Hi Again
Talk about depression………….I had some time yesterday and went on an Ophra like web site for woman. The subject is the opposite of this site.
The stories were incredibly similar, except for the FACT that the men they were writing about were catagorized as being significantly mentally ill, or outcasts from society.
One woman went on and on about being tired of work, even though she admitted her hubby was a great Dad. Called him selfish, childish and a loafer. In short, there is a common thread across gender lines. It occured to me that if both partners “shared” we might actually have more quality time together rather then one partner being bone tired or resentful to the point of shutting down.
It does not follow that so called liberated woman, by virtue of finding their personal ‘truth” or some other arcaine “I am woman hear me roar” suppressed anger get to make all the choices. Especially when it is clear society and laws favor woman’s right to do so. At worst, certain woman (entitled out the wazzoo) force the issue without too much public stigma on their part. In fact, nobody gives a rusty (you know what) that men suffer the same way these woman do becasue that is just how it is, or should be.
In my case, if I quit my job or was suddenly unemployed, did not seek new employment on any meaningful level, and then decided to devote 75% of my time doing animal rescue (on my wife’s dime) I would be heavily medicated and purhaps institutionalized without a moments debate as to why. Truth of the matter. I would almost expect to end up in the Ha Ha Hotel trying to bite off my own left ear………….In society these men are pathetic paracites, and these woman are given a free pass. AND, if a man truly objects, a judge will guaranty these woman an income stream to keep up their good work. The deck is stacked, the game rigged and the house ALWAYS wins!
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Thursday, July 5, 2012
Yes, it is a bad for all gender children to see what entitlement looks like. In my world the sad part is my wife has a billion ideas for our boys to find employment, and nags them to no end to work work work…..Makes me want to puke becasue of the “do as I say and not what I do” insanity.
If I dare go there and bring this up (even in an email, or a whisper) I am verbally abusive. It’s a complete no win with this emotional cripple. If i engage, it’s a bad thing. If I don’t she one ups and totally shuts down (with one eye over her shoulder watching my reactions). I think they call that emotional blackmail…..Maybe? Maybe not?
Again, she comes off like the nicest open and hard working person on the planet. Example: I stopped by the animal shelter she “works” at and a few of her co- “workers” needed to bring to my attention how hard she works…………….How fantastic is with cleaning and organizing. Again, I took it in stride and at the same time boiled over that this nonsense purely enriches her life and NOBODY elses. In other words, we should all be happy becasue she is.
I better not get going this morning. The 4th weekend was a total bust for me and I’m trying not to let it spill over into the day.
If I dare go there and bring this up (even in an email, or a whisper) I am verbally abusive. It’s a complete no win with this emotional cripple. If i engage, it’s a bad thing. If I don’t she one ups and totally shuts down (with one eye over her shoulder watching my reactions). I think they call that emotional blackmail…..Maybe? Maybe not?
Again, she comes off like the nicest open and hard working person on the planet. Example: I stopped by the animal shelter she “works” at and a few of her co- “workers” needed to bring to my attention how hard she works…………….How fantastic is with cleaning and organizing. Again, I took it in stride and at the same time boiled over that this nonsense purely enriches her life and NOBODY elses. In other words, we should all be happy becasue she is.
I better not get going this morning. The 4th weekend was a total bust for me and I’m trying not to let it spill over into the day.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
Thanks
That thought is very real. Frankly, I think it is also my wife’s plan as well. I don’t feel the love……I listen to all the Oprah top ten reasons, including verbal abuse (I guess explaining the facts of life is too much for her to process without getting uncomfortible).
I’m not present for my family. (this hurts the most…..I do what I am supposed to do and then must be responsible for everyone’s emotional needs as well?) You hit the nail on the head with your experience with your Mom. She is just out of touch and even a discussion on our goals and plans makes me feel unbalanced. She has no problems asking me what I am doing, and why. Yet when I inquire, I get answers such as “It’s none of your business….” Or worse, she says NOTHING.
Calling in an air strike on myself? You bet, but that is just part of our laws and culture. However, most of the people like me who moved on, all tell me the financial hits have been huge and the ongoing alimoney painful and unfair, but in the rear view mirror, was nessasary and worth it.
Every single counselor I or we have both seen together and alone agree that I have a hangup moving on and (as you said about your Mom) have childhood issues behind there embarrassingly and shameful behavior. He Dad died when she was 4 or 5 and that has SO messed up some of the children in that family. Her Mom had no Dad. Her Grandmother had no Dad….I’m 7 years older then my Wife….Ding Ding Ding…..I had a stable job and a bright future.
I’m getting upset rehasing, so I’ll just leave it alone. I am SO unhappy and uncomfortible being in my own home. I literally can’t stay too long in the same room, unless I engage her in conversation her cat business. then she lights up like a fire fly…..It’s pathetic!
That thought is very real. Frankly, I think it is also my wife’s plan as well. I don’t feel the love……I listen to all the Oprah top ten reasons, including verbal abuse (I guess explaining the facts of life is too much for her to process without getting uncomfortible).
I’m not present for my family. (this hurts the most…..I do what I am supposed to do and then must be responsible for everyone’s emotional needs as well?) You hit the nail on the head with your experience with your Mom. She is just out of touch and even a discussion on our goals and plans makes me feel unbalanced. She has no problems asking me what I am doing, and why. Yet when I inquire, I get answers such as “It’s none of your business….” Or worse, she says NOTHING.
Calling in an air strike on myself? You bet, but that is just part of our laws and culture. However, most of the people like me who moved on, all tell me the financial hits have been huge and the ongoing alimoney painful and unfair, but in the rear view mirror, was nessasary and worth it.
Every single counselor I or we have both seen together and alone agree that I have a hangup moving on and (as you said about your Mom) have childhood issues behind there embarrassingly and shameful behavior. He Dad died when she was 4 or 5 and that has SO messed up some of the children in that family. Her Mom had no Dad. Her Grandmother had no Dad….I’m 7 years older then my Wife….Ding Ding Ding…..I had a stable job and a bright future.
I’m getting upset rehasing, so I’ll just leave it alone. I am SO unhappy and uncomfortible being in my own home. I literally can’t stay too long in the same room, unless I engage her in conversation her cat business. then she lights up like a fire fly…..It’s pathetic!
Mary
Thanks again. Yes, the animals rank, but she is used to commanding situations as did her Mom when she was growing up. Our two boys are a year apart, so on a Saturday morning they sometimes got themselves some cereal and watched a few shows while she nagged in the background to vaccume the house. Dust. Take out the trash, etc etc…
Since the boys really didn’t want to do it when she wanted to do it, the way she wanted it done, all hell would occasionally break lose and since they listened to me she would whip everyone into her act. Sometimes it would go on all day….I didn’t appreciate it, and i was damn to hell for not cracking the whip. it was like just one more example of what a failure I am as a Dad. A Dad she never had…..it’s complicated.
However, when she wanted something, the tone changed.
I feel like I’m more tolerated than appreciated. I still can’t fully explain the feelings.
Our oldest got caught up (got himself caught up) in drugs, dealing….all that crap. She basically put a gun to my head and with the help of her therapist, devised a plan to whip me into submission (shame on me for not taking that opportunity to open the door for her).
Short end. I spent $150 k on a wilderness program and a boarding school which I said before, during and after was going to be a farce and would result in him returning to our house and picking up where he left off. BINGO! I was right on all counts. However, he now beleives he is entitled to a four year college to “maybe” study history. His reasoning is teaches get the summers off and can retire after 20 years…………….So, his world view is he starts out at the end…..I wonder where he picked all that up? So, I have dug my heels in and keep reminding EVERYONE that I have reponsibility to our youngest son and protect him from drug dealing and all the other nonsense + protect myself. it’s up to the other two to get in the boat or not, and to row.
I’m in a place where it is really make or break. She can’t threaten me again. She can go if she pleases, but another part of my not engaging has to do with “vindictive and manipulative, spoiled woman 101” meaning phony restraining orders and such.
What a way to live….Right? BTW. The oldest who has all his issues, blames me for all of it. Flat out told me i was not a good Dad and that i didn’t meet his needs……Do I need say more? Where did he get that? Two boys, one year apart. Same parents. Same house….all of it, yet the youngest and i have a good relationship. We are not best buddies, but we have healthy respectful boundries and can actually communicate with one another without, guilt or shame. He actually opened my eyes to the fact that I am not the devil and I am always interested in what he has to say. he’s the only one who asks me how i am. If I feel ok (I have a seizure disorder) or that i should rest becasue i look tired…..etc. he gets right in when I can’t walk so well. Our Jack Russel sits on me if I’m about to have a seizure, and my son gets me a pillow or glass of water. So, I do mean something to some people – even our dog.
Your Mom sounds like my wife. She can’t help rescue cats. Rather she thinks she is the only one on the planet who can do it right, so in her world there is “no cat left behind.” Her family (no exceptions) are all compulsive ADHD to the max. Brother likes fishing, and now has a collection of tackle that literally rivels any tackle store i have ever seen. Only the very best of the best of equipment…..It’s creepy and completely out of balance.
He talks everyone into going fishing with him, and after about three times it dawned on me that all we were doing was watch him fish and talk about his equipment.
My point is your Mom sounds like she lives in her on little world and won’t let anyone in (too closely). yep! Church people, freinds….everyone loves her. Always smiling and talking to them (mostly about animals) then we drive home and she stares out the passenger window.
I ask her why she’s cold or detached and she jumps all over me about some long winded belief (al la her therapist) that nobody can make another person happy or sad, yadda yadda…..Actually its repressed anger and it does affect me and my feelings.
I three years my boys should be out on their own. being around her and those animals is just not in my cards.
I know it and hear what you said about your Dad loud and clear.
Thanks
Thanks again. Yes, the animals rank, but she is used to commanding situations as did her Mom when she was growing up. Our two boys are a year apart, so on a Saturday morning they sometimes got themselves some cereal and watched a few shows while she nagged in the background to vaccume the house. Dust. Take out the trash, etc etc…
Since the boys really didn’t want to do it when she wanted to do it, the way she wanted it done, all hell would occasionally break lose and since they listened to me she would whip everyone into her act. Sometimes it would go on all day….I didn’t appreciate it, and i was damn to hell for not cracking the whip. it was like just one more example of what a failure I am as a Dad. A Dad she never had…..it’s complicated.
However, when she wanted something, the tone changed.
I feel like I’m more tolerated than appreciated. I still can’t fully explain the feelings.
Our oldest got caught up (got himself caught up) in drugs, dealing….all that crap. She basically put a gun to my head and with the help of her therapist, devised a plan to whip me into submission (shame on me for not taking that opportunity to open the door for her).
Short end. I spent $150 k on a wilderness program and a boarding school which I said before, during and after was going to be a farce and would result in him returning to our house and picking up where he left off. BINGO! I was right on all counts. However, he now beleives he is entitled to a four year college to “maybe” study history. His reasoning is teaches get the summers off and can retire after 20 years…………….So, his world view is he starts out at the end…..I wonder where he picked all that up? So, I have dug my heels in and keep reminding EVERYONE that I have reponsibility to our youngest son and protect him from drug dealing and all the other nonsense + protect myself. it’s up to the other two to get in the boat or not, and to row.
I’m in a place where it is really make or break. She can’t threaten me again. She can go if she pleases, but another part of my not engaging has to do with “vindictive and manipulative, spoiled woman 101” meaning phony restraining orders and such.
What a way to live….Right? BTW. The oldest who has all his issues, blames me for all of it. Flat out told me i was not a good Dad and that i didn’t meet his needs……Do I need say more? Where did he get that? Two boys, one year apart. Same parents. Same house….all of it, yet the youngest and i have a good relationship. We are not best buddies, but we have healthy respectful boundries and can actually communicate with one another without, guilt or shame. He actually opened my eyes to the fact that I am not the devil and I am always interested in what he has to say. he’s the only one who asks me how i am. If I feel ok (I have a seizure disorder) or that i should rest becasue i look tired…..etc. he gets right in when I can’t walk so well. Our Jack Russel sits on me if I’m about to have a seizure, and my son gets me a pillow or glass of water. So, I do mean something to some people – even our dog.
Your Mom sounds like my wife. She can’t help rescue cats. Rather she thinks she is the only one on the planet who can do it right, so in her world there is “no cat left behind.” Her family (no exceptions) are all compulsive ADHD to the max. Brother likes fishing, and now has a collection of tackle that literally rivels any tackle store i have ever seen. Only the very best of the best of equipment…..It’s creepy and completely out of balance.
He talks everyone into going fishing with him, and after about three times it dawned on me that all we were doing was watch him fish and talk about his equipment.
My point is your Mom sounds like she lives in her on little world and won’t let anyone in (too closely). yep! Church people, freinds….everyone loves her. Always smiling and talking to them (mostly about animals) then we drive home and she stares out the passenger window.
I ask her why she’s cold or detached and she jumps all over me about some long winded belief (al la her therapist) that nobody can make another person happy or sad, yadda yadda…..Actually its repressed anger and it does affect me and my feelings.
I three years my boys should be out on their own. being around her and those animals is just not in my cards.
I know it and hear what you said about your Dad loud and clear.
Thanks
Monday, July 2, 2012
Hi Mary
Nice to hear from a woman who seems to have her priorities in order. I feel pretty cheated that I married a person who I thought was going to build a life with me and not totally change in ways I never saw coming.
Needy? Childhood? OMG! You have no idea…………..There were signs, but not for one moment did I imagine I would be as unhappy as I am today.
I’m almost done trying to fix things or figure somebody out from the point of view of a therapist. We all have issues, it’s just a matter of what degree we express them.
I’ve got a good job as far as money goes, and i have made a lot of very good (lucky) decisions that have put our family on a comforible path. Truth is, I wanted to ditch my career in hopes that it would somehow make us closer. No other way to express this. I am just uncomfortible around my wife and our oldest son who are both expert at blaming others for their problems or challenges. Our youngest son gets up every day as do I, and we do what we are supposed to do. The other two save cats full time, and the other sells and smokes pot or spends so much energy thinking of ways to get high, or get over on people.
It’s never been part of my values and when I heard the nickle drop years ago I was right to question why i would stay in such and unhealthy relationship with essentially a child.
Trust me, she comes off like a baby seal on the ice to get what she wants, only now she is openly hostile toward me and feels pretty empowered doing that. It’s like payback for being a victim of my own success.
I’m just in a dead zone.
I am glad you wrote, and actually you give me hope.
Regards,
Tom
Nice to hear from a woman who seems to have her priorities in order. I feel pretty cheated that I married a person who I thought was going to build a life with me and not totally change in ways I never saw coming.
Needy? Childhood? OMG! You have no idea…………..There were signs, but not for one moment did I imagine I would be as unhappy as I am today.
I’m almost done trying to fix things or figure somebody out from the point of view of a therapist. We all have issues, it’s just a matter of what degree we express them.
I’ve got a good job as far as money goes, and i have made a lot of very good (lucky) decisions that have put our family on a comforible path. Truth is, I wanted to ditch my career in hopes that it would somehow make us closer. No other way to express this. I am just uncomfortible around my wife and our oldest son who are both expert at blaming others for their problems or challenges. Our youngest son gets up every day as do I, and we do what we are supposed to do. The other two save cats full time, and the other sells and smokes pot or spends so much energy thinking of ways to get high, or get over on people.
It’s never been part of my values and when I heard the nickle drop years ago I was right to question why i would stay in such and unhealthy relationship with essentially a child.
Trust me, she comes off like a baby seal on the ice to get what she wants, only now she is openly hostile toward me and feels pretty empowered doing that. It’s like payback for being a victim of my own success.
I’m just in a dead zone.
I am glad you wrote, and actually you give me hope.
Regards,
Tom
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