http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Relationship-Advice-How-to-Handle-a-Breakup/2

I can’t get enough of reading this abuse. So sad!

Frances

It would not be totally self serving of me to thank you for a voice from the real world. Sharing in a marriage or relationship was what I bought into. A busy and wildly succesful college student and a husband moving up slowly but steadly in the business world.
Much celebrating at graduation with high honors. Proud and ready to step ahead…….Crickets………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………Fast forward a year………………….A child………………………………………………..fast forward two years another healthy child……………………Fast forward 15 years…………. two healthy young men 18 and 16 and a wife who rescues animals all the live long day. One income. A paid off house. No debt and a husband who is mentally toast and has health issues. A wife who cries about feeling lonely. In-laws who despise me for not doing more for MY BOYS.

I’m glad to have met you on this site. You give me hope I have not gone completely insane.

Just an update. In keeping with the spirit of maintaining healthy boundaries, I gave my wife a written list of 5 things that must happen by July 5th of this year. #1: A job working no less than 20 hours per week. #2: Since I turned over the bills and such to her two years ago, (after all the years of whining) she has turned it upside down. Paid two bills (my name) late. She must get these financial responsibilities in order. As an aside, she did me a favor and had the late fees removed then got PO at me for being upset in the first place. What a beast I am……All her hard work lying her ass off to some customer service rep. Hearing her in action was illuminating. She was proud…..I am now a believer she is an accomplished BS artist. #3:She will fund (100%) her “hobby” she calls it…..
#4: The salary she makes goes into THE FAMILY checking account (she has always maintained her own personal account) #5: She will remove my name off the cell phone, get her own account or cancel the service all together.

I could care less if she does them. My guess is she will make a half ass effort at a job hunt and forget all the others….this is her MO from day one. Like my boss, I will send her reminders every two weeks. (I gave her the list of 5 things in an email). Tough crap! I want no surprises.
They are boundaries, not demands. Set the boundary and walk away. If I hound her, that is manipulation. Won’t waste my breath.

July 5th? 90 days after my son turns 18 and I can simply refuse paying any more of his boarding school tuition. Get this. After going through detox. police at my house. Dealing drugs from my basement window like Jack in the Box, a gun, and blowing over $150 K to “save” him. He wants to apply to a few private colleges……..Guess he learned at the foot of the master moocher?
My arms are folded. My mouth shut and one word. NO.

Yep….but we put up with it. It’s like waiting 21 years is not enough…….I believe it will get better…….

Imagine though (here I go again) I stayed home for 21 years and for the last 4 did animal rescue. Now, before anyone thinks this is pulling poor cats out of a tree or kittens from the sewer, get a load of this.
My wife and her cabal of nut cases set traps behind grocery stores. Restaurants and in large fields known to have these feral critters.
They capture these wild frigging cats, have them fixed, and return them into the wild. If they find kittens, they adopt them….that’s not so bad.
The feral cat capture stuff is like pushing a turd up a rope with toothpicks. Keeps her busy though!
The opportunity cost to our family are beyond description. One son in trouble at a $150 K boarding school, the other in a private high school. Yet, she keeps on keeping on, and I have epilepsy……….In the meantime EVERYONE loves my wife. She is nice, helpful, cheerful, and looked up to you. I on the other hand am a verbally abusive monster…..
How dare I work for a living and not be there for my two boys…..People, a very close friend of mine put it this way because I take everything so personal, the attacks by her family and all. he said “If you didn’t feel as bad as you do I would worry about you.”

Get thy self to a good attorney.

Best to get a lawyer involved now. Talk to a few of the best in your area. That will prevent her from using them herself.
Get all documents out of the house, or copied. Deed, birth certificates, passports…..all of it. Tax returns, bank statements. Take copies of her documents as well. Never know what is lerking out there.

Also, buy a voice activated recorder in case she gets crazy. She will try to have a restraining order if you decide for financial reasons to stay. It’s in the woman’s divorce handbook. Lesson 101. Domestic violence is not looked at kindly in this matters and it is so easy for a woman to cry wolf.

I’ll be praying for you brother

If there is irony, my wife traps feral cats and alters them as my contribution to the planet. She does it and I underwrite it all. A nuance wasted on her completely.
My wife is actually a master at trapping things, cutting their balls off. and then turning them loose. She needs no on the job training.

I feel like a pork-chop at a Jewish wedding.

Oh yeah…One minute you are emotionally absent to your children, next you are too bossy. Next you are not present….on and on and on….Jumping up and down on each foot depending on what voices she might be listening to at that moment.
Beleive me. I know if you could walk out of that door without any consquences I wouldn’t be responding to your post.
I get it.

I feel this every day. My in laws ignore me, talk behind my back, dismiss me and give me the all too familiar cold shoulder. i think my wife invented the cold shoulder.
I suffer from that treatment becasue I let the bastards rent that space in my head. I know it’s a waste of time, but I was very much a part of that family at one time so it does hurt. It hurts me to ignore them as well, but my pathology is attracted to woman and people who disrespect and withold. I’m still trying to get it “right’ and am attracted to those familiar emotional vampires.
She also has a woman therapist (divorced herself from a man who cheated on her) who has convinced her I am an “emotional blackmailer.” That term seems to be the most broad net definition that covers all ills of a one sided discussion involving a $150/ 45 min. co-pay.
Stonewalling, witholding sex, silent treatment and emotional disassociation do not really seem fit into that all too familiar type I’m drawn to.
I dare anyone not to loose it when any question or disagreement is ended with…….nothing. Silence. Passive aggressive abuse…..or, turning her glum silent treatment into an emotional gusher when the kids walk into the room, only to spin it off again on a dime when we find each other alone moments later. I’ve never seen anything like it outside of a cartoon.
My wife suggested i keep her isolated from her freinds and family…..Funny. She is a stay home Mom who never calls me during the day (unless she needs something or there is a problem) her own Mother gets on me for not knowing where her own daughter is when I answer my own telephone. The same woman who also accuses me of working too much. She does what she wants when she wants how she wants…. It’s that simple. We also have gone on EVERY single vacation with her family since before we were married.
Truthfully, I took her diagnosis of me to heart for awhile, until I started reading about things further and searching my feelings.
So don’t feel you are alone. if you want to figure out who’s wrong in your relationship amidst your in laws, just look in the mirror. It’s a no brainer. Blood is thicker, yadda yadda yadda…
My latest excuse for not going to those family fuctions are; I’ve got to color code my sock drawer. I have to backwash my Waterpik. The expiration date on the 1/4 full OJ is today.
Can’t pass up that can can sale….Don’t say no to every invite. Just get really busy. If you end up going to one or two, smile ALL THE TIME. make them think you know something they don’t.
Maybe they will stop asking.

Oh, when I bring up her physical abuse I have been told to stop being a baby. Also, when I cried a few times after our son was physically removed from out house in the middle of the night, I was scored for doing so ‘What are you crying for?” Nasty. Evil.

So here’s the deal. Very early in our marriage I was physically assaulted in front of my wife’s family. Hair pull and some harsh words. It was over an extended period of time it took for me to return to a family party with a few chairs.
I was stunned, but buried it deep. I guess as a man I really thought that was a good reason to bury it. After all, I’m not a baby….
A few years later it happened alone while on vacation. It was violent and I did defend her attack in the dark. I cried so hard.
Call that a WTF moment.
After that I lost respect and verbally I defended myself and admit I am at times pretty nasty. Fast forward 20 years and two kids later.
My wife covertly set up boundries and exacts them in an attempt, not to protect herself, but manipulate my behavior. Sometimes her mood changes in seconds, sometimes days. No passion. No attention. Nothing. She never worked and our sons are 17 (almost 18) and the other will soon be 16. Yet, no work, but a new fulltime hobby. Animal rescue.
Our oldest is into drugs, dealing, all of it. Thrown out of school….does not get any worse. After arm twisting and finally our yongest son flipping out over all the fighting, I relent and we sent him away to a wilderness program and a theraputic boarding school ($150,000). The wife still saves animals and our yougest goes to private school. My income to expense ratio is 226% and, yet, no job or even a half ass attempt.
Now the son who feels entitled to more, hates the boarding school and wants to finish out and plans on going to college……Backdrop. I begged, pleaded, reasoned, yelled, threatened and then sat him down and explained that the cost of his “rehab” exceeded what I set aside for his college. Meaning he had a chice. Well, he chose.

Now, reading up on how kids manipulate and emotionally blackmail parents, she has decided that it is me who is abusive and emotional blackmailer. Her family is onboard and her therapist echos the same danger signals. I read the articles and agree with some of the ideas might be me, but the worst are certainly not. In fact, I see her in alot also.

I’m so confused, hurt, sad and dispodent, but realize couples can love each other and yet not get along to the point of not being able to be under the same roof. The most hurtful is her family “The Greek Chorus” freezing me out and treating me like Rhasputin. Saying I am the cause of everything bad in my marriage and our son’s addictions and our familie’s dysfuction.

Wow….! never knew I had so much power…..

Couples break up over toothpaste brands, but this is without a question the worst relationship ever. Financially it will ruin me. Hoever, I also have medical issues (seizures) that have been going off under the stress like Japan’s after shocks. Stress is my number 1 trigger. I am 5 foot 6 and weigh 125 poounds. I sleep with the help of medication, but am so goddamn lonely.

It’s 8 PM and I’m in bed alone. With my dog who seems to stay with me before during and after seizures. A very protective JRT. A comfort.

I want my marriage to work, but am a good old boy who when cornered blows shy high. I recently told my son he blew his college fund, and as expected he flipped out because he feels entitled. I want him to understand what HE has done to himself. He can redeem HIMSELF, but on my terms. If he’s worthy of the trust and motivated plus committed.

HELP!

http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Ten-Signs-You-Should-Leave-Your-Man-Relationship-Advice/5

The part about the man being “liberated” kills me. Quits his job….etc etc…..It really hurts my spirit reading this stuff. Woman feel justified (almost happy) dumping men for far less than what I endure. “Throw his lazy ass out.”
Again, if i were to spend my days like my wife does rescuing animals, I would be institutionalized.

If you want to figure out who is right and who is wrong, just look in the mirror. If it’s really a game, the deck is stacked, cards marked, and counted. Forget it!
I’ve thought this and have even said this out loud. We have two teenage boys. One is away at a very expensive boarding school, the other is in a private high school so she literally has 9-10 hours a day for herself to do what she wants, when she want. In her case she is totally into animal rescue. Even after hours. All day. Every day.

So, if we were to reverse rolls (HA) I told her i would be institutionalized. Seriously! Think about it. A grown man with a college education, saving the world for animals while, staying home and CHOOSING not to contribute to over $9,000/ month in tuition. (Twice my net pay)!
First of all, i would not do it. Second I swear her family (maybe mine) would would have me evaluated. I’m very serious! I flip out when all her cell phone bills come in and i see the fuel bill from driving clatters of cats all over hells creation PLUS her psycotherapy bills!!!!!!
NOW I’m told i am an (get ready) an emotional blackmailer! Verbally abusive! Etc Etc Etc….

Again, the therapist I see on occasion who has seen our whole family has seen and heard all of it tells me ;”Who wouldn’t be angry?” he’s asked me if I have ever considered divorce. Recommened I at least talk with an attorney…..It was his unsolicited opinion. I don’t think trained family and marriage counselors generally render such opinions….

Anyway T.A., get ready. It’s only going to get worse! Sorry