Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Vince
My Wife and I never discussed if it made sense or not. She took her highest honors science teaching degree and decided to stay home and wipe noses and asses. Fast forward…..our boys are 17 and 15 and have managed their own hygiene for many years.
Both are in private schools now (our oldest is waiting to get into military school because he simply failed his Jr. year of high school, is smoking ample amounts of pot and drinking – plus girls girls girls). Yep, all that stay home Mom stuff is paying off in spades…..The most hurtful part echoed by her family is that I worked too much and was “not present” in his life. Shame on me for not quitting my job and staying home.
The literal kicker is that she and her family also lampoon my Wife’s Sister’s Husband for not working enough so they (meaning her Sister) can work less, take better vacations, and save for both college and retirement (I KID YOU NOT). All the stuff I’ve been doing for over 20 years ALONE. These are the same people who tell me that I worry too much about money and that if I just stop fretting I’ll realize (again, I shit you not) “That the money always seems to come.”
They are 100% right though, and I also know why. So nobody else has to worry about it. They also talk about trying to give them $10 or $20K to catch their breath…..Moral hazard anyone? Magic thinking at it’s finest brought to you by self entitled, unempathetic, selfish, self absorbed dunderheads. What do I do lately? I just stand still and keep the ink in my pen.
My problem was that I explained and defended myself every step of the way becasue I cared a whole lot about everyone. I’m not a tyrant, I just don’t rush into anything anymore or pay attention to the attendant silent treatment and stonewalling.

Good Luck

Image result for mom wiping nose cartoon

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

You sound like good people and good parents. You have gone above and beyond. Tough love, but empathetic. A hard balancing act. Our son is 17, ADHD to the max. Smoking and dealing pot, drinking, and having a lot of sex with younger girls (thank God with protection – that we know of).
A friend of mine who went through this told me: You did not create it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Sounds easy, right?
We are going through everything at this point. Blaming one another, her family blaming me for not being able to raise the boys better AND work a job that takes care of everything while their daughter cried working and child care were just too hard. Never attempted it, but I guess it just sounded like too much work. Who knows?

We looked into wilderness programs, therapeutic boarding schools to the tune of over $150,000/ year. NOT. My wife “wants” that though TADA!
I found a very good military boarding school about an hour from home, and our son seems very eager to go. Thank God.

Fact is I learned in business that you have to place, manage and execute by the rule. Focus on the goal and forget (for the most part) the hundreds of scenarios that could work or go terribly wrong. If you look at things as one big unending problem you are essentially letting problems manage you. Solving a problem with a problem.

I say military school because the problem is behavioral and not all together smoking pot, although selling the stuff is criminal. yes, he can buy and sell the stuff at school. He can just hook up with his friends on weekends and holidays and pick up where he left off, but my goal at this point is to give him a golden opportunity to graduate high school. That’s it. I can’t guaranty happiness or a magical turnaround if he spends 6 weeks in the woods making fires without matches, nor can I fathom what would happen after 8-12 months forced education and “therapy.” I don’t believe that worked out well at the Hanoi Hilton. It is brainwashing, and part of the program is they come and get them in the middle of the night. Oh yeah, this is serious and Utah is a very parent friendly state to get away with this type “program.”

There are no studies or peer reviews on the outcome of these programs, so anyone reading and in this fix, speak to as many people as possible first. Going to therapy and making someone go (with our without a court order) is somewhat of a joke.
Just keep asking the question: “And then what?” Wilderness program turns into boarding school. Boarding school turns into a step down halfway house, etc etc….bottom line, with this economy and a high school GED, the kid will end up back at home where the trouble started. In other words, it’s a waste of time.

Anyway, if you can take it and convince your wife, take the hard line. “We love you, hate what you are doing to yourself, but we wish you well. Be prepared to get a restraining order and late night calls crying that they are sleeping in somebody's tool shed. (A few friends of mine who are all very born again Christians, took such measures to protect themselves and the other children in the home.

Just me talking, but it might do you well to speak to somebody for awhile if your wife is not on the same page. Often both of you are scared shitless or are so confused and, in my case, angry as hell.

Your not alone.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Watch two or three kids? Get onboard the Rationalization Express. Then when my wife took in two, she behavied as if it were something that kept our family going since I was portrayed as CHEAP. You got it! A cheapskate depriving her and the children….HOWEVER, all that money she made went into HER bank account. Ah yes!
I also love this woman with all my heart, but she makes my hair hurt trying to reason with crazy.
If your like me you will defer to her needs and wants and hope it makes her happy. IT WON’T.
I let her go what she wanted, and in the end I was accused of being emotionally not present for my children. I still haven’tfully removed that knife from my back.
My wife’s Dad died when she was 5 so she’s well grounded in her own imagination of what would have been. Most of us grew up with Dad’s who had a few warts, in her case her Dad was Ward Clever and Superman. Add to that her Mom had an abusive and absent Dad, and her Grandmother the same. This is a Social Worker’s dream. Take all that and add that my wife’s spiritual mentor is her lesbian Aunt who was supposidly raped as a young girl and blames everything on “the stars” and not herself.
I should have made a clean gettaway when I could.

On a bright note, I found a very nice house recently and know that financially I can carry all of it + the house I’m in. It would be like being divorced without lawyers and retainers. I have not tipped my hand yet, but did ask her to look at it. I had my realtor call her who is a freind of ours) and she asked a few questions, but expressed no interest in looking at it. One of the purposes would be to get my boys in a decent school system. We tried to move 10 years ago to that district, but again i was overruled.

Your not alone Jason

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