddle on that horse from day one before societal and family dynamics solidified under my feet.
I wish you luck staying quiet, strong and focused. From where I stand today, we might of been divorced years ago before it got to this point. I would have rather known earlier before things got more legally binding and complicated. You will be sad either way if these issues are not settled. Tell her that you would like to have a conversation, and not the last word.
See what happens
I regret approaching her this way, and wish I could have done so while showing more dignity and maturity for my part. The temptation to freak out (after several years of asking, begging etc) is so strong. I wish I had taken more of the high road that has led me to where we are today. Two people not on the same page, angry and resentful (spiteful at times) over this very issue. It is an issue that touches on all the basic characteristics of a mature healthy relationship that enriches everyone.
It is often perverted into men being verbally abusive toward their spouse, unsupportive, cold, money hungry, selfish gorillas, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Asking for something that meets your needs is not a crime or indication that we are needy and unworthy. Men are taught not to have feelings and needs. We “do” things and are expected of us to meet our spouses needs with a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts, and never question what doing so gives us as far as satisfaction.
In my case the very thought of asking for anything important to fulfilling my needs is automatically viewed by my wife, her family and friends as unacceptable and confirmation that she is trapped in a bad relationship. Again, if a woman leaves her husband, he is a bad guy. If a guy leaves his wife, it’s “a bad relationship.”
Me and my wife have probably had our last fight over this topic after all the years of pitch and toss. The ill feelings have finally led to my wife assessing her level of dissatisfaction in the relationship and asking me for a divorce. I’m both happy and sad thing could not have been worked out long ago.
My two cents are to stay above the fray. Stay in a good emotional place, don’t give in to fighting (it’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. Pointless!
If I had to do it again? I would have laid it out calmly and then proceed from that to outline concrete solutions. Least of which would have been a threat of divorce (tempting not to put out there out of pure frustration). No, I would have just put the checking account and credit cards in my name and kept looking forward while ignoring all the talk about economic or mental abuse. In short, I would have thrown a saddle on that horse from day one before societal and family dynamics solidified under my feet.
I wish you luck staying quiet, strong and focused. From where I stand today, we might of been divorced years ago before it got to this point. I would have rather known earlier before things got more legally binding and complicated. You will be sad either way if these issues are not settled. Tell her that you would like to have a conversation, and not the last word.
See what happens
Monday, September 10, 2012
Whodo
You sound depressed and trapped.
I have come to some realizations. One: If a woman feels depressed or has her own self esteem issues, her journey to recovery involves a lot of talk of “taking back her power” yadda yadda yadda. My first question is from whom is she taking back power from?
If a man (you and I sound pretty down and out) our “awakening or taking back our power suggest we are misogynist and subject of a good two part program on Ophra on how men are abusive and cause woman to have depression. Tears…..the whole nine yards.
I feel the same way. Take the remaining cash you own (inheritence, whatever) pack a small bag, and make the best of it. In Reality? Your wife will hate you more, but at the end of the day she will have to do something. Everyone has to do something and she sounds like she needs a boot in the backside to move forward.
Like the articles say. We’ve tried EVERYTHING!
Maybe the kids will someday understand. Maybe not…..
All I know for sure are there are days I sit in my car outside my house and literally have panic attacks walking in. I am kept in the dark on both big and little things, and then when I’ve had enough, I explode. Emotional frustration explosion…not violent. THEN I’m labled as “abusive,” or worse, emotionally absent. That hurts….
You sound depressed and trapped.
I have come to some realizations. One: If a woman feels depressed or has her own self esteem issues, her journey to recovery involves a lot of talk of “taking back her power” yadda yadda yadda. My first question is from whom is she taking back power from?
If a man (you and I sound pretty down and out) our “awakening or taking back our power suggest we are misogynist and subject of a good two part program on Ophra on how men are abusive and cause woman to have depression. Tears…..the whole nine yards.
I feel the same way. Take the remaining cash you own (inheritence, whatever) pack a small bag, and make the best of it. In Reality? Your wife will hate you more, but at the end of the day she will have to do something. Everyone has to do something and she sounds like she needs a boot in the backside to move forward.
Like the articles say. We’ve tried EVERYTHING!
Maybe the kids will someday understand. Maybe not…..
All I know for sure are there are days I sit in my car outside my house and literally have panic attacks walking in. I am kept in the dark on both big and little things, and then when I’ve had enough, I explode. Emotional frustration explosion…not violent. THEN I’m labled as “abusive,” or worse, emotionally absent. That hurts….
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Speaking for myself, I’m tired of feeling like this. I said this to my wife in a marriage counseling session : “Everything would be so much better if I just shut my F’ing mouth and go to work.” Then the rock side of the two hard places implores me to stop being emotionally unavailable to my children. Complicate that with one of my sons getting mixed up in dealing and doing drugs, thrown out of school and running into the law AND being blamed by my wife for his behavior.
She took advantage of SHM status. However, our boys were not greeted at the door after school with a peanut butter sandwich and an apple……More like grabbing a box pizza or a box of mac. and cheese. Meaning no planned meals…..Sort of like a moth on a lightbulb with household duties. Yes, duties! Dr. Phil and Ophra would have a whole series on how abusive men are who even suggest such an idea!
Watching us ignore one another as a coping mechanism reminds me how short life is. Watching all types of couples looking at one another and seemingly want to be present for and with one another makes my chest tight.
As sure as I can be about anything, the “therapy” she goes to every two weeks (in between missed sessions I also pay for at $160 a crack) informs her new found indepenence from the oppressive marriage we have.
I have since refused to pay for her therapy (the miised appointments was that deal breaker) and that was proof positive what a manipulative and controlling husband I am. Truth, why should I pay for a “girls night” with a social worker who is a cheerleader for this nonsense.
More truth, telling her to foot that bill made me very uncomfortible and made me seriously question if was was in fact a controlling monster of a husband….BTW: This social worker is divorced from a womaizing husband. (JUST GREAT!)
A year ago I asked my wife to come back to marriage counseling. Her response was ‘What purpose will that serve if you just don’t change your behavior.” BINGO! Who’s the manipulator?
There are days I can tolerate the situation, but there are more days when her repressed anger gets the best of me. I hold my wife’s hand walking on the beach on vacation (It felt so scary) and feel like I was pulling a metal wagon. I know the feelings are there, but her $160/ hr. coping skills coach has now taken her place as the third person in our marriage steering her to even higher levels of repressed anger.
Thanks for listening
She took advantage of SHM status. However, our boys were not greeted at the door after school with a peanut butter sandwich and an apple……More like grabbing a box pizza or a box of mac. and cheese. Meaning no planned meals…..Sort of like a moth on a lightbulb with household duties. Yes, duties! Dr. Phil and Ophra would have a whole series on how abusive men are who even suggest such an idea!
Watching us ignore one another as a coping mechanism reminds me how short life is. Watching all types of couples looking at one another and seemingly want to be present for and with one another makes my chest tight.
As sure as I can be about anything, the “therapy” she goes to every two weeks (in between missed sessions I also pay for at $160 a crack) informs her new found indepenence from the oppressive marriage we have.
I have since refused to pay for her therapy (the miised appointments was that deal breaker) and that was proof positive what a manipulative and controlling husband I am. Truth, why should I pay for a “girls night” with a social worker who is a cheerleader for this nonsense.
More truth, telling her to foot that bill made me very uncomfortible and made me seriously question if was was in fact a controlling monster of a husband….BTW: This social worker is divorced from a womaizing husband. (JUST GREAT!)
A year ago I asked my wife to come back to marriage counseling. Her response was ‘What purpose will that serve if you just don’t change your behavior.” BINGO! Who’s the manipulator?
There are days I can tolerate the situation, but there are more days when her repressed anger gets the best of me. I hold my wife’s hand walking on the beach on vacation (It felt so scary) and feel like I was pulling a metal wagon. I know the feelings are there, but her $160/ hr. coping skills coach has now taken her place as the third person in our marriage steering her to even higher levels of repressed anger.
Thanks for listening
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Hi Again
Talk about depression………….I had some time yesterday and went on an Ophra like web site for woman. The subject is the opposite of this site.
The stories were incredibly similar, except for the FACT that the men they were writing about were catagorized as being significantly mentally ill, or outcasts from society.
One woman went on and on about being tired of work, even though she admitted her hubby was a great Dad. Called him selfish, childish and a loafer. In short, there is a common thread across gender lines. It occured to me that if both partners “shared” we might actually have more quality time together rather then one partner being bone tired or resentful to the point of shutting down.
It does not follow that so called liberated woman, by virtue of finding their personal ‘truth” or some other arcaine “I am woman hear me roar” suppressed anger get to make all the choices. Especially when it is clear society and laws favor woman’s right to do so. At worst, certain woman (entitled out the wazzoo) force the issue without too much public stigma on their part. In fact, nobody gives a rusty (you know what) that men suffer the same way these woman do becasue that is just how it is, or should be.
In my case, if I quit my job or was suddenly unemployed, did not seek new employment on any meaningful level, and then decided to devote 75% of my time doing animal rescue (on my wife’s dime) I would be heavily medicated and purhaps institutionalized without a moments debate as to why. Truth of the matter. I would almost expect to end up in the Ha Ha Hotel trying to bite off my own left ear………….In society these men are pathetic paracites, and these woman are given a free pass. AND, if a man truly objects, a judge will guaranty these woman an income stream to keep up their good work. The deck is stacked, the game rigged and the house ALWAYS wins!
Talk about depression………….I had some time yesterday and went on an Ophra like web site for woman. The subject is the opposite of this site.
The stories were incredibly similar, except for the FACT that the men they were writing about were catagorized as being significantly mentally ill, or outcasts from society.
One woman went on and on about being tired of work, even though she admitted her hubby was a great Dad. Called him selfish, childish and a loafer. In short, there is a common thread across gender lines. It occured to me that if both partners “shared” we might actually have more quality time together rather then one partner being bone tired or resentful to the point of shutting down.
It does not follow that so called liberated woman, by virtue of finding their personal ‘truth” or some other arcaine “I am woman hear me roar” suppressed anger get to make all the choices. Especially when it is clear society and laws favor woman’s right to do so. At worst, certain woman (entitled out the wazzoo) force the issue without too much public stigma on their part. In fact, nobody gives a rusty (you know what) that men suffer the same way these woman do becasue that is just how it is, or should be.
In my case, if I quit my job or was suddenly unemployed, did not seek new employment on any meaningful level, and then decided to devote 75% of my time doing animal rescue (on my wife’s dime) I would be heavily medicated and purhaps institutionalized without a moments debate as to why. Truth of the matter. I would almost expect to end up in the Ha Ha Hotel trying to bite off my own left ear………….In society these men are pathetic paracites, and these woman are given a free pass. AND, if a man truly objects, a judge will guaranty these woman an income stream to keep up their good work. The deck is stacked, the game rigged and the house ALWAYS wins!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Yes, it is a bad for all gender children to see what entitlement looks like. In my world the sad part is my wife has a billion ideas for our boys to find employment, and nags them to no end to work work work…..Makes me want to puke becasue of the “do as I say and not what I do” insanity.
If I dare go there and bring this up (even in an email, or a whisper) I am verbally abusive. It’s a complete no win with this emotional cripple. If i engage, it’s a bad thing. If I don’t she one ups and totally shuts down (with one eye over her shoulder watching my reactions). I think they call that emotional blackmail…..Maybe? Maybe not?
Again, she comes off like the nicest open and hard working person on the planet. Example: I stopped by the animal shelter she “works” at and a few of her co- “workers” needed to bring to my attention how hard she works…………….How fantastic is with cleaning and organizing. Again, I took it in stride and at the same time boiled over that this nonsense purely enriches her life and NOBODY elses. In other words, we should all be happy becasue she is.
I better not get going this morning. The 4th weekend was a total bust for me and I’m trying not to let it spill over into the day.
If I dare go there and bring this up (even in an email, or a whisper) I am verbally abusive. It’s a complete no win with this emotional cripple. If i engage, it’s a bad thing. If I don’t she one ups and totally shuts down (with one eye over her shoulder watching my reactions). I think they call that emotional blackmail…..Maybe? Maybe not?
Again, she comes off like the nicest open and hard working person on the planet. Example: I stopped by the animal shelter she “works” at and a few of her co- “workers” needed to bring to my attention how hard she works…………….How fantastic is with cleaning and organizing. Again, I took it in stride and at the same time boiled over that this nonsense purely enriches her life and NOBODY elses. In other words, we should all be happy becasue she is.
I better not get going this morning. The 4th weekend was a total bust for me and I’m trying not to let it spill over into the day.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Thanks
That thought is very real. Frankly, I think it is also my wife’s plan as well. I don’t feel the love……I listen to all the Oprah top ten reasons, including verbal abuse (I guess explaining the facts of life is too much for her to process without getting uncomfortible).
I’m not present for my family. (this hurts the most…..I do what I am supposed to do and then must be responsible for everyone’s emotional needs as well?) You hit the nail on the head with your experience with your Mom. She is just out of touch and even a discussion on our goals and plans makes me feel unbalanced. She has no problems asking me what I am doing, and why. Yet when I inquire, I get answers such as “It’s none of your business….” Or worse, she says NOTHING.
Calling in an air strike on myself? You bet, but that is just part of our laws and culture. However, most of the people like me who moved on, all tell me the financial hits have been huge and the ongoing alimoney painful and unfair, but in the rear view mirror, was nessasary and worth it.
Every single counselor I or we have both seen together and alone agree that I have a hangup moving on and (as you said about your Mom) have childhood issues behind there embarrassingly and shameful behavior. He Dad died when she was 4 or 5 and that has SO messed up some of the children in that family. Her Mom had no Dad. Her Grandmother had no Dad….I’m 7 years older then my Wife….Ding Ding Ding…..I had a stable job and a bright future.
I’m getting upset rehasing, so I’ll just leave it alone. I am SO unhappy and uncomfortible being in my own home. I literally can’t stay too long in the same room, unless I engage her in conversation her cat business. then she lights up like a fire fly…..It’s pathetic!
That thought is very real. Frankly, I think it is also my wife’s plan as well. I don’t feel the love……I listen to all the Oprah top ten reasons, including verbal abuse (I guess explaining the facts of life is too much for her to process without getting uncomfortible).
I’m not present for my family. (this hurts the most…..I do what I am supposed to do and then must be responsible for everyone’s emotional needs as well?) You hit the nail on the head with your experience with your Mom. She is just out of touch and even a discussion on our goals and plans makes me feel unbalanced. She has no problems asking me what I am doing, and why. Yet when I inquire, I get answers such as “It’s none of your business….” Or worse, she says NOTHING.
Calling in an air strike on myself? You bet, but that is just part of our laws and culture. However, most of the people like me who moved on, all tell me the financial hits have been huge and the ongoing alimoney painful and unfair, but in the rear view mirror, was nessasary and worth it.
Every single counselor I or we have both seen together and alone agree that I have a hangup moving on and (as you said about your Mom) have childhood issues behind there embarrassingly and shameful behavior. He Dad died when she was 4 or 5 and that has SO messed up some of the children in that family. Her Mom had no Dad. Her Grandmother had no Dad….I’m 7 years older then my Wife….Ding Ding Ding…..I had a stable job and a bright future.
I’m getting upset rehasing, so I’ll just leave it alone. I am SO unhappy and uncomfortible being in my own home. I literally can’t stay too long in the same room, unless I engage her in conversation her cat business. then she lights up like a fire fly…..It’s pathetic!
Mary
Thanks again. Yes, the animals rank, but she is used to commanding situations as did her Mom when she was growing up. Our two boys are a year apart, so on a Saturday morning they sometimes got themselves some cereal and watched a few shows while she nagged in the background to vaccume the house. Dust. Take out the trash, etc etc…
Since the boys really didn’t want to do it when she wanted to do it, the way she wanted it done, all hell would occasionally break lose and since they listened to me she would whip everyone into her act. Sometimes it would go on all day….I didn’t appreciate it, and i was damn to hell for not cracking the whip. it was like just one more example of what a failure I am as a Dad. A Dad she never had…..it’s complicated.
However, when she wanted something, the tone changed.
I feel like I’m more tolerated than appreciated. I still can’t fully explain the feelings.
Our oldest got caught up (got himself caught up) in drugs, dealing….all that crap. She basically put a gun to my head and with the help of her therapist, devised a plan to whip me into submission (shame on me for not taking that opportunity to open the door for her).
Short end. I spent $150 k on a wilderness program and a boarding school which I said before, during and after was going to be a farce and would result in him returning to our house and picking up where he left off. BINGO! I was right on all counts. However, he now beleives he is entitled to a four year college to “maybe” study history. His reasoning is teaches get the summers off and can retire after 20 years…………….So, his world view is he starts out at the end…..I wonder where he picked all that up? So, I have dug my heels in and keep reminding EVERYONE that I have reponsibility to our youngest son and protect him from drug dealing and all the other nonsense + protect myself. it’s up to the other two to get in the boat or not, and to row.
I’m in a place where it is really make or break. She can’t threaten me again. She can go if she pleases, but another part of my not engaging has to do with “vindictive and manipulative, spoiled woman 101” meaning phony restraining orders and such.
What a way to live….Right? BTW. The oldest who has all his issues, blames me for all of it. Flat out told me i was not a good Dad and that i didn’t meet his needs……Do I need say more? Where did he get that? Two boys, one year apart. Same parents. Same house….all of it, yet the youngest and i have a good relationship. We are not best buddies, but we have healthy respectful boundries and can actually communicate with one another without, guilt or shame. He actually opened my eyes to the fact that I am not the devil and I am always interested in what he has to say. he’s the only one who asks me how i am. If I feel ok (I have a seizure disorder) or that i should rest becasue i look tired…..etc. he gets right in when I can’t walk so well. Our Jack Russel sits on me if I’m about to have a seizure, and my son gets me a pillow or glass of water. So, I do mean something to some people – even our dog.
Your Mom sounds like my wife. She can’t help rescue cats. Rather she thinks she is the only one on the planet who can do it right, so in her world there is “no cat left behind.” Her family (no exceptions) are all compulsive ADHD to the max. Brother likes fishing, and now has a collection of tackle that literally rivels any tackle store i have ever seen. Only the very best of the best of equipment…..It’s creepy and completely out of balance.
He talks everyone into going fishing with him, and after about three times it dawned on me that all we were doing was watch him fish and talk about his equipment.
My point is your Mom sounds like she lives in her on little world and won’t let anyone in (too closely). yep! Church people, freinds….everyone loves her. Always smiling and talking to them (mostly about animals) then we drive home and she stares out the passenger window.
I ask her why she’s cold or detached and she jumps all over me about some long winded belief (al la her therapist) that nobody can make another person happy or sad, yadda yadda…..Actually its repressed anger and it does affect me and my feelings.
I three years my boys should be out on their own. being around her and those animals is just not in my cards.
I know it and hear what you said about your Dad loud and clear.
Thanks
Thanks again. Yes, the animals rank, but she is used to commanding situations as did her Mom when she was growing up. Our two boys are a year apart, so on a Saturday morning they sometimes got themselves some cereal and watched a few shows while she nagged in the background to vaccume the house. Dust. Take out the trash, etc etc…
Since the boys really didn’t want to do it when she wanted to do it, the way she wanted it done, all hell would occasionally break lose and since they listened to me she would whip everyone into her act. Sometimes it would go on all day….I didn’t appreciate it, and i was damn to hell for not cracking the whip. it was like just one more example of what a failure I am as a Dad. A Dad she never had…..it’s complicated.
However, when she wanted something, the tone changed.
I feel like I’m more tolerated than appreciated. I still can’t fully explain the feelings.
Our oldest got caught up (got himself caught up) in drugs, dealing….all that crap. She basically put a gun to my head and with the help of her therapist, devised a plan to whip me into submission (shame on me for not taking that opportunity to open the door for her).
Short end. I spent $150 k on a wilderness program and a boarding school which I said before, during and after was going to be a farce and would result in him returning to our house and picking up where he left off. BINGO! I was right on all counts. However, he now beleives he is entitled to a four year college to “maybe” study history. His reasoning is teaches get the summers off and can retire after 20 years…………….So, his world view is he starts out at the end…..I wonder where he picked all that up? So, I have dug my heels in and keep reminding EVERYONE that I have reponsibility to our youngest son and protect him from drug dealing and all the other nonsense + protect myself. it’s up to the other two to get in the boat or not, and to row.
I’m in a place where it is really make or break. She can’t threaten me again. She can go if she pleases, but another part of my not engaging has to do with “vindictive and manipulative, spoiled woman 101” meaning phony restraining orders and such.
What a way to live….Right? BTW. The oldest who has all his issues, blames me for all of it. Flat out told me i was not a good Dad and that i didn’t meet his needs……Do I need say more? Where did he get that? Two boys, one year apart. Same parents. Same house….all of it, yet the youngest and i have a good relationship. We are not best buddies, but we have healthy respectful boundries and can actually communicate with one another without, guilt or shame. He actually opened my eyes to the fact that I am not the devil and I am always interested in what he has to say. he’s the only one who asks me how i am. If I feel ok (I have a seizure disorder) or that i should rest becasue i look tired…..etc. he gets right in when I can’t walk so well. Our Jack Russel sits on me if I’m about to have a seizure, and my son gets me a pillow or glass of water. So, I do mean something to some people – even our dog.
Your Mom sounds like my wife. She can’t help rescue cats. Rather she thinks she is the only one on the planet who can do it right, so in her world there is “no cat left behind.” Her family (no exceptions) are all compulsive ADHD to the max. Brother likes fishing, and now has a collection of tackle that literally rivels any tackle store i have ever seen. Only the very best of the best of equipment…..It’s creepy and completely out of balance.
He talks everyone into going fishing with him, and after about three times it dawned on me that all we were doing was watch him fish and talk about his equipment.
My point is your Mom sounds like she lives in her on little world and won’t let anyone in (too closely). yep! Church people, freinds….everyone loves her. Always smiling and talking to them (mostly about animals) then we drive home and she stares out the passenger window.
I ask her why she’s cold or detached and she jumps all over me about some long winded belief (al la her therapist) that nobody can make another person happy or sad, yadda yadda…..Actually its repressed anger and it does affect me and my feelings.
I three years my boys should be out on their own. being around her and those animals is just not in my cards.
I know it and hear what you said about your Dad loud and clear.
Thanks
Monday, July 2, 2012
Hi Mary
Nice to hear from a woman who seems to have her priorities in order. I feel pretty cheated that I married a person who I thought was going to build a life with me and not totally change in ways I never saw coming.
Needy? Childhood? OMG! You have no idea…………..There were signs, but not for one moment did I imagine I would be as unhappy as I am today.
I’m almost done trying to fix things or figure somebody out from the point of view of a therapist. We all have issues, it’s just a matter of what degree we express them.
I’ve got a good job as far as money goes, and i have made a lot of very good (lucky) decisions that have put our family on a comforible path. Truth is, I wanted to ditch my career in hopes that it would somehow make us closer. No other way to express this. I am just uncomfortible around my wife and our oldest son who are both expert at blaming others for their problems or challenges. Our youngest son gets up every day as do I, and we do what we are supposed to do. The other two save cats full time, and the other sells and smokes pot or spends so much energy thinking of ways to get high, or get over on people.
It’s never been part of my values and when I heard the nickle drop years ago I was right to question why i would stay in such and unhealthy relationship with essentially a child.
Trust me, she comes off like a baby seal on the ice to get what she wants, only now she is openly hostile toward me and feels pretty empowered doing that. It’s like payback for being a victim of my own success.
I’m just in a dead zone.
I am glad you wrote, and actually you give me hope.
Regards,
Tom
Nice to hear from a woman who seems to have her priorities in order. I feel pretty cheated that I married a person who I thought was going to build a life with me and not totally change in ways I never saw coming.
Needy? Childhood? OMG! You have no idea…………..There were signs, but not for one moment did I imagine I would be as unhappy as I am today.
I’m almost done trying to fix things or figure somebody out from the point of view of a therapist. We all have issues, it’s just a matter of what degree we express them.
I’ve got a good job as far as money goes, and i have made a lot of very good (lucky) decisions that have put our family on a comforible path. Truth is, I wanted to ditch my career in hopes that it would somehow make us closer. No other way to express this. I am just uncomfortible around my wife and our oldest son who are both expert at blaming others for their problems or challenges. Our youngest son gets up every day as do I, and we do what we are supposed to do. The other two save cats full time, and the other sells and smokes pot or spends so much energy thinking of ways to get high, or get over on people.
It’s never been part of my values and when I heard the nickle drop years ago I was right to question why i would stay in such and unhealthy relationship with essentially a child.
Trust me, she comes off like a baby seal on the ice to get what she wants, only now she is openly hostile toward me and feels pretty empowered doing that. It’s like payback for being a victim of my own success.
I’m just in a dead zone.
I am glad you wrote, and actually you give me hope.
Regards,
Tom
Friday, June 29, 2012
Too funny. I’m laughing with you BTW.
I hear you loud and clear. I’ve given up on asking, telling, yelling….all of it.
In my case my wife proclaims not to need me or anyone else.
So when the voice in her head changes to a kind, supportive and emotionally engaged partner, I know what’s next since the day before she has made plans with her family about vacations, etc……my answer (served up cold) is “You don’t need my permission.”
The first time I said that to her, her facial expression went blank and her head cocked to one side like a dog hearing a strange new sound. Then I said I wish i could go, but “we” simply don’t have that kind of cash to spend at the moment. It was priceless when she actually took money out of “her” account and paid for the trip.
Making plans without me cost her some serious $’s. Her choices, her dime. Again, she doesn’t need anybody.
I hear you loud and clear. I’ve given up on asking, telling, yelling….all of it.
In my case my wife proclaims not to need me or anyone else.
So when the voice in her head changes to a kind, supportive and emotionally engaged partner, I know what’s next since the day before she has made plans with her family about vacations, etc……my answer (served up cold) is “You don’t need my permission.”
The first time I said that to her, her facial expression went blank and her head cocked to one side like a dog hearing a strange new sound. Then I said I wish i could go, but “we” simply don’t have that kind of cash to spend at the moment. It was priceless when she actually took money out of “her” account and paid for the trip.
Making plans without me cost her some serious $’s. Her choices, her dime. Again, she doesn’t need anybody.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
SAHM’s can, from what I can see outside of their closed doors, to take their responsibilities very seriously. No doubt about it, but there are men who make that all happen as providers who stay to themselves and still feel like furniture.
My question would be why a person with your pretty together life, be reading our pathetic post or on this web site at all?
Regards
My question would be why a person with your pretty together life, be reading our pathetic post or on this web site at all?
Regards
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
You sound like you have your priorities in order. My wife home schooled our youngest and that worked out well, and like you exposed them to different structured activities (some they liked, others not, but at least they were exposed to them). My line of work is stressful, and during the years when things were very lean I could not make many mistakes – thus more time making myself indespensible (sp).
I never promised a rose garden. Your husband sounds like he is a good provider and not in need of additional resources to allow your children all this enrichment. I did the best i could, and since my wife has a very short memory, my recent success has exposed me to open blame that I was not emotionally there for them all. Duh…..I was working while she enriched our son’s lives. Why now the persecution by her and her whole family/ Our oldest son is in trouble and required us to remove him from our home (by force) into a wilderness/boarding school program that has stretched our financies to the limit. Youngest is 16 and oldest 18.
6 years ago I developed seizures which makes commuting by car two hours a day sometime life threatening for myself and the others on the road. She did not skip a beat and three years ago started in a huge way to rescue animals. BTW: we had at one point 60 (yes 60) cats at our home which required her full time. it’s not a question of me providing a living for the family, it became supporting (her words) her hobby. So, our family took a back seat while she did what she “wanted.” In the meantime I fell into her guilt trip and beleived I was in fact an absentee father. She continually told me that everything was about me and that I really didn’t care about their emotional wellbeing. THEN, I heard the nickel drop……All about me? The animal rescue “hobby” does NOTHING to enrich our family and is in fact all about her. She sought counseling to “cope” with her emotions, and now she is a very distant, and self assured assertive person who does not give a rusty “F” what my feelings are. Ah….psycotherapy and “O” Magazine…….Men will always come up way short on expressing our feelings. In fact, it is best if we have none. Go to work. Smile and bury emotions so deep……it’s that easy. No problems.
You sound like a very together person, and i am as sure as i can be about anything you would do whatever you could to help your husband to assure the stress of his health issues and anxiety were addressed. I also hear that you love your husband. I’ll leave you with that.
I’m happy you wrote back. Be well
I never promised a rose garden. Your husband sounds like he is a good provider and not in need of additional resources to allow your children all this enrichment. I did the best i could, and since my wife has a very short memory, my recent success has exposed me to open blame that I was not emotionally there for them all. Duh…..I was working while she enriched our son’s lives. Why now the persecution by her and her whole family/ Our oldest son is in trouble and required us to remove him from our home (by force) into a wilderness/boarding school program that has stretched our financies to the limit. Youngest is 16 and oldest 18.
6 years ago I developed seizures which makes commuting by car two hours a day sometime life threatening for myself and the others on the road. She did not skip a beat and three years ago started in a huge way to rescue animals. BTW: we had at one point 60 (yes 60) cats at our home which required her full time. it’s not a question of me providing a living for the family, it became supporting (her words) her hobby. So, our family took a back seat while she did what she “wanted.” In the meantime I fell into her guilt trip and beleived I was in fact an absentee father. She continually told me that everything was about me and that I really didn’t care about their emotional wellbeing. THEN, I heard the nickel drop……All about me? The animal rescue “hobby” does NOTHING to enrich our family and is in fact all about her. She sought counseling to “cope” with her emotions, and now she is a very distant, and self assured assertive person who does not give a rusty “F” what my feelings are. Ah….psycotherapy and “O” Magazine…….Men will always come up way short on expressing our feelings. In fact, it is best if we have none. Go to work. Smile and bury emotions so deep……it’s that easy. No problems.
You sound like a very together person, and i am as sure as i can be about anything you would do whatever you could to help your husband to assure the stress of his health issues and anxiety were addressed. I also hear that you love your husband. I’ll leave you with that.
I’m happy you wrote back. Be well
Show and need. Emotionally unconnected to the world, which the last time I took noticed had our house connected to it. I work full time and provide everything, even when things were so tight it seemed impossible. Yet, it is me who is emotionally unavailble to my family. That frigging hurts the worst. She is off at the zoo, pumpkin picking, going to the beach with our boys while I did what I was supposed to do. Let’s just say she kept me at arms length (I feels that way).
She has always loved animals, or has needed to love animals. We all like to do things and find some connection with people doing so. The vast majority of the woman she pals around with rescuing cats are divorced and many look like abused animals themselves. The laugh of it is she thinks most of them are crazy people. She’s unhappy I can’t be who she wants, so she writes early on in or marriage (manybe 2 years) while we were on vacation that she wanted to throw a glass of wine in my face and end it then.In that situation I recollect I was recovering from food posioning, had worked all day, drove all the way (6 hours) to Cape Cod in traffic while stopping every 50 miles to crap my guts out. I was not talkative enough???????
What was I? Captain Stubing on the Love Boat? Give me a break……..
We all have our story lines and I am FAR from perfect, but I should have never accepted or took seriously her proposal to get married. On reflection, it was probably a manic moment for her and the see saw has gone on for 21 years.
I will have peace, and beleive it or not, I’m getting closer to the door.
She has always loved animals, or has needed to love animals. We all like to do things and find some connection with people doing so. The vast majority of the woman she pals around with rescuing cats are divorced and many look like abused animals themselves. The laugh of it is she thinks most of them are crazy people. She’s unhappy I can’t be who she wants, so she writes early on in or marriage (manybe 2 years) while we were on vacation that she wanted to throw a glass of wine in my face and end it then.In that situation I recollect I was recovering from food posioning, had worked all day, drove all the way (6 hours) to Cape Cod in traffic while stopping every 50 miles to crap my guts out. I was not talkative enough???????
What was I? Captain Stubing on the Love Boat? Give me a break……..
We all have our story lines and I am FAR from perfect, but I should have never accepted or took seriously her proposal to get married. On reflection, it was probably a manic moment for her and the see saw has gone on for 21 years.
I will have peace, and beleive it or not, I’m getting closer to the door.
Monday, June 25, 2012
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Perfect-Times-to-Tell-the-Truth-When-to-Tell-the-Truth/1
This is what woman really think? Can anyone seriously beleive any of this makes sense? I like the part about her husband being a lout and out of work too much.
It’s rigged for men. A no win….
This is what woman really think? Can anyone seriously beleive any of this makes sense? I like the part about her husband being a lout and out of work too much.
It’s rigged for men. A no win….
Thursday, June 21, 2012
I’m so sorry. It’s what Husbands and Fathers are put on earth to do I guess. I’ve explained in previous posts that our son has been in rehab. He finally received his HS diploma and my wife is pushing him to apply to 4 year colleges. I have my values and a boy who did and sold drugs, failed HS, and had a gun in my house does not change his stripes in 8 months….so, as I said from day one. He is now back home and fully expecting us (me) to underwrite a $37 K/ year college in Arizona because he has a pulse. think of it. A young man with substance abuse and behavior problems goes away to live on campus…..I don’t even have to imagine that outcome. I put it this way (I say almost nothing anymore. I refuse to engage) that everyone should have an education, but nobody is entitled to one.
Of the four people in our home, two people do not work, and two get up EVERY day and do what we are supposed to do. Me and our youngest son. Again, I made it clear (in the most constructive and calm way I could) I will do whatever it takes to protect him and me.
There are two others who have the untapped capacity to make all their dreams come true, but have chosen impose their “wants” onto the other two.
I get it. The writing is on the wall. When it comes to the 11th hour (that is the pathology in our family. My wife refuses to engage until the last second and then threatens in the most passive aggressive way possible) to get her way. Whether it be, blame, shame or guilt. PLUS, I have her family pouring on at the same time, but unwilling to pass the hat.
It is coming to critical mass very quickly, and i full anticipate ,and preparing for your same fate. She will get her way through the bias legal system, continue to rescue cats full time, and life goes on. Simple!
I feel your pain and have withdrawn totally from her physically and emotionally. If she “goes there’ I listen empathetically, while being totally unhelpful. I’ve read all the woman self help books on what to do before you file for divorce. Oprah has now turned into a good source into the window of what the world is regarding legal and social landmines of how men are played like base fiddles. The articles and radio shows from “O” magazine explain how hilarious that process can be for woman under the odd idea that this is how woman can “empower” themselves and unapologetically shed the abuse of men who have the Gaul to question what they are getting out of the relationship. Men getting angry about being treated as an ATM and an emotional piece of future… who would have thought?
I once asked my wife that is she woke up tomorrow in her “perfect world” what that would look like? She had zero answer, however i suspect nothing much would change except having to deal with me on any level and having unlimited leverage.
Your post is heartbreaking, and I can see the future.
Of the four people in our home, two people do not work, and two get up EVERY day and do what we are supposed to do. Me and our youngest son. Again, I made it clear (in the most constructive and calm way I could) I will do whatever it takes to protect him and me.
There are two others who have the untapped capacity to make all their dreams come true, but have chosen impose their “wants” onto the other two.
I get it. The writing is on the wall. When it comes to the 11th hour (that is the pathology in our family. My wife refuses to engage until the last second and then threatens in the most passive aggressive way possible) to get her way. Whether it be, blame, shame or guilt. PLUS, I have her family pouring on at the same time, but unwilling to pass the hat.
It is coming to critical mass very quickly, and i full anticipate ,and preparing for your same fate. She will get her way through the bias legal system, continue to rescue cats full time, and life goes on. Simple!
I feel your pain and have withdrawn totally from her physically and emotionally. If she “goes there’ I listen empathetically, while being totally unhelpful. I’ve read all the woman self help books on what to do before you file for divorce. Oprah has now turned into a good source into the window of what the world is regarding legal and social landmines of how men are played like base fiddles. The articles and radio shows from “O” magazine explain how hilarious that process can be for woman under the odd idea that this is how woman can “empower” themselves and unapologetically shed the abuse of men who have the Gaul to question what they are getting out of the relationship. Men getting angry about being treated as an ATM and an emotional piece of future… who would have thought?
I once asked my wife that is she woke up tomorrow in her “perfect world” what that would look like? She had zero answer, however i suspect nothing much would change except having to deal with me on any level and having unlimited leverage.
Your post is heartbreaking, and I can see the future.
Friday, May 11, 2012
The question is dead on becasue I feel my anxiety reading it, or trying to answer it. Has the damage been done? Without a doubt.
Do I beleive in my heart of hearts she is just hanging on to hang on until she is ready to leave? Yes.
Pardon me, but we never have relations anymore. She rearly initiated in the first place, but it’s now me who is just not into it. It would be more like a release, and since I am not shallow, the disappointment is just not worth it. I’m actually in a better place most of the time ignoring her and simply not expecting anything so as not to be disappointed. I refuse to engage which is both very hard, but with practice also very liberating. Cerntainly no way to live.
I have many opportunities to stray. I have been presented these opportunities, but NEVER act on them although not having really been touched by a woman is such a long time is killing me since I am a passonate person. She is just not an adult and I really don’t know what she even expects.
Does it matter/
Do I beleive in my heart of hearts she is just hanging on to hang on until she is ready to leave? Yes.
Pardon me, but we never have relations anymore. She rearly initiated in the first place, but it’s now me who is just not into it. It would be more like a release, and since I am not shallow, the disappointment is just not worth it. I’m actually in a better place most of the time ignoring her and simply not expecting anything so as not to be disappointed. I refuse to engage which is both very hard, but with practice also very liberating. Cerntainly no way to live.
I have many opportunities to stray. I have been presented these opportunities, but NEVER act on them although not having really been touched by a woman is such a long time is killing me since I am a passonate person. She is just not an adult and I really don’t know what she even expects.
Does it matter/
Hi esqjeff44
You sound at peace with your decision. Our professions are stressful and require drive, focus and a very thick skin. I cannot control my wife and i can’t change her. I don’t want to, besides, who has time?
I’ve said this in several posts. If the roles were reversed we would have been tossed out long ago as loafers and moochers (or worse). In my wife's case, she does animal rescue, so if we switched our rolls i would be wearing a white jumpsuit and making pot holders at the Ha Ha Hotel years ago.
Was there a WTF moment, or did it all just fall into place one after the other? I ask because I am standing far back now and just watching and listening to her.
She is a good Mom and does all that heavy lifting, so it isn’t all bad. However, she blames me for everything that is not right in our family.
I’ve said this in several posts. If the roles were reversed we would have been tossed out long ago as loafers and moochers (or worse). In my wife's case, she does animal rescue, so if we switched our rolls i would be wearing a white jumpsuit and making pot holders at the Ha Ha Hotel years ago.
Was there a WTF moment, or did it all just fall into place one after the other? I ask because I am standing far back now and just watching and listening to her.
She is a good Mom and does all that heavy lifting, so it isn’t all bad. However, she blames me for everything that is not right in our family.
You sound very very tired. I hope you can respond and tell me more.
Regards
Ed Note: Nah, role reversal is the pipe dream of feminists everywhere.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Welcome to my world! Been on the job for 28 years without one break in between while my wife finished up college (full-time. Never took a moment to work or contribute to the household expenses. EVER) That tradition stayed in effect for 21 years. We have a family account (the money I make goes in both our names) and then she has her account.
Many years ago she was demanding our one son go to a very expensive private school. So expensive it was almost a joke to consider. ; $12,000/ year on my salary of $35,000.
I said no, and she played a Mexican standoff until she got fed up and forged my name on the documents, enrolled him and that was that. Until I wrote the school and asked them for a copy of the tuition agreement. BINGO…..Stabbed in the back! BTW: She did this ALL WITHOUT HAVING A JOB HERSELF. Double back stabbed!
She treated it like I had wronged her. Imagine me having the gaul to write the school and not trust her. THEN she started in how she had to do it because I was “not emotionally present” toward the family. It was simple……She was trying to do the right thing and I was getting in her way. Her Dad died when she was 4, so lets cut to the chase. Daddy issues + her Mom had an abusive Dad, and her Mother had an abusive husband…..Ahhhhh the family tradition of not relying on men was taken to a higher level. Her Mom and Grandmother were control freaks…..My wife is simply entitled, but says she does not “need a man.”
She is obviuosly conflating emotional independence with financial dependency. Problem is she’s either hoping I will stroke out of have a heart attack, or leave her.
She rescues animals while the boys are in school all day which actually costs me money. She says: (GET THIS) “It’s a hobby and you should get a hobby yourself.” Hello, hobbys are things you do when you aren’t working. Like….in your spare time!
Hobbys cost money. Having interests in things don’t. So she drives hundreds of miles in the SUV I gave her, charges me for the gas and maint. and then treats me as if I’m a wife beater.
Nuff said. I feel your pain
Many years ago she was demanding our one son go to a very expensive private school. So expensive it was almost a joke to consider. ; $12,000/ year on my salary of $35,000.
I said no, and she played a Mexican standoff until she got fed up and forged my name on the documents, enrolled him and that was that. Until I wrote the school and asked them for a copy of the tuition agreement. BINGO…..Stabbed in the back! BTW: She did this ALL WITHOUT HAVING A JOB HERSELF. Double back stabbed!
She treated it like I had wronged her. Imagine me having the gaul to write the school and not trust her. THEN she started in how she had to do it because I was “not emotionally present” toward the family. It was simple……She was trying to do the right thing and I was getting in her way. Her Dad died when she was 4, so lets cut to the chase. Daddy issues + her Mom had an abusive Dad, and her Mother had an abusive husband…..Ahhhhh the family tradition of not relying on men was taken to a higher level. Her Mom and Grandmother were control freaks…..My wife is simply entitled, but says she does not “need a man.”
She is obviuosly conflating emotional independence with financial dependency. Problem is she’s either hoping I will stroke out of have a heart attack, or leave her.
She rescues animals while the boys are in school all day which actually costs me money. She says: (GET THIS) “It’s a hobby and you should get a hobby yourself.” Hello, hobbys are things you do when you aren’t working. Like….in your spare time!
Hobbys cost money. Having interests in things don’t. So she drives hundreds of miles in the SUV I gave her, charges me for the gas and maint. and then treats me as if I’m a wife beater.
Nuff said. I feel your pain
Monday, April 2, 2012
Thanks
I joined a gym two years ago as the nonsense level went up. I went 5-6 times a week. My in laws told me i was “trying to escape.” I know you get it. Tom takes care of himself, bad. My wife saving cats, good. The question is not if I am trying to escape (oh, I am) , but why. AND, my wife sees a therapist to deal with new “coping skills.” (I pay for that therapy as well).
I went to talk with somebody myself. After about 5 visits in he said that I was very angry, but told me “who wouldn’t be?” He is a marriage counselor, but went on to tell me to get legal advice as an “escape hatch.” My freinds call me Saint Thomas. Pretty funny.
My youngest son? He’s my life. He talks to me. “How you feeling Dad?” “How was your day?” “You look tired. You ok?” “Guess what happened to me today?” We share a special secret sense of humor. He is my reality that i can have a really good relationship with somebody under our roof. We just roll….no agendas. No secrets. No sense of entitlement. Polite, respectful…..smart. We do what we have to do every day while the other two enjoy their world view from their own asses.
You mentioned something about insurance. That scares me. Why? It’s gone through my mind as well. Not that I would do anything, but I wish i could just become invisible at times. “Any place but here.” I hate my job for the last 30 years. (a long story) and I can’t make a change because we can’t afford that transition. Liberating at times because I just remind myself i have no choices. Makes life easy at times.
I’m 52 and with the $ I shucked out for “Jr” my retirement has been set back 5 years. $150 K in the span of 9 months……mind numbing. Then my wife wants him to apply to colleges and for me to encourage him to do so. I refuse. He’s on his own. I’m not a mean guy, but with his issues college is the last place on earth he should be. I didn’t create his problems, I can’t contol it, and i can’t cure it.
Again, I keep reminding my wife that I did not promise, buy or agree to take care of other people’s rose gardens. I can help, but only if my values dictate. Only if I choose. Hence, her phony baloney one (1) resume being mailed this weekend. (Funny….she even asked me for a stamp….).
I was afraid for awhile (not of leaving) but that I was addicted to misery. That i like it. I was terrified she would leave me or serve papers. At this point, she can do what she pleases in that regard. Not much different than what she’s always done. An emotionally damaged child/woman with significant daddy issues. Lucky me. I’m 7 years older than her…..Should have see that one coming. Oh well.
I joined a gym two years ago as the nonsense level went up. I went 5-6 times a week. My in laws told me i was “trying to escape.” I know you get it. Tom takes care of himself, bad. My wife saving cats, good. The question is not if I am trying to escape (oh, I am) , but why. AND, my wife sees a therapist to deal with new “coping skills.” (I pay for that therapy as well).
I went to talk with somebody myself. After about 5 visits in he said that I was very angry, but told me “who wouldn’t be?” He is a marriage counselor, but went on to tell me to get legal advice as an “escape hatch.” My freinds call me Saint Thomas. Pretty funny.
My youngest son? He’s my life. He talks to me. “How you feeling Dad?” “How was your day?” “You look tired. You ok?” “Guess what happened to me today?” We share a special secret sense of humor. He is my reality that i can have a really good relationship with somebody under our roof. We just roll….no agendas. No secrets. No sense of entitlement. Polite, respectful…..smart. We do what we have to do every day while the other two enjoy their world view from their own asses.
You mentioned something about insurance. That scares me. Why? It’s gone through my mind as well. Not that I would do anything, but I wish i could just become invisible at times. “Any place but here.” I hate my job for the last 30 years. (a long story) and I can’t make a change because we can’t afford that transition. Liberating at times because I just remind myself i have no choices. Makes life easy at times.
I’m 52 and with the $ I shucked out for “Jr” my retirement has been set back 5 years. $150 K in the span of 9 months……mind numbing. Then my wife wants him to apply to colleges and for me to encourage him to do so. I refuse. He’s on his own. I’m not a mean guy, but with his issues college is the last place on earth he should be. I didn’t create his problems, I can’t contol it, and i can’t cure it.
Again, I keep reminding my wife that I did not promise, buy or agree to take care of other people’s rose gardens. I can help, but only if my values dictate. Only if I choose. Hence, her phony baloney one (1) resume being mailed this weekend. (Funny….she even asked me for a stamp….).
I was afraid for awhile (not of leaving) but that I was addicted to misery. That i like it. I was terrified she would leave me or serve papers. At this point, she can do what she pleases in that regard. Not much different than what she’s always done. An emotionally damaged child/woman with significant daddy issues. Lucky me. I’m 7 years older than her…..Should have see that one coming. Oh well.
Yes….It’s all a $hit sandwich for men to eat. I don’t know why I thought she was working….Your situation sounds terrible. It’s a “follow me to the bottom” senario. I would not count on any bounce from her when you eventually hit bottom. My wife thinks the “money will always come.” She also told me “that’s what family is for.” Who’s family?
I paid for my wedding because her parents are financial noodleheads. My parents and family are savers, professionals. I will NEVER beg my family for a dime, but being an artist on brinksmanship, she is trained herself to become silent, stand still, and getting what she wants anyway. Meaning, she knows I will do anything to keep our family afloat and then uses my resentment as a bat to beat me over the head. A bat I PAY FOR!
My family minds their own business, but see things clearly now. They all have said on one level or another that she is out of touch. I think it worth repeating that if the roles were reversed I would have been insititutionlized (sp) years ago. I can’t drink because of my seizure disorder, so my Doc. gave me Ativan as a seizure emergency source, but it also helps when I pull into my driveway or sleep once in awhile. Gotta do what I gotta do. My seizure triggers are stress and lack of sleep. This time last year I was down to 125 pounds (I’m 5 ft 6) and did’nt notice how bad i looked until somebody asked me if I had cancer.
She could give a rusty crap. I drive 1 hour each way to work and have pulled over too many times to recall. I made a transition in Meds. last year and was unable to drive for a month. Period.
She stepped up and voluntered to drive. Within a week she was telling me tuesdays and Thursdays were “tough” for her, so a very good freind helped me out for a month.
Regreting marriage? OH YEAH! If I could walk out my door and have no ties with her, I’d been gone long ago. So, I hang in there. When the kids are gone it is abundently clear she will take off and live on direct deposit in her account to live a well deserved very long and healthy life.
Be well
I paid for my wedding because her parents are financial noodleheads. My parents and family are savers, professionals. I will NEVER beg my family for a dime, but being an artist on brinksmanship, she is trained herself to become silent, stand still, and getting what she wants anyway. Meaning, she knows I will do anything to keep our family afloat and then uses my resentment as a bat to beat me over the head. A bat I PAY FOR!
My family minds their own business, but see things clearly now. They all have said on one level or another that she is out of touch. I think it worth repeating that if the roles were reversed I would have been insititutionlized (sp) years ago. I can’t drink because of my seizure disorder, so my Doc. gave me Ativan as a seizure emergency source, but it also helps when I pull into my driveway or sleep once in awhile. Gotta do what I gotta do. My seizure triggers are stress and lack of sleep. This time last year I was down to 125 pounds (I’m 5 ft 6) and did’nt notice how bad i looked until somebody asked me if I had cancer.
She could give a rusty crap. I drive 1 hour each way to work and have pulled over too many times to recall. I made a transition in Meds. last year and was unable to drive for a month. Period.
She stepped up and voluntered to drive. Within a week she was telling me tuesdays and Thursdays were “tough” for her, so a very good freind helped me out for a month.
Regreting marriage? OH YEAH! If I could walk out my door and have no ties with her, I’d been gone long ago. So, I hang in there. When the kids are gone it is abundently clear she will take off and live on direct deposit in her account to live a well deserved very long and healthy life.
Be well
Hi There.
Wow. You have guts for stepping back and financially standing still. Staying close to your children is what it’s all about. I did not have that opportunity with the type of work I do. It’s stressful and requires a lot of focus, and ass kissing to stay ahead of the curve. No half ass effort works and that is just the way it is.
Man, your wife sounds like a cure for happiness. A few years ago I made a mistake and listened to one of those GD woman talk in shows. A woman was working full time and her husband had lost his job just as the economy tanked. She tearfully admitted that although he was a very good man she had lost all respect for him because he was not working. Gotta tell ya, I cried! If she were out of work society accepts it and gives her credit for taking care of the house. Like it was her choice all along. Long end short, men are castrated if visited upon by misfortune. I heard the nickle drop…..The deck is stacked.
A freind of my wife admitted to her that she was frustrated that her husband (a very free spirited science teacher) was not focused enough on money. She worked part time to fill in the gaps. So, there you have it! If we worry about money and focus on doing the right things, we are judged as being “absent.” If we lay back and take one day at a time “staying in the present” we are loafers.
A man taking “nature walks?” Using retirement money to make ends meet? I feel your pain.
I could stand in the corner on my head with both hands in my pockets and my wife could care less.
Our son is in a rehab type boarding school and my youngest in private school. $9 K/ month and she saves cats all day long…..The oldest in boarding school turns 18 Thursday. I made it clear (zero emotion) that he is on his own finacially and if she wants all these good things for him (a private college no less) both of them need jobs to make those dreams come true. I’m done. She whipped out her dusty resume this weekend and sent out one (1) package. Too late…..Her MO is sucking me into these dreams with promises to contribute…..Not this time. My son has to pay his first semester of Community College and if he does well, I MIGHT consider helping him for the next if I (in my opinion only) feel he deserves it. No more handouts! Time for the adults to take back control.
They are all (her family and her) are at his boarding school this week for spring break, which is more my spring break. I stayed behind.
In my case my wife will not work and every nickle will go to our lifestyle while she takes care of cats. My only choice it to leave, but my youngest son is just terrific.
Again, I give you credit for putting somewhat of an end to your abuse, but at least your wife works. I wish you the best, and just let your feelings fly.
Warm Regards
Wow. You have guts for stepping back and financially standing still. Staying close to your children is what it’s all about. I did not have that opportunity with the type of work I do. It’s stressful and requires a lot of focus, and ass kissing to stay ahead of the curve. No half ass effort works and that is just the way it is.
Man, your wife sounds like a cure for happiness. A few years ago I made a mistake and listened to one of those GD woman talk in shows. A woman was working full time and her husband had lost his job just as the economy tanked. She tearfully admitted that although he was a very good man she had lost all respect for him because he was not working. Gotta tell ya, I cried! If she were out of work society accepts it and gives her credit for taking care of the house. Like it was her choice all along. Long end short, men are castrated if visited upon by misfortune. I heard the nickle drop…..The deck is stacked.
A freind of my wife admitted to her that she was frustrated that her husband (a very free spirited science teacher) was not focused enough on money. She worked part time to fill in the gaps. So, there you have it! If we worry about money and focus on doing the right things, we are judged as being “absent.” If we lay back and take one day at a time “staying in the present” we are loafers.
A man taking “nature walks?” Using retirement money to make ends meet? I feel your pain.
I could stand in the corner on my head with both hands in my pockets and my wife could care less.
Our son is in a rehab type boarding school and my youngest in private school. $9 K/ month and she saves cats all day long…..The oldest in boarding school turns 18 Thursday. I made it clear (zero emotion) that he is on his own finacially and if she wants all these good things for him (a private college no less) both of them need jobs to make those dreams come true. I’m done. She whipped out her dusty resume this weekend and sent out one (1) package. Too late…..Her MO is sucking me into these dreams with promises to contribute…..Not this time. My son has to pay his first semester of Community College and if he does well, I MIGHT consider helping him for the next if I (in my opinion only) feel he deserves it. No more handouts! Time for the adults to take back control.
They are all (her family and her) are at his boarding school this week for spring break, which is more my spring break. I stayed behind.
In my case my wife will not work and every nickle will go to our lifestyle while she takes care of cats. My only choice it to leave, but my youngest son is just terrific.
Again, I give you credit for putting somewhat of an end to your abuse, but at least your wife works. I wish you the best, and just let your feelings fly.
Warm Regards
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Just stay close to your children. the last blow will be telling you that you work too much and you are not “present” for your children. Those mind games nearly did me in. If we had a disagreement, she clings to the children like euber Mom. Freezes you out, silent treatment, no sex, moody, until you cave.
You realize home schoolers have clubs and trips with other parents? My wife and our son went skiing a few days a week in the winter…….not a bad deal.
The opportunity cost of her not using her degree is HUGE! You could afford a very good private school that will help your children grow emotionally in a more structured setting.
Don’t let her weaponize those kids. Ultimate manipulation when you can’t be in two places at once. Especially when you get burned out at your job for 30 years and have no second income to loosen the tension.
We have zero debt and she acts (actually said) I should not worry too much about money because “it always comes.” A frigging child! It’s insulting and dismissive that her opinion of what I do is some sort of “magic.”
Home school???????? Brother….You are in for the long haul my friend. The concept is good in many respects if you have the means, but it will be tough on you for a very long time. Like I said, stay close to those children. If you loose that relationship you will end up like me….odd man out all the time. The guilt trips are mind numbing, hurtful beyond description, and the ultimate control over you. You think you feel resentful now? Just wait for discussions about colleges, cars, insurance, tap dance lessons. All of it.
I wrote and juggled the finances and was eventually told I was too controlling. Then when I gave her the checkbook, my 820 FICO score took a hit here and there because she didn’t have time to learn online banking and didn’t have a stamp. Or it got lost in her sun visor in the car…….there is always plenty of cash in HER checking account though. That’s right. She has her own checking which is HER money……On and on. Great Mom….No doubt about it. Terrible communicator, lousy friend and partner. As long as I go to work and shut the F up, all is well.
If I disagree I am verbally abusive, if I don’t engage and just go along I’m withdrawn and not present. I married an emotionally Daddy issues car wreck!
Good luck.
You realize home schoolers have clubs and trips with other parents? My wife and our son went skiing a few days a week in the winter…….not a bad deal.
The opportunity cost of her not using her degree is HUGE! You could afford a very good private school that will help your children grow emotionally in a more structured setting.
Don’t let her weaponize those kids. Ultimate manipulation when you can’t be in two places at once. Especially when you get burned out at your job for 30 years and have no second income to loosen the tension.
We have zero debt and she acts (actually said) I should not worry too much about money because “it always comes.” A frigging child! It’s insulting and dismissive that her opinion of what I do is some sort of “magic.”
Home school???????? Brother….You are in for the long haul my friend. The concept is good in many respects if you have the means, but it will be tough on you for a very long time. Like I said, stay close to those children. If you loose that relationship you will end up like me….odd man out all the time. The guilt trips are mind numbing, hurtful beyond description, and the ultimate control over you. You think you feel resentful now? Just wait for discussions about colleges, cars, insurance, tap dance lessons. All of it.
I wrote and juggled the finances and was eventually told I was too controlling. Then when I gave her the checkbook, my 820 FICO score took a hit here and there because she didn’t have time to learn online banking and didn’t have a stamp. Or it got lost in her sun visor in the car…….there is always plenty of cash in HER checking account though. That’s right. She has her own checking which is HER money……On and on. Great Mom….No doubt about it. Terrible communicator, lousy friend and partner. As long as I go to work and shut the F up, all is well.
If I disagree I am verbally abusive, if I don’t engage and just go along I’m withdrawn and not present. I married an emotionally Daddy issues car wreck!
Good luck.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Sounds like there are no children. Good for you is right. My wife (I've posted before) is into animal rescue BIG TIME. Both boys are in private school and she does her frugal game as cover while she does what she “wants.”
College coming? Kick that can down the road! ……..Her family tell me “You know her. Saving the world.” Last time I looked, we are all living on earth. If we were to reverse rolls, or if i went for broke, I would be institutionalized, medicated, and given extensive ECT……What would cause a college educated man to do that???? 🙂
Marriage counseling. Individual counseling….on and on. Her therapist has loaded her up with all sorts of “coping skills” to blunt my frustration and keep her on her entitlement path she calls her “truth.” Any suggestions?
College coming? Kick that can down the road! ……..Her family tell me “You know her. Saving the world.” Last time I looked, we are all living on earth. If we were to reverse rolls, or if i went for broke, I would be institutionalized, medicated, and given extensive ECT……What would cause a college educated man to do that???? 🙂
Marriage counseling. Individual counseling….on and on. Her therapist has loaded her up with all sorts of “coping skills” to blunt my frustration and keep her on her entitlement path she calls her “truth.” Any suggestions?
Hey. I always say that this type of charmed life is without a doubt a very envious position to be in. Sounds like you appreciate, to some degree, what it takes to “want” to go to work. “Want” meaning you want to eat, keep the lights on. Pay car insurance. gas, etc…..
You were fortunate to step in it. Good for you all. I imagine your husband appreciates the position you are all in which allows you the choices you seem to be enjoying.
I hope your good fortune enriches everyone’s life.
Not to be snarky, but I hope this will give you the opportunity to find something meaningful to do with your education, and MOST important, something you really like to do.
I hope your husband does not find this site to vent like the rest of us who just want some level of equality in our relationships. In many of the posts (you have read) you might want to consider how you felt going to a job you hated and having no practical or economic way to choose a different path.
In my life we currently do not need money. One of my issues is I did not promise, agree to buy or take care of everyone’s rose garden. If your husband is ok with it there is no problem, my wish for you is you don’t get bored and end up resenting him or accusing him for being controlling. I know very wealthy people who tell me the hardest work is getting up in the morning and finding meaning.
Wish you the best.
You were fortunate to step in it. Good for you all. I imagine your husband appreciates the position you are all in which allows you the choices you seem to be enjoying.
I hope your good fortune enriches everyone’s life.
Not to be snarky, but I hope this will give you the opportunity to find something meaningful to do with your education, and MOST important, something you really like to do.
I hope your husband does not find this site to vent like the rest of us who just want some level of equality in our relationships. In many of the posts (you have read) you might want to consider how you felt going to a job you hated and having no practical or economic way to choose a different path.
In my life we currently do not need money. One of my issues is I did not promise, agree to buy or take care of everyone’s rose garden. If your husband is ok with it there is no problem, my wish for you is you don’t get bored and end up resenting him or accusing him for being controlling. I know very wealthy people who tell me the hardest work is getting up in the morning and finding meaning.
Wish you the best.
Monday, March 19, 2012
I have told her in just such terms the same thing. It’s disgraceful and abusive not only to me, but our family. Especially in a time of crisis.
She has made it known (I’ve seen this before) she is hauling out her resume box of information which has literally been collecting dust in our attic. She is applying for state jobs that have nothing whatsoever to do with her education. From what I gather these are postings for internal jobs which by State regulation they must post. NOBODY is hiring new employees in the private sector. As far as public jobs and teachers (she is a trained science teacher) they are laying them off left and right for budget reasons.
My position is to just stand still and take care of the only two people in our home who get up every day and do what we are supposed to do. I am so angry and have been for years, but raging about it only feeds into her apathy.
She goes to a therapist who I suspect has diagnosed me as a whack job. An angry abusive man a la Oprah re runs. The deck is stacked, so standing still shines the light back on her behavior. She is such a nice pleasing person from the outside (she’s a great Mom, but simply structured our boys activities to the point of OCD) Uber Mom.
I get what she is about, and even if the world does not see it, that’s ok.
She has issues that were there WAY before me. It’s heart breaking to me that she shows all this attention and love outward, but simply treats me like shit.
I feel most comfortable doing other things, and (God help me) I don’t do things for her that I take joy in. I just won’t let her manipulate me through her abusive passive aggressive behavior.
I’m so sad.
She has made it known (I’ve seen this before) she is hauling out her resume box of information which has literally been collecting dust in our attic. She is applying for state jobs that have nothing whatsoever to do with her education. From what I gather these are postings for internal jobs which by State regulation they must post. NOBODY is hiring new employees in the private sector. As far as public jobs and teachers (she is a trained science teacher) they are laying them off left and right for budget reasons.
My position is to just stand still and take care of the only two people in our home who get up every day and do what we are supposed to do. I am so angry and have been for years, but raging about it only feeds into her apathy.
She goes to a therapist who I suspect has diagnosed me as a whack job. An angry abusive man a la Oprah re runs. The deck is stacked, so standing still shines the light back on her behavior. She is such a nice pleasing person from the outside (she’s a great Mom, but simply structured our boys activities to the point of OCD) Uber Mom.
I get what she is about, and even if the world does not see it, that’s ok.
She has issues that were there WAY before me. It’s heart breaking to me that she shows all this attention and love outward, but simply treats me like shit.
I feel most comfortable doing other things, and (God help me) I don’t do things for her that I take joy in. I just won’t let her manipulate me through her abusive passive aggressive behavior.
I’m so sad.
A counselor I am seeing put it this way. She had these problems WAY before she met you. My biggest problem DAY ONE was her lack of drive to work. Lack of drive to even look for a job.
Then to have all my hard work literally thrown back in my face…….How am I coping lately? I just refuse to engage. I tell her “I” don’t have cash lying around to do this, or that. Then I drop it. Hard for me to do, but in many ways empowering because I think it obvious what the result would be if she crossed that line.
My friends call me St. Thomas. I have recently reached out to many of my old friends and I don’t think she’s so keen on that. Too f’ing bad!
My family; unlike hers, support but don’t butt in. Everyone suggests I leave, I’m thinking of maybe renting a house at the shore for a few weeks if the situation with my son blows apart again.
It’s no way to live, but I am building a support system back around me so I feel comfortable. People I trust. I made her family mine, and they have all stabbed me in the back. Blood is thicker, but I really have zero use for any of them. In fact, none of them are too high on work. They come from the school of “the money always comes” groups. They have actually told me this. I worry too much about money. What a laugh! Somebody has to……..
Imagine. A 46 year old woman with a college degree with one boy away from home and the other a Jr. in HS rescuing animals all weeks and double time on weekends……I would be committed……
Life is not fair, but I’m through letting her family or her rent space in my head. I do what I have to do to get what we need. If she has an easier way to do that, she could have said so years ago.
You don’t hate your wife. You resent her. Much more corrosive over time. It hurts. Its demoralizing. It makes your life a prison……….
I get it. Hang in there. Opportunities will present themselves to have peace of mind and emotional safety.
Then to have all my hard work literally thrown back in my face…….How am I coping lately? I just refuse to engage. I tell her “I” don’t have cash lying around to do this, or that. Then I drop it. Hard for me to do, but in many ways empowering because I think it obvious what the result would be if she crossed that line.
My friends call me St. Thomas. I have recently reached out to many of my old friends and I don’t think she’s so keen on that. Too f’ing bad!
My family; unlike hers, support but don’t butt in. Everyone suggests I leave, I’m thinking of maybe renting a house at the shore for a few weeks if the situation with my son blows apart again.
It’s no way to live, but I am building a support system back around me so I feel comfortable. People I trust. I made her family mine, and they have all stabbed me in the back. Blood is thicker, but I really have zero use for any of them. In fact, none of them are too high on work. They come from the school of “the money always comes” groups. They have actually told me this. I worry too much about money. What a laugh! Somebody has to……..
Imagine. A 46 year old woman with a college degree with one boy away from home and the other a Jr. in HS rescuing animals all weeks and double time on weekends……I would be committed……
Life is not fair, but I’m through letting her family or her rent space in my head. I do what I have to do to get what we need. If she has an easier way to do that, she could have said so years ago.
You don’t hate your wife. You resent her. Much more corrosive over time. It hurts. Its demoralizing. It makes your life a prison……….
I get it. Hang in there. Opportunities will present themselves to have peace of mind and emotional safety.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Grateful
Don’t want to sound too self serving, but I read that you are examining your role within your family as financially responsible to your families well being and security by not delegating that task to your husband. Hopefully he shares in everything else concerning your children, house chores, etc….
I’ve come to the conclusion (many actually) that I never promised, bought,agreed to take care of, water or weed anyone’s rose garden. Family is serious and difficult and a team effort. It’s a breeding ground for resentment, anger, anxiety, depression and fear.
It’s nice hearing from you. It assures me that there are mature mates out there. Thank You!
Don’t want to sound too self serving, but I read that you are examining your role within your family as financially responsible to your families well being and security by not delegating that task to your husband. Hopefully he shares in everything else concerning your children, house chores, etc….
I’ve come to the conclusion (many actually) that I never promised, bought,agreed to take care of, water or weed anyone’s rose garden. Family is serious and difficult and a team effort. It’s a breeding ground for resentment, anger, anxiety, depression and fear.
It’s nice hearing from you. It assures me that there are mature mates out there. Thank You!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Relationship-Advice-How-to-Handle-a-Breakup/2
I can’t get enough of reading this abuse. So sad!
I can’t get enough of reading this abuse. So sad!
Frances
It would not be totally self serving of me to thank you for a voice from the real world. Sharing in a marriage or relationship was what I bought into. A busy and wildly succesful college student and a husband moving up slowly but steadly in the business world.
Much celebrating at graduation with high honors. Proud and ready to step ahead…….Crickets………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Fast forward a year………………….A child………………………………………………..fast forward two years another healthy child……………………Fast forward 15 years…………. two healthy young men 18 and 16 and a wife who rescues animals all the live long day. One income. A paid off house. No debt and a husband who is mentally toast and has health issues. A wife who cries about feeling lonely. In-laws who despise me for not doing more for MY BOYS.
I’m glad to have met you on this site. You give me hope I have not gone completely insane.
It would not be totally self serving of me to thank you for a voice from the real world. Sharing in a marriage or relationship was what I bought into. A busy and wildly succesful college student and a husband moving up slowly but steadly in the business world.
Much celebrating at graduation with high honors. Proud and ready to step ahead…….Crickets………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Fast forward a year………………….A child………………………………………………..fast forward two years another healthy child……………………Fast forward 15 years…………. two healthy young men 18 and 16 and a wife who rescues animals all the live long day. One income. A paid off house. No debt and a husband who is mentally toast and has health issues. A wife who cries about feeling lonely. In-laws who despise me for not doing more for MY BOYS.
I’m glad to have met you on this site. You give me hope I have not gone completely insane.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Just an update. In keeping with the spirit of maintaining healthy boundaries, I gave my wife a written list of 5 things that must happen by July 5th of this year. #1: A job working no less than 20 hours per week. #2: Since I turned over the bills and such to her two years ago, (after all the years of whining) she has turned it upside down. Paid two bills (my name) late. She must get these financial responsibilities in order. As an aside, she did me a favor and had the late fees removed then got PO at me for being upset in the first place. What a beast I am……All her hard work lying her ass off to some customer service rep. Hearing her in action was illuminating. She was proud…..I am now a believer she is an accomplished BS artist. #3:She will fund (100%) her “hobby” she calls it…..
#4: The salary she makes goes into THE FAMILY checking account (she has always maintained her own personal account) #5: She will remove my name off the cell phone, get her own account or cancel the service all together.
I could care less if she does them. My guess is she will make a half ass effort at a job hunt and forget all the others….this is her MO from day one. Like my boss, I will send her reminders every two weeks. (I gave her the list of 5 things in an email). Tough crap! I want no surprises.
They are boundaries, not demands. Set the boundary and walk away. If I hound her, that is manipulation. Won’t waste my breath.
July 5th? 90 days after my son turns 18 and I can simply refuse paying any more of his boarding school tuition. Get this. After going through detox. police at my house. Dealing drugs from my basement window like Jack in the Box, a gun, and blowing over $150 K to “save” him. He wants to apply to a few private colleges……..Guess he learned at the foot of the master moocher?
My arms are folded. My mouth shut and one word. NO.
#4: The salary she makes goes into THE FAMILY checking account (she has always maintained her own personal account) #5: She will remove my name off the cell phone, get her own account or cancel the service all together.
I could care less if she does them. My guess is she will make a half ass effort at a job hunt and forget all the others….this is her MO from day one. Like my boss, I will send her reminders every two weeks. (I gave her the list of 5 things in an email). Tough crap! I want no surprises.
They are boundaries, not demands. Set the boundary and walk away. If I hound her, that is manipulation. Won’t waste my breath.
July 5th? 90 days after my son turns 18 and I can simply refuse paying any more of his boarding school tuition. Get this. After going through detox. police at my house. Dealing drugs from my basement window like Jack in the Box, a gun, and blowing over $150 K to “save” him. He wants to apply to a few private colleges……..Guess he learned at the foot of the master moocher?
My arms are folded. My mouth shut and one word. NO.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Yep….but we put up with it. It’s like waiting 21 years is not enough…….I believe it will get better…….
Imagine though (here I go again) I stayed home for 21 years and for the last 4 did animal rescue. Now, before anyone thinks this is pulling poor cats out of a tree or kittens from the sewer, get a load of this.
My wife and her cabal of nut cases set traps behind grocery stores. Restaurants and in large fields known to have these feral critters.
They capture these wild frigging cats, have them fixed, and return them into the wild. If they find kittens, they adopt them….that’s not so bad.
The feral cat capture stuff is like pushing a turd up a rope with toothpicks. Keeps her busy though!
The opportunity cost to our family are beyond description. One son in trouble at a $150 K boarding school, the other in a private high school. Yet, she keeps on keeping on, and I have epilepsy……….In the meantime EVERYONE loves my wife. She is nice, helpful, cheerful, and looked up to you. I on the other hand am a verbally abusive monster…..
How dare I work for a living and not be there for my two boys…..People, a very close friend of mine put it this way because I take everything so personal, the attacks by her family and all. he said “If you didn’t feel as bad as you do I would worry about you.”
Imagine though (here I go again) I stayed home for 21 years and for the last 4 did animal rescue. Now, before anyone thinks this is pulling poor cats out of a tree or kittens from the sewer, get a load of this.
My wife and her cabal of nut cases set traps behind grocery stores. Restaurants and in large fields known to have these feral critters.
They capture these wild frigging cats, have them fixed, and return them into the wild. If they find kittens, they adopt them….that’s not so bad.
The feral cat capture stuff is like pushing a turd up a rope with toothpicks. Keeps her busy though!
The opportunity cost to our family are beyond description. One son in trouble at a $150 K boarding school, the other in a private high school. Yet, she keeps on keeping on, and I have epilepsy……….In the meantime EVERYONE loves my wife. She is nice, helpful, cheerful, and looked up to you. I on the other hand am a verbally abusive monster…..
How dare I work for a living and not be there for my two boys…..People, a very close friend of mine put it this way because I take everything so personal, the attacks by her family and all. he said “If you didn’t feel as bad as you do I would worry about you.”
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Get thy self to a good attorney.
Best to get a lawyer involved now. Talk to a few of the best in your area. That will prevent her from using them herself.
Get all documents out of the house, or copied. Deed, birth certificates, passports…..all of it. Tax returns, bank statements. Take copies of her documents as well. Never know what is lerking out there.
Also, buy a voice activated recorder in case she gets crazy. She will try to have a restraining order if you decide for financial reasons to stay. It’s in the woman’s divorce handbook. Lesson 101. Domestic violence is not looked at kindly in this matters and it is so easy for a woman to cry wolf.
I’ll be praying for you brother
Best to get a lawyer involved now. Talk to a few of the best in your area. That will prevent her from using them herself.
Get all documents out of the house, or copied. Deed, birth certificates, passports…..all of it. Tax returns, bank statements. Take copies of her documents as well. Never know what is lerking out there.
Also, buy a voice activated recorder in case she gets crazy. She will try to have a restraining order if you decide for financial reasons to stay. It’s in the woman’s divorce handbook. Lesson 101. Domestic violence is not looked at kindly in this matters and it is so easy for a woman to cry wolf.
I’ll be praying for you brother
Saturday, February 18, 2012
If there is irony, my wife traps feral cats and alters them as my contribution to the planet. She does it and I underwrite it all. A nuance wasted on her completely.
My wife is actually a master at trapping things, cutting their balls off. and then turning them loose. She needs no on the job training.
I feel like a pork-chop at a Jewish wedding.
My wife is actually a master at trapping things, cutting their balls off. and then turning them loose. She needs no on the job training.
I feel like a pork-chop at a Jewish wedding.
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Oh yeah…One minute you are emotionally absent to your children, next you are too bossy. Next you are not present….on and on and on….Jumping up and down on each foot depending on what voices she might be listening to at that moment.
Beleive me. I know if you could walk out of that door without any consquences I wouldn’t be responding to your post.
I get it.
Beleive me. I know if you could walk out of that door without any consquences I wouldn’t be responding to your post.
I get it.
I feel this every day. My in laws ignore me, talk behind my back, dismiss me and give me the all too familiar cold shoulder. i think my wife invented the cold shoulder.
I suffer from that treatment becasue I let the bastards rent that space in my head. I know it’s a waste of time, but I was very much a part of that family at one time so it does hurt. It hurts me to ignore them as well, but my pathology is attracted to woman and people who disrespect and withold. I’m still trying to get it “right’ and am attracted to those familiar emotional vampires.
She also has a woman therapist (divorced herself from a man who cheated on her) who has convinced her I am an “emotional blackmailer.” That term seems to be the most broad net definition that covers all ills of a one sided discussion involving a $150/ 45 min. co-pay.
Stonewalling, witholding sex, silent treatment and emotional disassociation do not really seem fit into that all too familiar type I’m drawn to.
I dare anyone not to loose it when any question or disagreement is ended with…….nothing. Silence. Passive aggressive abuse…..or, turning her glum silent treatment into an emotional gusher when the kids walk into the room, only to spin it off again on a dime when we find each other alone moments later. I’ve never seen anything like it outside of a cartoon.
My wife suggested i keep her isolated from her freinds and family…..Funny. She is a stay home Mom who never calls me during the day (unless she needs something or there is a problem) her own Mother gets on me for not knowing where her own daughter is when I answer my own telephone. The same woman who also accuses me of working too much. She does what she wants when she wants how she wants…. It’s that simple. We also have gone on EVERY single vacation with her family since before we were married.
Truthfully, I took her diagnosis of me to heart for awhile, until I started reading about things further and searching my feelings.
So don’t feel you are alone. if you want to figure out who’s wrong in your relationship amidst your in laws, just look in the mirror. It’s a no brainer. Blood is thicker, yadda yadda yadda…
My latest excuse for not going to those family fuctions are; I’ve got to color code my sock drawer. I have to backwash my Waterpik. The expiration date on the 1/4 full OJ is today.
Can’t pass up that can can sale….Don’t say no to every invite. Just get really busy. If you end up going to one or two, smile ALL THE TIME. make them think you know something they don’t.
Maybe they will stop asking.
I suffer from that treatment becasue I let the bastards rent that space in my head. I know it’s a waste of time, but I was very much a part of that family at one time so it does hurt. It hurts me to ignore them as well, but my pathology is attracted to woman and people who disrespect and withold. I’m still trying to get it “right’ and am attracted to those familiar emotional vampires.
She also has a woman therapist (divorced herself from a man who cheated on her) who has convinced her I am an “emotional blackmailer.” That term seems to be the most broad net definition that covers all ills of a one sided discussion involving a $150/ 45 min. co-pay.
Stonewalling, witholding sex, silent treatment and emotional disassociation do not really seem fit into that all too familiar type I’m drawn to.
I dare anyone not to loose it when any question or disagreement is ended with…….nothing. Silence. Passive aggressive abuse…..or, turning her glum silent treatment into an emotional gusher when the kids walk into the room, only to spin it off again on a dime when we find each other alone moments later. I’ve never seen anything like it outside of a cartoon.
My wife suggested i keep her isolated from her freinds and family…..Funny. She is a stay home Mom who never calls me during the day (unless she needs something or there is a problem) her own Mother gets on me for not knowing where her own daughter is when I answer my own telephone. The same woman who also accuses me of working too much. She does what she wants when she wants how she wants…. It’s that simple. We also have gone on EVERY single vacation with her family since before we were married.
Truthfully, I took her diagnosis of me to heart for awhile, until I started reading about things further and searching my feelings.
So don’t feel you are alone. if you want to figure out who’s wrong in your relationship amidst your in laws, just look in the mirror. It’s a no brainer. Blood is thicker, yadda yadda yadda…
My latest excuse for not going to those family fuctions are; I’ve got to color code my sock drawer. I have to backwash my Waterpik. The expiration date on the 1/4 full OJ is today.
Can’t pass up that can can sale….Don’t say no to every invite. Just get really busy. If you end up going to one or two, smile ALL THE TIME. make them think you know something they don’t.
Maybe they will stop asking.
Monday, February 13, 2012
So here’s the deal. Very early in our marriage I was physically assaulted in front of my wife’s family. Hair pull and some harsh words. It was over an extended period of time it took for me to return to a family party with a few chairs.
I was stunned, but buried it deep. I guess as a man I really thought that was a good reason to bury it. After all, I’m not a baby….
A few years later it happened alone while on vacation. It was violent and I did defend her attack in the dark. I cried so hard.
Call that a WTF moment.
After that I lost respect and verbally I defended myself and admit I am at times pretty nasty. Fast forward 20 years and two kids later.
My wife covertly set up boundries and exacts them in an attempt, not to protect herself, but manipulate my behavior. Sometimes her mood changes in seconds, sometimes days. No passion. No attention. Nothing. She never worked and our sons are 17 (almost 18) and the other will soon be 16. Yet, no work, but a new fulltime hobby. Animal rescue.
Our oldest is into drugs, dealing, all of it. Thrown out of school….does not get any worse. After arm twisting and finally our yongest son flipping out over all the fighting, I relent and we sent him away to a wilderness program and a theraputic boarding school ($150,000). The wife still saves animals and our yougest goes to private school. My income to expense ratio is 226% and, yet, no job or even a half ass attempt.
Now the son who feels entitled to more, hates the boarding school and wants to finish out and plans on going to college……Backdrop. I begged, pleaded, reasoned, yelled, threatened and then sat him down and explained that the cost of his “rehab” exceeded what I set aside for his college. Meaning he had a chice. Well, he chose.
Now, reading up on how kids manipulate and emotionally blackmail parents, she has decided that it is me who is abusive and emotional blackmailer. Her family is onboard and her therapist echos the same danger signals. I read the articles and agree with some of the ideas might be me, but the worst are certainly not. In fact, I see her in alot also.
I’m so confused, hurt, sad and dispodent, but realize couples can love each other and yet not get along to the point of not being able to be under the same roof. The most hurtful is her family “The Greek Chorus” freezing me out and treating me like Rhasputin. Saying I am the cause of everything bad in my marriage and our son’s addictions and our familie’s dysfuction.
Wow….! never knew I had so much power…..
Couples break up over toothpaste brands, but this is without a question the worst relationship ever. Financially it will ruin me. Hoever, I also have medical issues (seizures) that have been going off under the stress like Japan’s after shocks. Stress is my number 1 trigger. I am 5 foot 6 and weigh 125 poounds. I sleep with the help of medication, but am so goddamn lonely.
It’s 8 PM and I’m in bed alone. With my dog who seems to stay with me before during and after seizures. A very protective JRT. A comfort.
I want my marriage to work, but am a good old boy who when cornered blows shy high. I recently told my son he blew his college fund, and as expected he flipped out because he feels entitled. I want him to understand what HE has done to himself. He can redeem HIMSELF, but on my terms. If he’s worthy of the trust and motivated plus committed.
HELP!
I was stunned, but buried it deep. I guess as a man I really thought that was a good reason to bury it. After all, I’m not a baby….
A few years later it happened alone while on vacation. It was violent and I did defend her attack in the dark. I cried so hard.
Call that a WTF moment.
After that I lost respect and verbally I defended myself and admit I am at times pretty nasty. Fast forward 20 years and two kids later.
My wife covertly set up boundries and exacts them in an attempt, not to protect herself, but manipulate my behavior. Sometimes her mood changes in seconds, sometimes days. No passion. No attention. Nothing. She never worked and our sons are 17 (almost 18) and the other will soon be 16. Yet, no work, but a new fulltime hobby. Animal rescue.
Our oldest is into drugs, dealing, all of it. Thrown out of school….does not get any worse. After arm twisting and finally our yongest son flipping out over all the fighting, I relent and we sent him away to a wilderness program and a theraputic boarding school ($150,000). The wife still saves animals and our yougest goes to private school. My income to expense ratio is 226% and, yet, no job or even a half ass attempt.
Now the son who feels entitled to more, hates the boarding school and wants to finish out and plans on going to college……Backdrop. I begged, pleaded, reasoned, yelled, threatened and then sat him down and explained that the cost of his “rehab” exceeded what I set aside for his college. Meaning he had a chice. Well, he chose.
Now, reading up on how kids manipulate and emotionally blackmail parents, she has decided that it is me who is abusive and emotional blackmailer. Her family is onboard and her therapist echos the same danger signals. I read the articles and agree with some of the ideas might be me, but the worst are certainly not. In fact, I see her in alot also.
I’m so confused, hurt, sad and dispodent, but realize couples can love each other and yet not get along to the point of not being able to be under the same roof. The most hurtful is her family “The Greek Chorus” freezing me out and treating me like Rhasputin. Saying I am the cause of everything bad in my marriage and our son’s addictions and our familie’s dysfuction.
Wow….! never knew I had so much power…..
Couples break up over toothpaste brands, but this is without a question the worst relationship ever. Financially it will ruin me. Hoever, I also have medical issues (seizures) that have been going off under the stress like Japan’s after shocks. Stress is my number 1 trigger. I am 5 foot 6 and weigh 125 poounds. I sleep with the help of medication, but am so goddamn lonely.
It’s 8 PM and I’m in bed alone. With my dog who seems to stay with me before during and after seizures. A very protective JRT. A comfort.
I want my marriage to work, but am a good old boy who when cornered blows shy high. I recently told my son he blew his college fund, and as expected he flipped out because he feels entitled. I want him to understand what HE has done to himself. He can redeem HIMSELF, but on my terms. If he’s worthy of the trust and motivated plus committed.
HELP!
Thursday, February 9, 2012
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Ten-Signs-You-Should-Leave-Your-Man-Relationship-Advice/5
The part about the man being “liberated” kills me. Quits his job….etc etc…..It really hurts my spirit reading this stuff. Woman feel justified (almost happy) dumping men for far less than what I endure. “Throw his lazy ass out.”
Again, if i were to spend my days like my wife does rescuing animals, I would be institutionalized.
The part about the man being “liberated” kills me. Quits his job….etc etc…..It really hurts my spirit reading this stuff. Woman feel justified (almost happy) dumping men for far less than what I endure. “Throw his lazy ass out.”
Again, if i were to spend my days like my wife does rescuing animals, I would be institutionalized.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
If you want to figure out who is right and who is wrong, just look in the mirror. If it’s really a game, the deck is stacked, cards marked, and counted. Forget it!
I’ve thought this and have even said this out loud. We have two teenage boys. One is away at a very expensive boarding school, the other is in a private high school so she literally has 9-10 hours a day for herself to do what she wants, when she want. In her case she is totally into animal rescue. Even after hours. All day. Every day.
So, if we were to reverse rolls (HA) I told her i would be institutionalized. Seriously! Think about it. A grown man with a college education, saving the world for animals while, staying home and CHOOSING not to contribute to over $9,000/ month in tuition. (Twice my net pay)!
First of all, i would not do it. Second I swear her family (maybe mine) would would have me evaluated. I’m very serious! I flip out when all her cell phone bills come in and i see the fuel bill from driving clatters of cats all over hells creation PLUS her psycotherapy bills!!!!!!
NOW I’m told i am an (get ready) an emotional blackmailer! Verbally abusive! Etc Etc Etc….
Again, the therapist I see on occasion who has seen our whole family has seen and heard all of it tells me ;”Who wouldn’t be angry?” he’s asked me if I have ever considered divorce. Recommened I at least talk with an attorney…..It was his unsolicited opinion. I don’t think trained family and marriage counselors generally render such opinions….
Anyway T.A., get ready. It’s only going to get worse! Sorry
I’ve thought this and have even said this out loud. We have two teenage boys. One is away at a very expensive boarding school, the other is in a private high school so she literally has 9-10 hours a day for herself to do what she wants, when she want. In her case she is totally into animal rescue. Even after hours. All day. Every day.
So, if we were to reverse rolls (HA) I told her i would be institutionalized. Seriously! Think about it. A grown man with a college education, saving the world for animals while, staying home and CHOOSING not to contribute to over $9,000/ month in tuition. (Twice my net pay)!
First of all, i would not do it. Second I swear her family (maybe mine) would would have me evaluated. I’m very serious! I flip out when all her cell phone bills come in and i see the fuel bill from driving clatters of cats all over hells creation PLUS her psycotherapy bills!!!!!!
NOW I’m told i am an (get ready) an emotional blackmailer! Verbally abusive! Etc Etc Etc….
Again, the therapist I see on occasion who has seen our whole family has seen and heard all of it tells me ;”Who wouldn’t be angry?” he’s asked me if I have ever considered divorce. Recommened I at least talk with an attorney…..It was his unsolicited opinion. I don’t think trained family and marriage counselors generally render such opinions….
Anyway T.A., get ready. It’s only going to get worse! Sorry
Monday, January 30, 2012
I’m back again. God help me!
It’s all come to pass. My son is in a theraputic boarding school. ($150,000).
My youngest in private school, and my wife is home saving the world from feral cats!
$9 K in tuition and she has done nothing except threatne me with getting a job. I kid you not!
As predicted, the day after we dropped our son at boarding school, she turned into a witch. Flat out calling me abusive (verbally) and an “Emotional Blackmailer.”
I’m at my wits end. I’m getting the silent treatment while her therapist cheers her on from the sidelines. I go to work. She goes to therapy.
HELP!
It’s all come to pass. My son is in a theraputic boarding school. ($150,000).
My youngest in private school, and my wife is home saving the world from feral cats!
$9 K in tuition and she has done nothing except threatne me with getting a job. I kid you not!
As predicted, the day after we dropped our son at boarding school, she turned into a witch. Flat out calling me abusive (verbally) and an “Emotional Blackmailer.”
I’m at my wits end. I’m getting the silent treatment while her therapist cheers her on from the sidelines. I go to work. She goes to therapy.
HELP!
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Do the woman at the shelter you volunteer at work? What if any refuse to work or demonstrate a willingness to do so?
It seems to me that men who want (insist) their partners work are portrayed as “abusive.” Do you see a lot of mentally scared woman who are verbally abused because they refuse to work?
Worst yet. Work 50+ hours a week and cook and clean. I CLEAN TOILETS. I DO WASH. + I pay ALL THE BILLS while the $175/ week she made baby sitting a neighbors child (while both their parents worked) went into HER bank account.
The opportunity cost to me was overwhelming. i could not fund my 401K because I simply needed the cash to live on. The vast untapped resource has been without question…..just NUTS!
Am I angry? YES. Have i said things i regret? YES. However, I’ve done everything i was supposed to do FOR YEARS and have taken nothing but flack for it. From her, her family and friends. The therapist I am seeing says everything everyone has suggested….get a lawyer and protect yourself.
I’m still in love with the idea of being in love. She distances herself from me to become “her own person.” “To live her truth.” Truth? I know plenty of truthful people who are complete BAT SHIT! This is Oprah skull f’ing and magazine, bumper sticker logic…..