Too funny. I’m laughing with you BTW.
I hear you loud and clear. I’ve given up on asking, telling, yelling….all of it.
In my case my wife proclaims not to need me or anyone else.
So when the voice in her head changes to a kind, supportive and emotionally engaged partner, I know what’s next since the day before she has made plans with her family about vacations, etc……my answer (served up cold) is “You don’t need my permission.”
The first time I said that to her, her facial expression went blank and her head cocked to one side like a dog hearing a strange new sound. Then I said I wish i could go, but “we” simply don’t have that kind of cash to spend at the moment. It was priceless when she actually took money out of “her” account and paid for the trip.
Making plans without me cost her some serious $’s. Her choices, her dime. Again, she doesn’t need anybody.

SAHM’s can, from what I can see outside of their closed doors, to take their responsibilities very seriously. No doubt about it, but there are men who make that all happen as providers who stay to themselves and still feel like furniture.
My question would be why a person with your pretty together life, be reading our pathetic post or on this web site at all?

Regards

You sound like you have your priorities in order. My wife home schooled our youngest and that worked out well, and like you exposed them to different structured activities (some they liked, others not, but at least they were exposed to them). My line of work is stressful, and during the years when things were very lean I could not make many mistakes – thus more time making myself indespensible (sp).
I never promised a rose garden. Your husband sounds like he is a good provider and not in need of additional resources to allow your children all this enrichment. I did the best i could, and since my wife has a very short memory, my recent success has exposed me to open blame that I was not emotionally there for them all. Duh…..I was working while she enriched our son’s lives. Why now the persecution by her and her whole family/ Our oldest son is in trouble and required us to remove him from our home (by force) into a wilderness/boarding school program that has stretched our financies to the limit. Youngest is 16 and oldest 18.

6 years ago I developed seizures which makes commuting by car two hours a day sometime life threatening for myself and the others on the road. She did not skip a beat and three years ago started in a huge way to rescue animals. BTW: we had at one point 60 (yes 60) cats at our home which required her full time. it’s not a question of me providing a living for the family, it became supporting (her words) her hobby. So, our family took a back seat while she did what she “wanted.” In the meantime I fell into her guilt trip and beleived I was in fact an absentee father. She continually told me that everything was about me and that I really didn’t care about their emotional wellbeing. THEN, I heard the nickel drop……All about me? The animal rescue “hobby” does NOTHING to enrich our family and is in fact all about her. She sought counseling to “cope” with her emotions, and now she is a very distant, and self assured assertive person who does not give a rusty “F” what my feelings are. Ah….psycotherapy and “O” Magazine…….Men will always come up way short on expressing our feelings. In fact, it is best if we have none. Go to work. Smile and bury emotions so deep……it’s that easy. No problems.

You sound like a very together person, and i am as sure as i can be about anything you would do whatever you could to help your husband to assure the stress of his health issues and anxiety were addressed. I also hear that you love your husband. I’ll leave you with that.

I’m happy you wrote back. Be well

Show and need. Emotionally unconnected to the world, which the last time I took noticed had our house connected to it. I work full time and provide everything, even when things were so tight it seemed impossible. Yet, it is me who is emotionally unavailble to my family. That frigging hurts the worst. She is off at the zoo, pumpkin picking, going to the beach with our boys while I did what I was supposed to do. Let’s just say she kept me at arms length (I feels that way).

She has always loved animals, or has needed to love animals. We all like to do things and find some connection with people doing so. The vast majority of the woman she pals around with rescuing cats are divorced and many look like abused animals themselves. The laugh of it is she thinks most of them are crazy people. She’s unhappy I can’t be who she wants, so she writes early on in or marriage (manybe 2 years) while we were on vacation that she wanted to throw a glass of wine in my face and end it then.In that situation I recollect I was recovering from food posioning, had worked all day, drove all the way (6 hours) to Cape Cod in traffic while stopping every 50 miles to crap my guts out. I was not talkative enough???????
What was I? Captain Stubing on the Love Boat? Give me a break……..
We all have our story lines and I am FAR from perfect, but I should have never accepted or took seriously her proposal to get married. On reflection, it was probably a manic moment for her and the see saw has gone on for 21 years.

I will have peace, and beleive it or not, I’m getting closer to the door.

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Perfect-Times-to-Tell-the-Truth-When-to-Tell-the-Truth/1

This is what woman really think? Can anyone seriously beleive any of this makes sense? I like the part about her husband being a lout and out of work too much.
It’s rigged for men. A no win….

I’m so sorry. It’s what Husbands and Fathers are put on earth to do I guess. I’ve explained in previous posts that our son has been in rehab. He finally received his HS diploma and my wife is pushing him to apply to 4 year colleges. I have my values and a boy who did and sold drugs, failed HS, and had a gun in my house does not change his stripes in 8 months….so, as I said from day one. He is now back home and fully expecting us (me) to underwrite a $37 K/ year college in Arizona because he has a pulse. think of it. A young man with substance abuse and behavior problems goes away to live on campus…..I don’t even have to imagine that outcome. I put it this way (I say almost nothing anymore. I refuse to engage) that everyone should have an education, but nobody is entitled to one.
Of the four people in our home, two people do not work, and two get up EVERY day and do what we are supposed to do. Me and our youngest son. Again, I made it clear (in the most constructive and calm way I could) I will do whatever it takes to protect him and me.
There are two others who have the untapped capacity to make all their dreams come true, but have chosen impose their “wants” onto the other two.

I get it. The writing is on the wall. When it comes to the 11th hour (that is the pathology in our family. My wife refuses to engage until the last second and then threatens in the most passive aggressive way possible) to get her way. Whether it be, blame, shame or guilt. PLUS, I have her family pouring on at the same time, but unwilling to pass the hat.

It is coming to critical mass very quickly, and i full anticipate ,and preparing for your same fate. She will get her way through the bias legal system, continue to rescue cats full time, and life goes on. Simple!

I feel your pain and have withdrawn totally from her physically and emotionally. If she “goes there’ I listen empathetically, while being totally unhelpful. I’ve read all the woman self help books on what to do before you file for divorce. Oprah has now turned into a good source into the window of what the world is regarding legal and social landmines of how men are played like base fiddles. The articles and radio shows from “O” magazine explain how hilarious that process can be for woman under the odd idea that this is how woman can “empower” themselves and unapologetically shed the abuse of men who have the Gaul to question what they are getting out of the relationship. Men getting angry about being treated as an ATM and an emotional piece of future… who would have thought?

I once asked my wife that is she woke up tomorrow in her “perfect world” what that would look like? She had zero answer, however i suspect nothing much would change except having to deal with me on any level and having unlimited leverage.

Your post is heartbreaking, and I can see the future.