Sounds like there are no children. Good for you is right. My wife (I've posted before) is into animal rescue BIG TIME. Both boys are in private school and she does her frugal game as cover while she does what she “wants.”
College coming? Kick that can down the road! ……..Her family tell me “You know her. Saving the world.” Last time I looked, we are all living on earth. If we were to reverse rolls, or if i went for broke, I would be institutionalized, medicated, and given extensive ECT……What would cause a college educated man to do that????  🙂
Marriage counseling. Individual counseling….on and on. Her therapist has loaded her up with all sorts of “coping skills” to blunt my frustration and keep her on her entitlement path she calls her “truth.” Any suggestions?

Hey. I always say that this type of charmed life is without a doubt a very envious position to be in. Sounds like you appreciate, to some degree, what it takes to “want” to go to work. “Want” meaning you want to eat, keep the lights on. Pay car insurance. gas, etc…..
You were fortunate to step in it. Good for you all. I imagine your husband appreciates the position you are all in which allows you the choices you seem to be enjoying.
I hope your good fortune enriches everyone’s life.
Not to be snarky, but I hope this will give you the opportunity to find something meaningful to do with your education, and MOST important, something you really like to do.

I hope your husband does not find this site to vent like the rest of us who just want some level of equality in our relationships. In many of the posts (you have read) you might want to consider how you felt going to a job you hated and having no practical or economic way to choose a different path.

In my life we currently do not need money. One of my issues is I did not promise, agree to buy or take care of everyone’s rose garden. If your husband is ok with it there is no problem, my wish for you is you don’t get bored and end up resenting him or accusing him for being controlling. I know very wealthy people who tell me the hardest work is getting up in the morning and finding meaning.

Wish you the best.

Thread On Women's Shelters

1. tomg says

   March 19, 2012 at 2:15 pm

   Last comment.
   Do the woman at the shelter you volunteer at work? What if any refuse to work or demonstrate a willingness to do so?
   It seems to me that men who want (insist) their partners work are portrayed as “abusive.” Do you see a lot of mentally scared woman who are verbally abused because they refuse to work?

   Just curious. I see woman’s shelters as a place where woman go who fear for their lives. Is that a stereotype on my part?

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   • Frances says

     March 19, 2012 at 2:54 pm

     All of the women who volunteer with me work. Most of them are from the neighborhood and barely makes ends meet, but still come there after doing a full week of work because they want to help the community. Most of them were in similar situations and managed to improve their lives.

     You can’t imagine the horrors I’ve seen there. These aren’t spoiled upper middle class housewives who complain about their “abusive” husbands forcing them to get a job and be useful to society. I’ve seem women who have third degree burns on their faces because their partners threw hot oil on them in a fit of rage. I’ve seen women who have been beaten so badly they have to get reconstructive surgery. I’ve also seen children (including infants) who have been given similar treatment. A few years ago a woman in another part of the city was set on fire by her partner until she burned to death in the middle of the street.

     The vast majority of the women who come to the shelter I volunteer at also work. In that area working isn’t a choice. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a rough neighborhood and I had a shitty childhood, but I can’t imagine sitting around and expecting a man to care for you without any effort on my part. So no, you’re opinions about women’s shelters are 100% correct. If a woman like your wife tried to get “help” for her “situation” in the system she would be laughed out of the building.

     My advice to you is to leave this woman, even if it’s costly, because it’s costing you more right now emotionally. Find a woman who cares enough about a relationship with you to want to bring something to the table, or better yet, find a woman who has enough self respect to want to be more than a wife and SAHM forever. I know as a feminist I’m not supposed to judge other women who choose that path, but OI can’t help it, I do I judge them hard.

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2. tomg says

   March 19, 2012 at 4:48 pm

   It’s amazing to me that my wife would even suggest abuse (verbal abuse) when all I wanted was for her to do what ALL the woman I work with do which is contribute to our family. The excuse THEN was she said she would then be responsible for everything. Meaning earning a living and taking 100% of the rearing. I always considered that her way of excluding me.
   Worst yet. Work 50+ hours a week and cook and clean. I CLEAN TOILETS. I DO WASH. + I pay ALL THE BILLS while the $175/ week she made baby sitting a neighbors child (while both their parents worked) went into HER bank account.
   The opportunity cost to me was overwhelming. i could not fund my 401K because I simply needed the cash to live on. The vast untapped resource has been without question…..just NUTS!
   Am I angry? YES. Have i said things i regret? YES. However, I’ve done everything i was supposed to do FOR YEARS and have taken nothing but flack for it. From her, her family and friends. The therapist I am seeing says everything everyone has suggested….get a lawyer and protect yourself.
   I’m still in love with the idea of being in love. She distances herself from me to become “her own person.” “To live her truth.” Truth? I know plenty of truthful people who are complete BAT SHIT! This is Oprah skull f’ing and magazine, bumper sticker logic…..

   I’ve also known woman with broken jaws, noses, teeth. i called the police one day on the boyfriend of one of my employees who was battered and being stalked right outside our office.

   I never promised, bought or agreed to take care of anyone’s rose garden.

I have told her in just such terms the same thing. It’s disgraceful and abusive not only to me, but our family. Especially in a time of crisis.
She has made it known (I’ve seen this before) she is hauling out her resume box of information which has literally been collecting dust in our attic. She is applying for state jobs that have nothing whatsoever to do with her education. From what I gather these are postings for internal jobs which by State regulation they must post. NOBODY is hiring new employees in the private sector. As far as public jobs and teachers (she is a trained science teacher) they are laying them off left and right for budget reasons.
My position is to just stand still and take care of the only two people in our home who get up every day and do what we are supposed to do. I am so angry and have been for years, but raging about it only feeds into her apathy.
She goes to a therapist who I suspect has diagnosed me as a whack job. An angry abusive man a la Oprah re runs. The deck is stacked, so standing still shines the light back on her behavior. She is such a nice pleasing person from the outside (she’s a great Mom, but simply structured our boys activities to the point of OCD) Uber Mom.
I get what she is about, and even if the world does not see it, that’s ok.
She has issues that were there WAY before me. It’s heart breaking to me that she shows all this attention and love outward, but simply treats me like shit.
I feel most comfortable doing other things, and (God help me) I don’t do things for her that I take joy in. I just won’t let her manipulate me through her abusive passive aggressive behavior.
I’m so sad.

A counselor I am seeing put it this way. She had these problems WAY before she met you. My biggest problem DAY ONE was her lack of drive to work. Lack of drive to even look for a job.
Then to have all my hard work literally thrown back in my face…….How am I coping lately? I just refuse to engage. I tell her “I” don’t have cash lying around to do this, or that. Then I drop it. Hard for me to do, but in many ways empowering because I think it obvious what the result would be if she crossed that line.

My friends call me St. Thomas. I have recently reached out to many of my old friends and I don’t think she’s so keen on that. Too f’ing bad!
My family; unlike hers, support but don’t butt in. Everyone suggests I leave, I’m thinking of maybe renting a house at the shore for a few weeks if the situation with my son blows apart again.

It’s no way to live, but I am building a support system back around me so I feel comfortable. People I trust. I made her family mine, and they have all stabbed me in the back. Blood is thicker, but I really have zero use for any of them. In fact, none of them are too high on work. They come from the school of “the money always comes” groups. They have actually told me this. I worry too much about money. What a laugh! Somebody has to……..
Imagine. A 46 year old woman with a college degree with one boy away from home and the other a Jr. in HS rescuing animals all weeks and double time on weekends……I would be committed……
Life is not fair, but I’m through letting her family or her rent space in my head. I do what I have to do to get what we need. If she has an easier way to do that, she could have said so years ago.

You don’t hate your wife. You resent her. Much more corrosive over time. It hurts. Its demoralizing. It makes your life a prison……….

I get it. Hang in there. Opportunities will present themselves to have peace of mind and emotional safety.

Grateful
Don’t want to sound too self serving, but I read that you are examining your role within your family as financially responsible to your families well being and security by not delegating that task to your husband. Hopefully he shares in everything else concerning your children, house chores, etc….

I’ve come to the conclusion (many actually) that I never promised, bought,agreed to take care of, water or weed anyone’s rose garden. Family is serious and difficult and a team effort. It’s a breeding ground for resentment, anger, anxiety, depression and fear.

It’s nice hearing from you. It assures me that there are mature mates out there. Thank You!