If I can add an emotional note, the sad moments for me are what you mentioned. Staying home doing laundry over contributing to the financial security of the family. In my case it was health reasons, but not even that potential could break her off the trail of self entitlement.
It’s tragic in so many ways. I still do not understand what makes these woman believe anyone owes them a rose garden. She now reminds me (history re write) that she “sacraficed” her career to stay home with the boys, and that her contibution to one of our son’s home school experience has made all the difference in the world to his life.
Problem was I never questioned her contribution, or margialized it in any way. I simply needed help and was foolish to expect she would seriously recognize that and support me in that respect. In no way was she ever standing at the front door when these boys got home from school with an apple and peanut butter sandwiches. Her arguement was only valid between the walls of our home while all of her friends and all of her family worked and raised children. I know because she had a lot of time to babysit many of their children while they worked……Think about that? Not only was she fulfilling her vision of a stay home Mom for our children, she was also selflessly fulfilling that vision for her family and freinds as a surrogate Donna Reed on my dime because I simply gave up trying to reason with an out of touch child. I still want to pull my own teeth out thinking about that logic…..

Good move. You took a possible tax hit from liquidating assets, into a support/alimony payment which is a tax deduction for you, and taxable income to her. Bravo!
My ex took a lump sum because it was 100% tax free and on a tax basis worked out better for her, and met my criteria not to have to carry her lazy ass one more day than required.
It worked out great for me because I was a hair away from going on disability (the stress was causing seizures a few times a week) and her affair was the BEST thing to happen at the BEST time. She is a very needy person, so it was a lock he would charge in on a white horse and save her. As it eventually turned out he was so paranoid she would go back to me, he hacked her email and cell phone and got caught…….
When we made a settlement offer, she simply took it. My attorney (she was great and has a reputation for being very very tough) told me to shut my mouth and let my star struck wife bring the whole thing in for a landing…..she did.
She now lives in a house she can’t afford, and I really don’t think she thought the fact through she now has no health insurance, car insurance…..zippo! I actually laughed because she she amassed THREE speeding tickets in a year (yes, rules of the road don’t apply to her either lol) that our car insurance company dropped her a month after we were divorced. Into the high risk pool she went at the cost of $5,000/ year. My insurance went down by $1,600….ha ha ha……Not to go on and on, but she called me up and begged me to keep her on my car policy. If you follow through with a divorce, the best part is the word “No” is actually a complete sentence. lol
In truth, she is sitting on a slug of cash, so she can afford it, but like when we were married, that is “her money.”

I have to say although my retirement has been stunted, I got a really really good deal. My stress is down, seizures are under control. I’m pretty calm and happy, and I have been seeing a really nice woman who shares many of my values and interests who is a lot of fun…….

All the best, and it will be one way or the other.

The planning has to be slow, thoughtful, and very very hush hush. Again, I can’t stress enough to avoid punishing her with that nuclear threat. Better to tease her real thoughts out, patiently reflect them back, and make mental notes. It will help you focus on what you are doing and why. It might minimize the second thoughts (there will be plenty of those opportunities during family dinners, holidays, etc….
Or, you might actually get through to her and pull back. Stranger crap has happened along my path to the door.
In my case my ex just shut me out, and unleashed her best passive aggressive behavior on me. Avoid, change the subject, or even mockingly agree with me….

When my lawyer called me to tell me she had engage a firm, was the worst day of my life. It’s so emotional, but again focus with your attorney if it happens. Pick one or two things you will go to war over in the process. If you want to retain your pension, go after that hard, and neogotiate a solution, or not. In my case I inherited a pile (she could not touch) so I made it clear day one I would rather burn all my money rather than pay her alimony. I refused, and I went very very hard for that. You might also think of doing a little “crazy posturing” early on.
I do not pay alimony, but gave her a slug of cash, a house and half of my retirement. It was worth it!

Having a plan is not mean because you must know your rights, and again realize, everything is neogotiable. If you interview your attorney and they tell you the whole deal is simply math driven, get up and walk out and find another lawyer. You will get killed!!!

Yes, having a support group is important. A few guys at work who went through it were my cheer leaders and supporters. It’s important, but avoid telling too many people.

Good luck, and from my heart I hope you can work things out with you wife, but keep an open mind and open eyes.

When I made those move in the accounts, I was labled as a controlling, manipulative abusive person. (I guess she had to say something v I just don’t want to work as long as this sucker puts up with it). So, mentally prepare because you will be cast aside as the evil doer.

My biggest WTF moment was two days before we had our oldest son removed from our home for drug, behavior and alcohol issues into a $150,000 rehab/boarding school in Utah.
She threatened to leave if i did not fork over the cash to get him into the program, but refused to talk about how I was going to pay for it. Sorry, she told me that I didn’t have to pay it all up front…..(I swear to God. With a straight face and all…)
So I caved in AGAIN. I was on the phone and email with the program directors and the transportation company who were essentially going to kidnap my 17 year old son when she took a cell phone call, made up some bullshit excuse about getting our youngest son, and drove off. Turns out she went out to complete a cat adoption…….I kept it together, called he and calmly demanded she get back home. She did, but I knew at that very second that this woman was mentally unstable and I just failed to recognize who this person really was. A certified science teacher who graduated with highest honors looks me in the eye and half ass tells me she will get a job in a supermarket. I was totally on my own, having major medical issues of my own that nearly cost me my job (still not out of the woods) and it sounded like she was actually challenging my breaking point. Little did I know about her boyfreind…..The rest is history. Point being, you start down that road and be prepared with a plan. Talk to any attorney and see what a divorce looks like for you. Have an escape plan….if anything it may keep you sane knowing there is one. Also, TELL NOBODY of this plan. One huge mistake I made was letting the cat out of the bag as a threat to get her shit together. She later used that as her reason to have an affair, blamed me for leaving her and the kids, plus the act of threatening her was proof positive that I was a verbally abusive man. (there is a fine line).
The last thing the professionals warned me about that i thought would never happened, was what I would do when she came crawling back. They told me to think carefully about that real possability. I didn’t, and when it happened I was very tempted to let water flow under the bridge….but I quickly saw it was all about her and money, so I put the peddle to the metal and got it over with. How? I asked her what had changed and she had no answer. None….Something about investing a lot of time and 20 years she sacrificed bringing up our two boys….bla bla bla…..that sealed the deal. The best thing is you are in no hurry. Take your time. Line up your ducks, and don’t feel guilty doing these things. Trust me, lawyers and judges don’t give a solid shit if you are working or not. You will pay, or go to jail.

Jase
I would need two signed affidavits from attorneys before i would give you advice… lol.
You have a very frustrating situation on your hands, and if the roles were reversed, the result would without question paint you as a lazy, entitled loafer who is sponges off his wife….bla bla bla. That is society, and there is nothing we can do about that but choose to accept it, or not. The extreme in my case was my ex was having an affair, but even then, it was not her fault because the relationship was bad. You can’t speak to this stuff because it is an abject waste of your time perpetuated by the likes of Oprah and her man hate speak.

If you press the issue, do it in terms of asking her questions. “Would you be willing to talk about our finacial situation?” Would you be willing to work to give our children assurances they can go to the college of their choice?” “Would you be willing……bla bla bla. My point is, call her out and have her say the words, or simply say no. Oh, you do have a right to ask her why? “Would you be willing to tell me why?” If she blows you off, gets angry, or clams up altogether, you have a real situation on your hands. Just be mindful that when you put actions into effect :control the checkbook. A budget. Taking back credit cards.” You have crossed the Rubicon. All I can really say is you will know what is best for you. Divorce is going to hit you hard financially, emotionally, and will open you up to some real ugliness.

Good luck Brother

Hi all

Been over a month and reality has set in with my ex. Still no real job, and the list of complaints get longer all the time.
The last conversation I had with her, she told me that my bills have gotten smaller, and her’s larger. Guess what folks, I have been saying this for years. I gave her spread sheets, control of the checkbook in hopes I’d eventually hear the nickel drop and her realize what it takes to pay for things. I guess that’s still not working out for her….. lol
To top it off, I got a call from my car insurance agent. She said that my ex called her and asked if she could stay on my policy and that I had agreed to it. Legally I’m not sure you can insure a car I don’t own for a person I am no longer related to…… So, the real story is she racked up three speeding tickets in the last year (another SURPRISE!!!!!) and as soon as my divorce went through, my insurance company could not wait to dump her into the high risk state program which is triple the normal cost. One of the speeding tickets was so bad (she was well over 15 miles over the limit, she was cited for reckless driving as well.
You see folks, she is so entitled even the rules of the road are making her life a living hell………the pattern continues.
When I confronted her with this lie, she told me: “Just go along with it and shut your mouth.”

Oh……really? As an add on, the life insurance policy the court mandated she get to cover both our boys 9I did the same) has just been ignored. Reason is her high risk status makes her life more expensive (double) to insure.

Lastly, to complete transfer of half my retirement account into her name my attorney is required to get a court order to present my broker and employer. There is a filing fee involved for both of us totaling $190. She jumped all over me and insisted it was a hardship and I should pay for it since I had to give it to her………..She is bitching about $190 to obtain a $150,000 tax free retirement package she never worked a day to contribute into.

The best part about being divorced to this woman child, is that the word “no” is now actually an entire sentence.
For you guys on the fence, just want you to know it does not seem to change even though at the last minute she broke down and admitted how difficult she made my life, etc….It was nothing but the reality that she was facing reality and given a year had done NOTHING to prepare. SURPRISE!!!!