Mary

Thanks again. Yes, the animals rank, but she is used to commanding situations as did her Mom when she was growing up. Our two boys are a year apart, so on a Saturday morning they sometimes got themselves some cereal and watched a few shows while she nagged in the background to vaccume the house. Dust. Take out the trash, etc etc…
Since the boys really didn’t want to do it when she wanted to do it, the way she wanted it done, all hell would occasionally break lose and since they listened to me she would whip everyone into her act. Sometimes it would go on all day….I didn’t appreciate it, and i was damn to hell for not cracking the whip. it was like just one more example of what a failure I am as a Dad. A Dad she never had…..it’s complicated.
However, when she wanted something, the tone changed.

I feel like I’m more tolerated than appreciated. I still can’t fully explain the feelings.

Our oldest got caught up (got himself caught up) in drugs, dealing….all that crap. She basically put a gun to my head and with the help of her therapist, devised a plan to whip me into submission (shame on me for not taking that opportunity to open the door for her).

Short end. I spent $150 k on a wilderness program and a boarding school which I said before, during and after was going to be a farce and would result in him returning to our house and picking up where he left off. BINGO! I was right on all counts. However, he now beleives he is entitled to a four year college to “maybe” study history. His reasoning is teaches get the summers off and can retire after 20 years…………….So, his world view is he starts out at the end…..I wonder where he picked all that up? So, I have dug my heels in and keep reminding EVERYONE that I have reponsibility to our youngest son and protect him from drug dealing and all the other nonsense + protect myself. it’s up to the other two to get in the boat or not, and to row.

I’m in a place where it is really make or break. She can’t threaten me again. She can go if she pleases, but another part of my not engaging has to do with “vindictive and manipulative, spoiled woman 101” meaning phony restraining orders and such.

What a way to live….Right? BTW. The oldest who has all his issues, blames me for all of it. Flat out told me i was not a good Dad and that i didn’t meet his needs……Do I need say more? Where did he get that? Two boys, one year apart. Same parents. Same house….all of it, yet the youngest and i have a good relationship. We are not best buddies, but we have healthy respectful boundries and can actually communicate with one another without, guilt or shame. He actually opened my eyes to the fact that I am not the devil and I am always interested in what he has to say. he’s the only one who asks me how i am. If I feel ok (I have a seizure disorder) or that i should rest becasue i look tired…..etc. he gets right in when I can’t walk so well. Our Jack Russel sits on me if I’m about to have a seizure, and my son gets me a pillow or glass of water. So, I do mean something to some people – even our dog.

Your Mom sounds like my wife. She can’t help rescue cats. Rather she thinks she is the only one on the planet who can do it right, so in her world there is “no cat left behind.” Her family (no exceptions) are all compulsive ADHD to the max. Brother likes fishing, and now has a collection of tackle that literally rivels any tackle store i have ever seen. Only the very best of the best of equipment…..It’s creepy and completely out of balance.
He talks everyone into going fishing with him, and after about three times it dawned on me that all we were doing was watch him fish and talk about his equipment.

My point is your Mom sounds like she lives in her on little world and won’t let anyone in (too closely). yep! Church people, freinds….everyone loves her. Always smiling and talking to them (mostly about animals) then we drive home and she stares out the passenger window.

I ask her why she’s cold or detached and she jumps all over me about some long winded belief (al la her therapist) that nobody can make another person happy or sad, yadda yadda…..Actually its repressed anger and it does affect me and my feelings.

I three years my boys should be out on their own. being around her and those animals is just not in my cards.

I know it and hear what you said about your Dad loud and clear.

Thanks