Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Here’s the deal. I live in NJ which a gulag camp for divorced men. I was (soon to be unmarried) for 21 years. In NJ it is alimony for life (these all sound like prison terms. “For life.” “5 to 10.” etc………
If your attorney tells you there is some type of spreadsheet for figuring alimony, walk right out of their office and find another attorney. There IS NO FORMULA or “guideline”, its what you can talk her into doing with the least amount of fuss. If her appetite is cash, give her some pre tax (lump sum), and a house (also pre tax).
Your reasoning is spot on, but if your wife is bat shit, you need to find the most aggressive attorney you can find to back you up.
I pulled it off. Gave my STBE the house, $90K in cash, 1/2 my retirement, and child support that imputed her income as a certified science teacher at $50K/ year. In other words, “get a job.” That said, I had significant non distributable assets I could have raised a huge legal defense with (wear her down) – BUT, the secret weapon for me (my opinion) is her boyfriend who she believes is like minded (I was at one time……….) who owns his own business, is divorced himself, and might need a hand up from the alimony he’s paying out of his backside. His wife lives is a very very nice home in a great part of town, so it is clear she got that and more in the divorce. The word is he likes to drink and like woman about 10 year younger then my STBE…………..Too funny.
Side note. She loves they guy because he’s so loving, calm and respectful. Her and I had a disagreement on a free weekend, so rather then talk about it (I’ve never met this guy) he picks up the phone and calls me at work to chew me out for wrecking his weekend…….Can you say brass ones? I believe this ape actually thought HE could somehow make ME do what he wants……..Can anyone else hear warning bells?
Anyway, spread your assets on the table and carefully make a weak offer. The next person who speaks loses. If she wants to kill you, you will know in seconds, if the counter offer is somewhere inside orbit, you might be able to buy her out. BTW: I should have gone with alimony because she and this guy love one another, and since the wife likes to be taken care of, I figure she will be remarried in three years, but I wasn’t going to roll the dice because of the unhealthy chemistry I see happening between them.
AGAIN, everything is negotiable.
If your attorney tells you there is some type of spreadsheet for figuring alimony, walk right out of their office and find another attorney. There IS NO FORMULA or “guideline”, its what you can talk her into doing with the least amount of fuss. If her appetite is cash, give her some pre tax (lump sum), and a house (also pre tax).
Your reasoning is spot on, but if your wife is bat shit, you need to find the most aggressive attorney you can find to back you up.
I pulled it off. Gave my STBE the house, $90K in cash, 1/2 my retirement, and child support that imputed her income as a certified science teacher at $50K/ year. In other words, “get a job.” That said, I had significant non distributable assets I could have raised a huge legal defense with (wear her down) – BUT, the secret weapon for me (my opinion) is her boyfriend who she believes is like minded (I was at one time……….) who owns his own business, is divorced himself, and might need a hand up from the alimony he’s paying out of his backside. His wife lives is a very very nice home in a great part of town, so it is clear she got that and more in the divorce. The word is he likes to drink and like woman about 10 year younger then my STBE…………..Too funny.
Side note. She loves they guy because he’s so loving, calm and respectful. Her and I had a disagreement on a free weekend, so rather then talk about it (I’ve never met this guy) he picks up the phone and calls me at work to chew me out for wrecking his weekend…….Can you say brass ones? I believe this ape actually thought HE could somehow make ME do what he wants……..Can anyone else hear warning bells?
Anyway, spread your assets on the table and carefully make a weak offer. The next person who speaks loses. If she wants to kill you, you will know in seconds, if the counter offer is somewhere inside orbit, you might be able to buy her out. BTW: I should have gone with alimony because she and this guy love one another, and since the wife likes to be taken care of, I figure she will be remarried in three years, but I wasn’t going to roll the dice because of the unhealthy chemistry I see happening between them.
AGAIN, everything is negotiable.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Hi
All I wanted was an equal partner to share everything with. I knew I was in trouble early on when my STBE snapped at me that if she worked she would shoulder all the burden. Well, gee wiz……where do I find her a rose garden?
The point was she didn’t even try. Rather she assumed this man was lazy and would oppress her into slavery…….pure nonsense!
Then the private school stuff started and when we split the loaf (one home schooled and one in public) I found her expectations unrealistic and methods of getting her way manipulative and abusive.
NOT all woman who stay home are abusive and lazy, but it should be worth noting that a college educated woman with two young men in high school and school need not rescue cats all the live long day + have an affair to boot.
All I wanted was an equal partner to share everything with. I knew I was in trouble early on when my STBE snapped at me that if she worked she would shoulder all the burden. Well, gee wiz……where do I find her a rose garden?
The point was she didn’t even try. Rather she assumed this man was lazy and would oppress her into slavery…….pure nonsense!
Then the private school stuff started and when we split the loaf (one home schooled and one in public) I found her expectations unrealistic and methods of getting her way manipulative and abusive.
NOT all woman who stay home are abusive and lazy, but it should be worth noting that a college educated woman with two young men in high school and school need not rescue cats all the live long day + have an affair to boot.
Monday, January 28, 2013
You felt what is was like to have a mate just do enough to keep himself busy (My STBE) never seriously considered even looking for a job. She was a stay home Mom (fine) but demanded better schools which required her to work. She just never put 2 and 2 together until we filed for divorce. Now her animal rescue activities have petered out, and she has all but taken up with another man on the other side of town.
All she did was replace snooks to take care of her. Claiming to stand on her own two feet, I received a call one morning from her BF (we are not divorced yet) chiding me that my change in plans one weekend (it was an emergent situation I felt did not deserve my STBE knowing because she takes off whenever she wants and flate tells me its none of my business).
Now imagine my utter shock at this guys big brass ones: I asked him who he was, and why he was calling. His answer made him sound like a fool. My change of plans was interfering with his weekend with my wife at his house and he was angry at me………..
Alert alert Will Robinson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s hooked up with a real gorilla (he owns a tree service and is rather on the big side) and feels it’s his right to hop scotch over my wife and deal with me directly. Folks……………does anyone out there believe for one second me, or anyone for that matter, would cave into such threats? She found a “real man” to take care of her this time……….Holy control freak Batman!!!!!!!!! She chose a real winner.
So, in sum, people who don’t pull their weight or who are selfish (maybe your hubby has clinical depression) and do the very bear minimum are (call a spade a spade) slackers.
Most woman get a pass, but men usually do not. I was listening to the radion one night, and a caller (woman) called into confess that since her husband lost a job, through no fault of his, she now thinks him less of a man, and by extention no longer attractive to her.
Woman would rather see their husbands and fathers in armor die on the backs of their white horses, rather then fall off.
All she did was replace snooks to take care of her. Claiming to stand on her own two feet, I received a call one morning from her BF (we are not divorced yet) chiding me that my change in plans one weekend (it was an emergent situation I felt did not deserve my STBE knowing because she takes off whenever she wants and flate tells me its none of my business).
Now imagine my utter shock at this guys big brass ones: I asked him who he was, and why he was calling. His answer made him sound like a fool. My change of plans was interfering with his weekend with my wife at his house and he was angry at me………..
Alert alert Will Robinson!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She’s hooked up with a real gorilla (he owns a tree service and is rather on the big side) and feels it’s his right to hop scotch over my wife and deal with me directly. Folks……………does anyone out there believe for one second me, or anyone for that matter, would cave into such threats? She found a “real man” to take care of her this time……….Holy control freak Batman!!!!!!!!! She chose a real winner.
So, in sum, people who don’t pull their weight or who are selfish (maybe your hubby has clinical depression) and do the very bear minimum are (call a spade a spade) slackers.
Most woman get a pass, but men usually do not. I was listening to the radion one night, and a caller (woman) called into confess that since her husband lost a job, through no fault of his, she now thinks him less of a man, and by extention no longer attractive to her.
Woman would rather see their husbands and fathers in armor die on the backs of their white horses, rather then fall off.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Also, not EVERY woman does this. One straight jackets does not fit all.
My wife is a teacher and working (even part time) could have worked perfectly to balance our time at work and her time with our children/with summers off. I just made too much sense.
When this topic (reality) came up shortly after our first son was born 19 years ago, she told me that if she did teach she would then “have to do it all.” Meaning, work, children, clean, cook………….Truth, I clean bathrooms, and at the time did almost all the cooking.
So, she stayed home and did what she “wanted.”
This is not the 1950’s! We needed the income, and it was insulting to blame me for being inflexible (I cook and clean bathrooms while I’m not working) and more insulting to unilaterally “choose” and dismiss all those facts because she thought she would have to do more………………….she demanded a rose garden.
No, there are plenty of hard working mothers and wives in the world and it was right under her nose. ALL HER SISTERS married slackers, and all of them work and take care of children, etc……they often lamented how they would like to pumpkin pick, go to the zoo and the park at will like their sister.
My wife is a teacher and working (even part time) could have worked perfectly to balance our time at work and her time with our children/with summers off. I just made too much sense.
When this topic (reality) came up shortly after our first son was born 19 years ago, she told me that if she did teach she would then “have to do it all.” Meaning, work, children, clean, cook………….Truth, I clean bathrooms, and at the time did almost all the cooking.
So, she stayed home and did what she “wanted.”
This is not the 1950’s! We needed the income, and it was insulting to blame me for being inflexible (I cook and clean bathrooms while I’m not working) and more insulting to unilaterally “choose” and dismiss all those facts because she thought she would have to do more………………….she demanded a rose garden.
No, there are plenty of hard working mothers and wives in the world and it was right under her nose. ALL HER SISTERS married slackers, and all of them work and take care of children, etc……they often lamented how they would like to pumpkin pick, go to the zoo and the park at will like their sister.
Alimony for life…………….what a concept. The wince on my Attorney’s face when I told her she never worked after 21 years sent shivers down my spine. I make a good living AND I was blessed with some significant inherited cash (which is outside of equitable distribution).
I had to play “bat shit” and made it clear that I would rather burn through every dime rather then give her anything “for life.” My Attorney signed onto that and I was very happy the day she put my STBE back on her heels. My wife graduated college with highest honors as a biology teacher and never really bothered to even look for work. Her income was imputed as if she were working, and my child support went down. Meaning the message is she must find work. (I hope your all sitting down reading this part) She is now cleaning houses for cash rather then find work……She did this in high school + babysit. I kid you all not! Proof positive she does not like the serious responsibility of having to be somewhere at a certain time for a specific purpose.
In the end I gave her the house (debt free) half of the retirement savings and some cash to move onto her next victim. Which she wasted ZERO time doing BTW. I mean within less then three months she is now spending all her free time, plus entire weekends with this new guy.
One day we had a disagreement over her insistence I buy our one son a car. I simply said no which erupted into some blathering speech about how I just could not stand that “for once in my life I’m standing on my own two feet.” Did you ever see or hear something so incredible or horrible you simply blanked out? I was literally staggering over how out of touch this woman/child really is. Now she’s “standing on somebody else’s two feet.”
I feel a little sad for the schmuck…….but I’m very upset my wife introduced him to our boys over Christmas. From what I know he is divorced, has a high school age daughter and paying hellish alimony………..He is also a ladies man which should be interesting since the STBE has started taking her animals with her to his house over the weekends. A little too much too fast even if she claims to have known him for years (so she says). My STBE does not so much ask, as she imposes in this regard. I’m positive he must be saying “Well, if I really love her I’ll do this for her. Camel’s nose under someone else’s tent…….Just wait buddy………………………………..
Her and I text message. Or should I say she text’s me about silly day to day goings on with our 16 year old son, even though I’m well plugged into his school, friends and such. I never respond to her or even acknowledge her effort. Which she NEVER did before. No phone calls during the day, text, email…..zippo. Now she’s my pen pal?
In the last month as all this stuff was going on in her sick mind (introductions and such + SO much more) I flew to Vail for Christmas and New Year. Drove to Boston for a long weekend, and am now out in Vagas hacking around. She text me that she was glad I was moving on with my life (then added AGAIN) that she had moved on with hers.
She has not “moved on.” She has moved across town like a 14 year old girl trying to prove something to her parents. At least that’s how it appears.
Rip the bandaid off quickly.
I had to play “bat shit” and made it clear that I would rather burn through every dime rather then give her anything “for life.” My Attorney signed onto that and I was very happy the day she put my STBE back on her heels. My wife graduated college with highest honors as a biology teacher and never really bothered to even look for work. Her income was imputed as if she were working, and my child support went down. Meaning the message is she must find work. (I hope your all sitting down reading this part) She is now cleaning houses for cash rather then find work……She did this in high school + babysit. I kid you all not! Proof positive she does not like the serious responsibility of having to be somewhere at a certain time for a specific purpose.
In the end I gave her the house (debt free) half of the retirement savings and some cash to move onto her next victim. Which she wasted ZERO time doing BTW. I mean within less then three months she is now spending all her free time, plus entire weekends with this new guy.
One day we had a disagreement over her insistence I buy our one son a car. I simply said no which erupted into some blathering speech about how I just could not stand that “for once in my life I’m standing on my own two feet.” Did you ever see or hear something so incredible or horrible you simply blanked out? I was literally staggering over how out of touch this woman/child really is. Now she’s “standing on somebody else’s two feet.”
I feel a little sad for the schmuck…….but I’m very upset my wife introduced him to our boys over Christmas. From what I know he is divorced, has a high school age daughter and paying hellish alimony………..He is also a ladies man which should be interesting since the STBE has started taking her animals with her to his house over the weekends. A little too much too fast even if she claims to have known him for years (so she says). My STBE does not so much ask, as she imposes in this regard. I’m positive he must be saying “Well, if I really love her I’ll do this for her. Camel’s nose under someone else’s tent…….Just wait buddy………………………………..
Her and I text message. Or should I say she text’s me about silly day to day goings on with our 16 year old son, even though I’m well plugged into his school, friends and such. I never respond to her or even acknowledge her effort. Which she NEVER did before. No phone calls during the day, text, email…..zippo. Now she’s my pen pal?
In the last month as all this stuff was going on in her sick mind (introductions and such + SO much more) I flew to Vail for Christmas and New Year. Drove to Boston for a long weekend, and am now out in Vagas hacking around. She text me that she was glad I was moving on with my life (then added AGAIN) that she had moved on with hers.
She has not “moved on.” She has moved across town like a 14 year old girl trying to prove something to her parents. At least that’s how it appears.
Rip the bandaid off quickly.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Well, you found this site, but I’ll warn you. The more you read and post the worse you are going to feel at some point when reality kicks in and you and your wife have “the talk” on even ground after all the self awareness and soul searching you can muster rolls off your tongue.
In my case the term I used to describe our relationship was “we are very nice dead people.”
It was literally three days after that come to Jesus when I learned (from her) that she had, and was looking to rekindle a relationship she had with our tree service man 6 years before.
All the years of not working and driving me crazy was over because she was “done.” Meaning I was no longer buying into her madness, so a swift kick to the curb was now in the offing…………..We are literally days from finalizing the divorce and I can say I’m naturally not thrilled with what happened, but I refuse to let what she did and the term divorce define me as a person. Yes, I resent the result of all my struggle and probably always will (I feel set up), but there is just no way I can risk more of my health and wealth waiting for her to snap out of it. I feel I was waiting for something to happen that would make the reason I found this site and posted feel silly. Truth is that something did not exist and (sounds like a shallow throw away line) so I’m better off in the long term.
As a business person I looked at the mechanics of divorce as I would a bad business decision. I took my licks, and moved forward. A real woman/person does not behave like my STBEW and hopefully I have learned something from it. And no, I do not want to be considered her friend as she would like me to. THAT’S MY CHOICE.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The laws are NOT written with men in mind. If you think she’s entitled now, let her get a lawyer and then tell me how easy it is to bend over on their command. Men have ZERO choices. You feel frustrated and humiliated now? Just wait until they whip out a form and just do the math………10 + years? Alimony for life. Make $120K you pay $220/week child support. yadda yadda yadda………….They will want everything you made, what you make and anything else you will ever make…………get it?
If you marry badly you will pay for it financially and emotionally the rest of your GD life, into retirement, and then some.
Either put up with it, or get out. Simple.
If you marry badly you will pay for it financially and emotionally the rest of your GD life, into retirement, and then some.
Either put up with it, or get out. Simple.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Sunday, January 6, 2013
I’m in a bad place all. Seems the wife’s new boyfriend was introduced to my children while I escaped from her holiday “courtship dating.” Her words…..you can’t make this crap up people.
Took it upon herself to do that without a hint (no doubt spite for not hanging around for her head screw a rama if you ask me) THEN accuses me of doing some”thing” she feels is not consistant with the betterment of our children during our divorce. Reminding me along the way they “we don’t have to hate one another, and we can still celebrate birthdays together, go out to eat, and all the other fun family stuff she grew up fat dumb and happy on all these years on my dime.
Did I leave out her dropping her panties in the driveway after one of her “sleepover” weekends? Her new thing is that “she” does not want to have to hide and sneak around with this relationship…………….Oh how eff’ing mature she has become……
People……this is crazy time. Any observations, comments, one liners?
Took it upon herself to do that without a hint (no doubt spite for not hanging around for her head screw a rama if you ask me) THEN accuses me of doing some”thing” she feels is not consistant with the betterment of our children during our divorce. Reminding me along the way they “we don’t have to hate one another, and we can still celebrate birthdays together, go out to eat, and all the other fun family stuff she grew up fat dumb and happy on all these years on my dime.
Did I leave out her dropping her panties in the driveway after one of her “sleepover” weekends? Her new thing is that “she” does not want to have to hide and sneak around with this relationship…………….Oh how eff’ing mature she has become……
People……this is crazy time. Any observations, comments, one liners?
Thursday, January 3, 2013
You found this site like the rest of us did, and it was no accident. You are not happy, your wife refuses to help out and share duties with you, but at the same time you appear more willing to tell us how you feel.
After 21 years of the same BS, my wife decided that it was now her time to be happy in a relationship, so she went out and has one. Laughs right in my face with it because she says she has nothing to lose by moving on. Divorce laws in NJ USA are clear cut. Alimony for life for anyone married over 15 years, half of everything, and child support that in total will bankrupt you.
My advise? Get out now (Just walk) or figure out a way to live with it and make the best of it. Simple. Trying reason either way is a waste of time, and over 50% of marriages fail anyway. My advice? RUN
Oh, and all the advice you get her that gives you that “OMG” feeling. Forget it. It’s all good “free”theory. You and your wife need to work this stuff out now.
After 21 years of the same BS, my wife decided that it was now her time to be happy in a relationship, so she went out and has one. Laughs right in my face with it because she says she has nothing to lose by moving on. Divorce laws in NJ USA are clear cut. Alimony for life for anyone married over 15 years, half of everything, and child support that in total will bankrupt you.
My advise? Get out now (Just walk) or figure out a way to live with it and make the best of it. Simple. Trying reason either way is a waste of time, and over 50% of marriages fail anyway. My advice? RUN
Oh, and all the advice you get her that gives you that “OMG” feeling. Forget it. It’s all good “free”theory. You and your wife need to work this stuff out now.
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