This is Tom G's story I found through the comments reading the blog shrink4men.com.
Monday, March 19, 2012
Thread On Women's Shelters
tomgsays
Last comment. Do the woman at the shelter you volunteer at work? What if any refuse to work or demonstrate a willingness to do so? It seems to me that men who want (insist) their partners work are portrayed as “abusive.” Do you see a lot of mentally scared woman who are verbally abused because they refuse to work?
Just curious. I see woman’s shelters as a place where woman go who fear for their lives. Is that a stereotype on my part?
All of the women who volunteer with me work. Most of them are from the neighborhood and barely makes ends meet, but still come there after doing a full week of work because they want to help the community. Most of them were in similar situations and managed to improve their lives.
You can’t imagine the horrors I’ve seen there. These aren’t spoiled upper middle class housewives who complain about their “abusive” husbands forcing them to get a job and be useful to society. I’ve seem women who have third degree burns on their faces because their partners threw hot oil on them in a fit of rage. I’ve seen women who have been beaten so badly they have to get reconstructive surgery. I’ve also seen children (including infants) who have been given similar treatment. A few years ago a woman in another part of the city was set on fire by her partner until she burned to death in the middle of the street.
The vast majority of the women who come to the shelter I volunteer at also work. In that area working isn’t a choice. Maybe it’s because I grew up in a rough neighborhood and I had a shitty childhood, but I can’t imagine sitting around and expecting a man to care for you without any effort on my part. So no, you’re opinions about women’s shelters are 100% correct. If a woman like your wife tried to get “help” for her “situation” in the system she would be laughed out of the building.
My advice to you is to leave this woman, even if it’s costly, because it’s costing you more right now emotionally. Find a woman who cares enough about a relationship with you to want to bring something to the table, or better yet, find a woman who has enough self respect to want to be more than a wife and SAHM forever. I know as a feminist I’m not supposed to judge other women who choose that path, but OI can’t help it, I do I judge them hard.
It’s amazing to me that my wife would even suggest abuse (verbal abuse) when all I wanted was for her to do what ALL the woman I work with do which is contribute to our family. The excuse THEN was she said she would then be responsible for everything. Meaning earning a living and taking 100% of the rearing. I always considered that her way of excluding me. Worst yet. Work 50+ hours a week and cook and clean. I CLEAN TOILETS. I DO WASH. + I pay ALL THE BILLS while the $175/ week she made baby sitting a neighbors child (while both their parents worked) went into HER bank account. The opportunity cost to me was overwhelming. i could not fund my 401K because I simply needed the cash to live on. The vast untapped resource has been without question…..just NUTS! Am I angry? YES. Have i said things i regret? YES. However, I’ve done everything i was supposed to do FOR YEARS and have taken nothing but flack for it. From her, her family and friends. The therapist I am seeing says everything everyone has suggested….get a lawyer and protect yourself. I’m still in love with the idea of being in love. She distances herself from me to become “her own person.” “To live her truth.” Truth? I know plenty of truthful people who are complete BAT SHIT! This is Oprah skull f’ing and magazine, bumper sticker logic…..
I’ve also known woman with broken jaws, noses, teeth. i called the police one day on the boyfriend of one of my employees who was battered and being stalked right outside our office.
I never promised, bought or agreed to take care of anyone’s rose garden.
Do the woman at the shelter you volunteer at work? What if any refuse to work or demonstrate a willingness to do so?
It seems to me that men who want (insist) their partners work are portrayed as “abusive.” Do you see a lot of mentally scared woman who are verbally abused because they refuse to work?
Worst yet. Work 50+ hours a week and cook and clean. I CLEAN TOILETS. I DO WASH. + I pay ALL THE BILLS while the $175/ week she made baby sitting a neighbors child (while both their parents worked) went into HER bank account.
The opportunity cost to me was overwhelming. i could not fund my 401K because I simply needed the cash to live on. The vast untapped resource has been without question…..just NUTS!
Am I angry? YES. Have i said things i regret? YES. However, I’ve done everything i was supposed to do FOR YEARS and have taken nothing but flack for it. From her, her family and friends. The therapist I am seeing says everything everyone has suggested….get a lawyer and protect yourself.
I’m still in love with the idea of being in love. She distances herself from me to become “her own person.” “To live her truth.” Truth? I know plenty of truthful people who are complete BAT SHIT! This is Oprah skull f’ing and magazine, bumper sticker logic…..