Thank you so much for listening. Empathy costs nobody anything, takes some time, but feels damn good receiving it.
As far as my wife? There are a few emotional curves. First, she truly expresses that she hates my guts. Second, her sense of entitlement go WAY beyond what she has become accustomed to for the past 21 years – this is her Christmas Day. The Powerball all rolled into one. (It’s her last bite of the apple and she’s going to bite deep). Through all the years of breaking my ass, SHE has now decided that because she is so unhappy she deserves a better relationship. (This one hurts….If your unhappy, then just go. Nobody has ever stood in her way before, why is this different?)
Can I impoverish myself? Sure, but not on purpose. I can’t just walk away from a job that pays health insurance for me and my children. I have seizures, so I need coverage. Period!
I cannot rely on a woman who works PT at an animal shelter to do anything but pay for gas, and I forgot, after years of requesting, she has recently taken over the cell phone service….I guess the risk of tracking her calls to her “interest” was too real. What a phony she turned out to be. Won’t seem to do anything unless it suits her needs.
So, should I care? Not at all. Let her take what flesh is left on the bone and have the courts enforce me keeping the status quo. Meaning I cannot alter her standard of living.
Very very dark thoughts are crowding in sometimes. It’s pointless to even think of drawing my next breath unless it produces income or affords her a tax break of some type.
It’s not that simple, but yes, in a perfect world I would be happier and healthier.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Hi all
Been awhile since i posted. My wife has filed for divorce three weeks ago after we had a heart to heart concerning the basis of our relationship. The word love did not come up at all, and when the word empathy was used, she flat out said she had none for me.
About three weeks ago, I had eight massive cluster seizures at work and was rushed to the ER at 1 in the afternoon. I had two more seizures in the hospital and for anyone who has had the pleasure of having a grand mal, it is very painful and disorienting.
I sat in the ER from 1pm until 11:30pm when my wife drove up and essentially gave me a ride home. Blood all over my ripped white dress shirt, caked blood on my face and hair and various cuts and scratches all over. I was a mess.
I guess she meant what she said about empathy………………A few days later and a few sexual encounters, she stiffens her spine and pursues the divorce talk in earnest. “I’m done!”
For all you following this, she then tells me “For once I am standing on my own two feet.” Okay, for those who have simply not switched off your PC’s, she was obviously referring to her emotional slavery she essentially volunteered for. It all came out. All the green slime. I am manipulative, abusive, so on and so forth……She then takes up sleeping in my sons room and closing the door at night. ??????
She wants to mediate the situation at first until my attorney calls me to inform me she has retained legal representation from one of the most expensive law firms in the county. This is how it works guys. The opposing attorneys first letter requests the the husband pay his wife’s retainer. Gulp! If the husband does not, the opposing side goes to court to have temporary support granted including legal fees AND the cost of the hearing. If such support is granted, you can be shit sure this will be the basis for future alimony. Its a wedge issue.
I have been completing a CIS (Case Information Statement) which essentially discloses all the family assets and liabilities and is the basis for making a settlement in uncontested cases. If the parties don’t agree, the wife will file for divorce claiming verbal and emotional abuse (this is my case). For people who are new, my wife has on several occasions, punched, kicked and pulled my hair in fits of rage. So now when I attempt to even discuss division of furniture, etc. she races away warning me that if I do not stop harrassing her, she will get me in BIG TROUBLE. Meaning a phony restraining order.
We will have a conference in possibly two weeks (I insisted on a face to face meeting and not a one off telephone conversations).
To ALL men out there who are not happy with the way things are and are married < 10 years. File and get out. In my state, after 10 years, the award is alimony "for life."
If you < then 10 year guys think it's going to get way better, wake the hell up and move on.
Stay tuned. I am relieved on may levels, but will not retire the way would have liked, even without the wife working one blessed day.
Been awhile since i posted. My wife has filed for divorce three weeks ago after we had a heart to heart concerning the basis of our relationship. The word love did not come up at all, and when the word empathy was used, she flat out said she had none for me.
About three weeks ago, I had eight massive cluster seizures at work and was rushed to the ER at 1 in the afternoon. I had two more seizures in the hospital and for anyone who has had the pleasure of having a grand mal, it is very painful and disorienting.
I sat in the ER from 1pm until 11:30pm when my wife drove up and essentially gave me a ride home. Blood all over my ripped white dress shirt, caked blood on my face and hair and various cuts and scratches all over. I was a mess.
I guess she meant what she said about empathy………………A few days later and a few sexual encounters, she stiffens her spine and pursues the divorce talk in earnest. “I’m done!”
For all you following this, she then tells me “For once I am standing on my own two feet.” Okay, for those who have simply not switched off your PC’s, she was obviously referring to her emotional slavery she essentially volunteered for. It all came out. All the green slime. I am manipulative, abusive, so on and so forth……She then takes up sleeping in my sons room and closing the door at night. ??????
She wants to mediate the situation at first until my attorney calls me to inform me she has retained legal representation from one of the most expensive law firms in the county. This is how it works guys. The opposing attorneys first letter requests the the husband pay his wife’s retainer. Gulp! If the husband does not, the opposing side goes to court to have temporary support granted including legal fees AND the cost of the hearing. If such support is granted, you can be shit sure this will be the basis for future alimony. Its a wedge issue.
I have been completing a CIS (Case Information Statement) which essentially discloses all the family assets and liabilities and is the basis for making a settlement in uncontested cases. If the parties don’t agree, the wife will file for divorce claiming verbal and emotional abuse (this is my case). For people who are new, my wife has on several occasions, punched, kicked and pulled my hair in fits of rage. So now when I attempt to even discuss division of furniture, etc. she races away warning me that if I do not stop harrassing her, she will get me in BIG TROUBLE. Meaning a phony restraining order.
We will have a conference in possibly two weeks (I insisted on a face to face meeting and not a one off telephone conversations).
To ALL men out there who are not happy with the way things are and are married < 10 years. File and get out. In my state, after 10 years, the award is alimony "for life."
If you < then 10 year guys think it's going to get way better, wake the hell up and move on.
Stay tuned. I am relieved on may levels, but will not retire the way would have liked, even without the wife working one blessed day.
Can’t figure if I’m on foot or horseback at the moment. Wife went from friendly mediation to hiring a schlock man killer attorney fro 0 to 60 in .2 seconds. Now she refuses to talk to me at all. These legal bills are going to break me. LDS? I’m in a fog. What’s that?
I could use some advice here. We are living together, hired attorneys, and nobody has filed yet until they see my case information statement listing where all the cash, stocks, etc are are worth and what we owe. We own a home free and clear. Vehicles, and a pretty good size 410K. I inherited a pile several years back which my operation of law is not part of equitable distribution (some good news)
She has mort worked. Has a BS (magna cum laude) and is a licensed teacher who never worked a frigging day. Home school, the whole routine. Now one is away in college, and the other attends private high school. So the wife is free from 6:30am until 4:30 pm. now, as part of her divorce, she volunteers to tell me she has had, or will plan an affaire with a man she has known for 6 years (way too much information). She told me with a smile on her face�I swear to God, and then every subsequent conversation thereafter. She even apologized for ding so and said she had no idea why she was doing it. I was SUPER cool and told her I was grateful she told me art least.
She tells me she’sms not told her family yet, so I think there is clearly a part two with this accouncement. God can only guess . So nos I have started loin for housing, but can’t until I know what alimony I am going to get saddled with for the rest of our lives�.I tried to have that conversation one night and she became angry and warned me that she was going to make things really bad for me if I didn’t stop harassing her�.I just walked away. Next day I invested in a voice activated recorder to memorialize her crazy making. First thing was getting her to talk about her love interest.
People, I put my food down, and I’m now going to get rapped in court. I know it, My attorney hugged me after our first big meeting and told me that I had done everything just perfect setting up for the future ALONE. She told me to buy a car or take a trip before parties filed.My epilepsy is off the charts again. I’m toast
I could use some advice here. We are living together, hired attorneys, and nobody has filed yet until they see my case information statement listing where all the cash, stocks, etc are are worth and what we owe. We own a home free and clear. Vehicles, and a pretty good size 410K. I inherited a pile several years back which my operation of law is not part of equitable distribution (some good news)
She has mort worked. Has a BS (magna cum laude) and is a licensed teacher who never worked a frigging day. Home school, the whole routine. Now one is away in college, and the other attends private high school. So the wife is free from 6:30am until 4:30 pm. now, as part of her divorce, she volunteers to tell me she has had, or will plan an affaire with a man she has known for 6 years (way too much information). She told me with a smile on her face�I swear to God, and then every subsequent conversation thereafter. She even apologized for ding so and said she had no idea why she was doing it. I was SUPER cool and told her I was grateful she told me art least.
She tells me she’sms not told her family yet, so I think there is clearly a part two with this accouncement. God can only guess . So nos I have started loin for housing, but can’t until I know what alimony I am going to get saddled with for the rest of our lives�.I tried to have that conversation one night and she became angry and warned me that she was going to make things really bad for me if I didn’t stop harassing her�.I just walked away. Next day I invested in a voice activated recorder to memorialize her crazy making. First thing was getting her to talk about her love interest.
People, I put my food down, and I’m now going to get rapped in court. I know it, My attorney hugged me after our first big meeting and told me that I had done everything just perfect setting up for the future ALONE. She told me to buy a car or take a trip before parties filed.My epilepsy is off the charts again. I’m toast
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Read Chapter 2. Joan Lundon sums it up……Halarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://books.google.com/books?id=F2cr0G_ZWmEC&pg=PT128&lpg=PT128&dq=Joan+Lunden+complains+about+paying+alimony&source=bl&ots=it6hulklbf&sig=I_LwBgbUl01cUgBmVZ0NfvdEXKM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QTvjT-jSF8Pg0gGa-I3PAw&ved=0CHEQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=Joan%20Lunden%20complains%20about%20paying%20alimony&f=false
http://books.google.com/books?id=F2cr0G_ZWmEC&pg=PT128&lpg=PT128&dq=Joan+Lunden+complains+about+paying+alimony&source=bl&ots=it6hulklbf&sig=I_LwBgbUl01cUgBmVZ0NfvdEXKM&hl=en&sa=X&ei=QTvjT-jSF8Pg0gGa-I3PAw&ved=0CHEQ6AEwBQ#v=onepage&q=Joan%20Lunden%20complains%20about%20paying%20alimony&f=false
Friday, October 12, 2012
It’s sad to read about your initial stages of this dilemma. You are articulating the earlier stages of this abusive entitlement mind set. My hope for you is that she discovers her own worth and can express her empowerment in a healthy way toward you. I made a mistake of calling my wife out to account for her unwillingness to tap into her vast source of unused income potential. She heard it as a threat and has acted accordingly since then. Meaning behaving as if doing so benefits me (personally) as some type of a favor, and not as a healthy enrichment of all of our lives.
I regret approaching her this way, and wish I could have done so while showing more dignity and maturity for my part. The temptation to freak out (after several years of asking, begging etc) is so strong. I wish I had taken more of the high road that has led me to where we are today. Two people not on the same page, angry and resentful (spiteful at times) over this very issue. It is an issue that touches on all the basic characteristics of a mature healthy relationship that enriches everyone.
It is often perverted into men being verbally abusive toward their spouse, unsupportive, cold, money hungry, selfish gorillas, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Asking for something that meets your needs is not a crime or indication that we are needy and unworthy. Men are taught not to have feelings and needs. We “do” things and are expected of us to meet our spouses needs with a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts, and never question what doing so gives us as far as satisfaction.
In my case the very thought of asking for anything important to fulfilling my needs is automatically viewed by my wife, her family and friends as unacceptable and confirmation that she is trapped in a bad relationship. Again, if a woman leaves her husband, he is a bad guy. If a guy leaves his wife, it’s “a bad relationship.”
Me and my wife have probably had our last fight over this topic after all the years of pitch and toss. The ill feelings have finally led to my wife assessing her level of dissatisfaction in the relationship and asking me for a divorce. I’m both happy and sad thing could not have been worked out long ago.
My two cents are to stay above the fray. Stay in a good emotional place, don’t give in to fighting (it’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. Pointless!
If I had to do it again? I would have laid it out calmly and then proceed from that to outline concrete solutions. Least of which would have been a threat of divorce (tempting not to put out there out of pure frustration). No, I would have just put the checking account and credit cards in my name and kept looking forward while ignoring all the talk about economic or mental abuse. In short, I would have thrown a saddle on that horse from day one before societal and family dynamics solidified under my feet.
I wish you luck staying quiet, strong and focused. From where I stand today, we might of been divorced years ago before it got to this point. I would have rather known earlier before things got more legally binding and complicated. You will be sad either way if these issues are not settled. Tell her that you would like to have a conversation, and not the last word.
See what happens
I regret approaching her this way, and wish I could have done so while showing more dignity and maturity for my part. The temptation to freak out (after several years of asking, begging etc) is so strong. I wish I had taken more of the high road that has led me to where we are today. Two people not on the same page, angry and resentful (spiteful at times) over this very issue. It is an issue that touches on all the basic characteristics of a mature healthy relationship that enriches everyone.
It is often perverted into men being verbally abusive toward their spouse, unsupportive, cold, money hungry, selfish gorillas, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Asking for something that meets your needs is not a crime or indication that we are needy and unworthy. Men are taught not to have feelings and needs. We “do” things and are expected of us to meet our spouses needs with a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts, and never question what doing so gives us as far as satisfaction.
In my case the very thought of asking for anything important to fulfilling my needs is automatically viewed by my wife, her family and friends as unacceptable and confirmation that she is trapped in a bad relationship. Again, if a woman leaves her husband, he is a bad guy. If a guy leaves his wife, it’s “a bad relationship.”
Me and my wife have probably had our last fight over this topic after all the years of pitch and toss. The ill feelings have finally led to my wife assessing her level of dissatisfaction in the relationship and asking me for a divorce. I’m both happy and sad thing could not have been worked out long ago.
My two cents are to stay above the fray. Stay in a good emotional place, don’t give in to fighting (it’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. Pointless!
If I had to do it again? I would have laid it out calmly and then proceed from that to outline concrete solutions. Least of which would have been a threat of divorce (tempting not to put out there out of pure frustration). No, I would have just put the checking account and credit cards in my name and kept looking forward while ignoring all the talk about economic or mental abuse. In short, I would have thrown a saddle on that horse from day one before societal and family dynamics solidified under my feet.
I wish you luck staying quiet, strong and focused. From where I stand today, we might of been divorced years ago before it got to this point. I would have rather known earlier before things got more legally binding and complicated. You will be sad either way if these issues are not settled. Tell her that you would like to have a conversation, and not the last word.
See what happens
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