What's This Blog About?

I was reading through what was at first an infuriating article The Real Reason Why Your Wife Doesn't Want To Work. Now, one may say that article should infuriate someone like me, because I've worked full time my entire marriage. True, I worked to help support my family, not to chase rainbows or find "fulfillment" or any of that feminist garbage. I grew up old fashioned and it did irk me that some feminist would refer to our fore-mothers and those who stay at home to raise their kids as leeches or childlike.

I was feeling like it was another one of those mommy wars articles. Damned if you do and Damned if you don't. Some people will bash a mom for working saying she doesn't care about her family. If she doesn't work, she is a lazy leech. So much for women's rights. My personal feelings are do what's right for your family and forget what anyone else thinks. Seriously, no matter what you do, its wrong.

I really didn't get the context of the article until I read the comments of Tom G and actually read the story of his failed marriage and then divorce. I never realized how many SAHMs that exist that really are leeches and a detriment. Not saying all are, or hell not even most are.

However, his comments made for an interesting read and I think he should write a novel about his experiences.

Looking back after almost a year after my divorce, there was not a specific day, or one specific incident. There were many signs before, during and now after. Now that I’m dating again I feel more literate to see them coming. There have been dating situations I can just sense do not make sense. At 54 the dating pool almost always involve “baggage” that present themselves is various degrees. Some involve complicated family commitments, codependent behavior, significant abandonment issues…..the pathologies seem endless, but I don’t bite the hook.

Hi all
No, not all woman are like that, but I am at a point in my new life after a 22 year miserable marriage to a Psychiatrists dream, I have come to terms with my part in that relationship. I put up with it, enabled it, rationalized it, but knew deep down something was terribly wrong with her.
Interesting that the woman who moved into your house and refused to move out, drew up tears and, I’m sure, a cock in bull story rather than leave and move on. My ex treated me like a POS, and actually enjoyed (smiled wide) telling me about her BF….It’s still hard to explain, but it was if she had been repressed all these years and was pleased to hurt me. I asked her to give it time and see what happened. She refused (big smile) “I’m moving on with my life.” She actually told me that I was so sad because for the first time she was standing on her own two feet….. I was still taken by surprise, but had the presence of mind to tell her “it’s about eff’ing time.”
Then, the very day of our divorce, all the things I asked her to consider: giving it time. Kick the can down the road. Telling her I felt like it was just a wrong thing” all came back to me in her own voice. Almost word for word.
She actually said “If you really love me, you’ll do the right thing.”
Ladies and Gents, it all became clear, and I divorced her.

Keeping my eyes and ears open is best thing I could do for myself at the age of 54. They are all out there and it takes real guts to see it and walk. They call it “baggage.” I call it being self aware.

Hi

Yes, now being in the dating world, I see what the real world is for the vast majority of woman I have come to know. A few career teachers, a dentist and two woman who worked full time with significantly handicapped children with zero help from their ex husbands who were “men boys” drunks, lazy, or simply didn’t take their vows seriously.
I must be honest, if I were faced working full time with full responsibility for a sick or handicapped child would be well beyond what I feel I could cope with.
One woman I am seeing is a full time teaching assistant (15 years) who had to carry her husband’s addiction on her back and ignored completing her bachelors degree to become a certified art teacher….Meaning she makes less than half of what a teacher makes. She also cleaned houses, painted, taught private art classes until she sadly discovered that even steel breaks.
These stories are very raw reminders that the relationship I was in was very much one sided, selfish, and abusive. Even to this day, my ex behaves as if certain things I used to provide her are still her entitlement. God love her, she really has no idea she’s even doing it.

Yes, the real issue with me was the guilt, confusion, frustration I carried for years believing I was supposed to take care of my ex wife in a way I wouldn’t permit if my own children behaved the same way.

Bravo!!!!
You have nerves of steel. I could have never done what you had the guts to actually do. I really have to hand it to you to live the hypocrisy. Of course she left lickty split!!!

I have to ask a few questions. When you asked your wife to work and cut down on your nervous exhaustion in progress, was her answer silence? Did she have a plan or was it the Mexican standoff? Did she shovel the guilt manipulation at you?

I can assure you (for me anyway) it never ends. The entitlement is so ingrained it’s almost invisible……and it’s taken me awhile to stand back. The word no is actually a whole sentence. Amazing, but I’m still tugged to fix her problems, and feel like the king of the world when she pretends to pay attention to me whatsoever.

I hope you are relieved?

Good wishes,

Tom

Some Judges won’t. However, my current female friend has been divorced 10 years, and unlike many, she wanted out, she wanted the house she essentially bought with proceeds from the sale of her non marital home, and no alimony. She was told to pay $475/ moth support for two children….that was it. However, in the final hearing, the Judged reminded her that she was entitled to alimony, and asked her several times if she were sure of what she was giving up. She did, and her ex has not paid one dime in support since . Owes about $80K and because he is a hopeless drunk, she has never made an issue out of it. I will also mention her youngest daughter is 24 and challenged with health issues……she did it all alone, and confesses she preferred doing so just not to deal with him. BRAVO!
My kinda woman…..strong, smart, mature, and a lot of fun. To everyone going through a divorce, or thinking about it, it gets better in so many ways.
I can even be in the same room with my ex and not get upset anymore……

Like you, I made it clear I was going to the wall with alimony, so she gladly took a buyout.

Hang in there all. I still have my moments, but it gradually gets better…..even though it is so much different. Being treated nicely takes al lot of energy, trust, and patience. It’s normal.

If I can add an emotional note, the sad moments for me are what you mentioned. Staying home doing laundry over contributing to the financial security of the family. In my case it was health reasons, but not even that potential could break her off the trail of self entitlement.
It’s tragic in so many ways. I still do not understand what makes these woman believe anyone owes them a rose garden. She now reminds me (history re write) that she “sacraficed” her career to stay home with the boys, and that her contibution to one of our son’s home school experience has made all the difference in the world to his life.
Problem was I never questioned her contribution, or margialized it in any way. I simply needed help and was foolish to expect she would seriously recognize that and support me in that respect. In no way was she ever standing at the front door when these boys got home from school with an apple and peanut butter sandwiches. Her arguement was only valid between the walls of our home while all of her friends and all of her family worked and raised children. I know because she had a lot of time to babysit many of their children while they worked……Think about that? Not only was she fulfilling her vision of a stay home Mom for our children, she was also selflessly fulfilling that vision for her family and freinds as a surrogate Donna Reed on my dime because I simply gave up trying to reason with an out of touch child. I still want to pull my own teeth out thinking about that logic…..