Just a question. Through all the piled up cloths, dirty dishes, yardwork (maybe some inconsistant dinners?) did you cram your pride down deep and restrain yourself from being a sterotypical nag?
If so you can also relate to the same balancing act I played for years. Every day was a “lets just do whatever happens today” structure for her while I did what I was elected to do, make a living.
So many nights coming home to tails about a tough day at the puppet show and how the terrible 2’s got its name terrible I actually wondered what I was doing wrong or could do better. I get it. Wiping noses and asses all day is very hard work that typically does not start at 8 and end at 5 and have many if at all weekends off even if your under the weather. I have all the empathy in the world for what that’s like to endure, but when basics are not covered, clothes piled up, dishes etc. one has to question priorities.
In my case the more I took on the more time she had to watch her sister’s children. Yeah, you read it correctly. I took on the chores at home so she could take on chores at someone elses house…………..You may recall that when I was allowed to bring this up in marriage counseling she actually reached out and grabbed my leg and shook it yelling for me to shut up….The therapist was stunned, but to her discredit never explored that outburst. I suppose it was condoned?
She has also never worked outside of the home or otherwise make use of her teaching degree, rather she plunged herself into animal rescue and taunted me that I should also find a hobby. I thought a hobby was something you did to relax AFTER YOU WORKED? For the record, I work and really have no outlet. See, it’s even!
One more note concerning the Mayor of crazyland. She recently mowed two of our neighbors lawns while they were away and asked a third neighbor if she wanted her to maintain their property while they tried to sell their house. Yes, $25/ cut…….+ extras. To complete the picture, my property currently looks like South Viet Nam. I cut it last weekend…. I kid you not.
Anyway, my question was concerning repressed feelings.

Good luck

Hi
This issue I feel I’ve been dealing with early on in a 20 year marraige is a passive agressive personality. She has never been able to confront or participate in real issues. I don’t think she really knows its happening. She is terribly forgetful with me and may of her freinds. Deafening silent on real issues that require some uncomfortable discussion. She listens, but literally contributes little. I has driven my crazy for years. Early on I would express my opinion on issues that somewhat made us appear less than the always happy couple. She shut down, ignored it, would not discuss it then or ever again. naturally the issues surfaced again and i got the same non response…Only this time i would get angry. My anger shut her down more. on and on and on.
Everyone loves her (me also) because she answers their questions, engages in conversation, etc while I felt put aside, isolated and depressed. I find myself apologizing for stuff I did that only seemed to be in my head. Who wouldn’t?
Then I was cast further aside as being too sensitive or thin skinned. In other words, don’t expect me discuss issues because the more I give non answers the more you (me) seem to want to pursue them. I could deal with a big fat F you rather than NOTHING. Actually NOTHING is a big fat F you once or twice removed from reality.
Sooooo, I’m painted as the overy sensitive pest…The truly sad part is the dynamic works perfectly. I get so PO I have even dropped the D word which again empowers her that I am not worthy of serious discussion. i.e. The bad guy.
i have even tried my own stonewalling. Fighting stonewall with stonewall… People, it’s horrible because the goal is complete and total noncommunication. Suits her fine, but drives a stake through my heart and I get bitter and angrier.
Marriage counseling? She does not truthfully participate. The counselor we did go to at one point asked her if she was afraid of me. Afraid of me? I had never thought that way before, but it occured to me later on that truthfully sharing in a stand and deliver situation was nearly hopeless.
She went to counseling alone and shortly after she went I noticed she became somewhat more assertive, but in a very negative way toward me. Victim? Oh yeah!
Question + no answer = frustration. Frustration + no answer = self doubt Self doubt + no answer = anger Anger + no answer = hopelessness Hopelessness + no answer = depression Depression + no answer = detachment “Detachment?” See, she was right! I really don’t care…..I knew it ! I really didn’t deserve and answer at all.
It all equals insanity.

I feel your pain. My son came home last night at 2:30 drunk on vodka. I knew he was on something else and I said so. He dared me to test him. So this morning I bought a home drug test and …ta da! I took him up on his offer. Both pot and amphetamines….Good job.
We also got notification today he’s repeating his Jr. year in high school. Just a whole bowl of wrong!
He seems to be moving up in the world. I make light of this but if I didn’t I’d go mad.
Again the opening cost of a comprehensive program is north of $150,000. I diplomatically made an inquiry about liquidating her bonds to pay for part of this. Took seconds to hit the stone wall. She is consistent…

My strategy going forward? STAND STILL. My son is out of control, but MY feeling all along has been let him find his bottom. All the “therapy” in the world won’t help unless his heart is open to it. It’s not. $150K would therefore pay for hypnotizing a chicken.
The wife also had these issues when she was young, so the pendulum swings. The pathology is obvious.
All families have issues, and most if not all people are out of their frigging minds. The question is, too what degree?
Like you my wife is a very frugal person. She balances that out with cat rescue. Not the worst thing in the world, unless it rises to the level of a cult.

Should I stay? I say no for the same reasons you outline. I’m just not ready to destroy the village in order to save it. Yet.

Talking to people does help to a point. We can blame everyone all day long, but as in therapy the focus is really on us and what we want. Controlling our emotions is a big one for me. It makes no sense. Focus on myself is not easy when you have no idea where your mate is coming from. Maybe she’s waiting also? What do they say? Its complicated.

Stand still for now. See what happens, but remember. Your not crazy or alone.

I think she will be glad to see me go. Being, dependent, resentful, entitled and the identified victim will leave no doubt her justification for being paid the rest of my life.

I am far from perfect, but my resentment is almost entirely centered on not having an equal partner. (I’ve said this to her as plain as you are reading this). She quietly pouted how I was so controlling of our finances, yet she kept “her” money well segregated and balanced while I juggled supporting three people.

In a very real way I also felt embarrassed that we/I was struggling so hard to give her what she seemed to want. My biggest enemy were all the second guessing and doubt. I was told I thought and worried too much…..somebody had to.

When I started to wake up some time ago I did remind her that she should really be grateful I did all this so she didn’t have to. The response I get lately is “It’s not all about you.”

Well, it is about me because I’m a big part of our family. Her Dad died when she was 4, I’m 7 years older….I get it. But see, I’m not her abstract notion of a husband or father. She romanticized and embellished (all natural) her dad which nobody could live up to in the real world. It’s a shit sandwich.
My hard work and her stonewalling are a very bad combination. The more she sits still and less she says , the more second guessing I undertake, angrier I get, and the resentment builds. I feel like a marble in a tin can.

Most men are task oriented to some great degree. When the task is clear and your partner says NOTHING most anybody would naturally assume something was wrong.
So, rather than keep walking in the dark waiting for your nose to find the sharp edge of a door, I stopped altogether. Then the terms “emotionally absent” a la Oprah and Dr. Phil started popping up.
Talk about not knowing if you are foot or horseback….

It became easier and easier to throw up my hands and walk to my corner. I blocked out part of the silence by working which even though I disliked it, gave me some degree of satisfaction and control. Control of my thoughts, not of another person. I did not sign on to this. I wanted and was led to believe my wife would be appreciative and my equal.

I so want this to work and have some clarity as to the pathology that got us here in the first place, that some type of counseling will without question be in order to either bring this to a head, our set the new world order. It gives me more options in the near term.

Anyway, thanks for reading all my blather. Your comments and support help.

Regards