It’s sad to read about your initial stages of this dilemma. You are articulating the earlier stages of this abusive entitlement mind set. My hope for you is that she discovers her own worth and can express her empowerment in a healthy way toward you. I made a mistake of calling my wife out to account for her unwillingness to tap into her vast source of unused income potential. She heard it as a threat and has acted accordingly since then. Meaning behaving as if doing so benefits me (personally) as some type of a favor, and not as a healthy enrichment of all of our lives.
I regret approaching her this way, and wish I could have done so while showing more dignity and maturity for my part. The temptation to freak out (after several years of asking, begging etc) is so strong. I wish I had taken more of the high road that has led me to where we are today. Two people not on the same page, angry and resentful (spiteful at times) over this very issue. It is an issue that touches on all the basic characteristics of a mature healthy relationship that enriches everyone.
It is often perverted into men being verbally abusive toward their spouse, unsupportive, cold, money hungry, selfish gorillas, when that is the furthest thing from the truth. Asking for something that meets your needs is not a crime or indication that we are needy and unworthy. Men are taught not to have feelings and needs. We “do” things and are expected of us to meet our spouses needs with a smile on our faces and joy in our hearts, and never question what doing so gives us as far as satisfaction.
In my case the very thought of asking for anything important to fulfilling my needs is automatically viewed by my wife, her family and friends as unacceptable and confirmation that she is trapped in a bad relationship. Again, if a woman leaves her husband, he is a bad guy. If a guy leaves his wife, it’s “a bad relationship.”

Me and my wife have probably had our last fight over this topic after all the years of pitch and toss. The ill feelings have finally led to my wife assessing her level of dissatisfaction in the relationship and asking me for a divorce. I’m both happy and sad thing could not have been worked out long ago.

My two cents are to stay above the fray. Stay in a good emotional place, don’t give in to fighting (it’s like quicksand. The more you struggle, the deeper you sink. Pointless!
If I had to do it again? I would have laid it out calmly and then proceed from that to outline concrete solutions. Least of which would have been a threat of divorce (tempting not to put out there out of pure frustration). No, I would have just put the checking account and credit cards in my name and kept looking forward while ignoring all the talk about economic or mental abuse. In short, I would have thrown a saddle on that horse from day one before societal and family dynamics solidified under my feet.

I wish you luck staying quiet, strong and focused. From where I stand today, we might of been divorced years ago before it got to this point. I would have rather known earlier before things got more legally binding and complicated. You will be sad either way if these issues are not settled. Tell her that you would like to have a conversation, and not the last word.

See what happens