Thanks
I joined a gym two years ago as the nonsense level went up. I went 5-6 times a week. My in laws told me i was “trying to escape.” I know you get it. Tom takes care of himself, bad. My wife saving cats, good. The question is not if I am trying to escape (oh, I am) , but why. AND, my wife sees a therapist to deal with new “coping skills.” (I pay for that therapy as well).
I went to talk with somebody myself. After about 5 visits in he said that I was very angry, but told me “who wouldn’t be?” He is a marriage counselor, but went on to tell me to get legal advice as an “escape hatch.” My freinds call me Saint Thomas. Pretty funny.
My youngest son? He’s my life. He talks to me. “How you feeling Dad?” “How was your day?” “You look tired. You ok?” “Guess what happened to me today?” We share a special secret sense of humor. He is my reality that i can have a really good relationship with somebody under our roof. We just roll….no agendas. No secrets. No sense of entitlement. Polite, respectful…..smart. We do what we have to do every day while the other two enjoy their world view from their own asses.
You mentioned something about insurance. That scares me. Why? It’s gone through my mind as well. Not that I would do anything, but I wish i could just become invisible at times. “Any place but here.” I hate my job for the last 30 years. (a long story) and I can’t make a change because we can’t afford that transition. Liberating at times because I just remind myself i have no choices. Makes life easy at times.
I’m 52 and with the $ I shucked out for “Jr” my retirement has been set back 5 years. $150 K in the span of 9 months……mind numbing. Then my wife wants him to apply to colleges and for me to encourage him to do so. I refuse. He’s on his own. I’m not a mean guy, but with his issues college is the last place on earth he should be. I didn’t create his problems, I can’t contol it, and i can’t cure it.
Again, I keep reminding my wife that I did not promise, buy or agree to take care of other people’s rose gardens. I can help, but only if my values dictate. Only if I choose. Hence, her phony baloney one (1) resume being mailed this weekend. (Funny….she even asked me for a stamp….).
I was afraid for awhile (not of leaving) but that I was addicted to misery. That i like it. I was terrified she would leave me or serve papers. At this point, she can do what she pleases in that regard. Not much different than what she’s always done. An emotionally damaged child/woman with significant daddy issues. Lucky me. I’m 7 years older than her…..Should have see that one coming. Oh well.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Yes….It’s all a $hit sandwich for men to eat. I don’t know why I thought she was working….Your situation sounds terrible. It’s a “follow me to the bottom” senario. I would not count on any bounce from her when you eventually hit bottom. My wife thinks the “money will always come.” She also told me “that’s what family is for.” Who’s family?
I paid for my wedding because her parents are financial noodleheads. My parents and family are savers, professionals. I will NEVER beg my family for a dime, but being an artist on brinksmanship, she is trained herself to become silent, stand still, and getting what she wants anyway. Meaning, she knows I will do anything to keep our family afloat and then uses my resentment as a bat to beat me over the head. A bat I PAY FOR!
My family minds their own business, but see things clearly now. They all have said on one level or another that she is out of touch. I think it worth repeating that if the roles were reversed I would have been insititutionlized (sp) years ago. I can’t drink because of my seizure disorder, so my Doc. gave me Ativan as a seizure emergency source, but it also helps when I pull into my driveway or sleep once in awhile. Gotta do what I gotta do. My seizure triggers are stress and lack of sleep. This time last year I was down to 125 pounds (I’m 5 ft 6) and did’nt notice how bad i looked until somebody asked me if I had cancer.
She could give a rusty crap. I drive 1 hour each way to work and have pulled over too many times to recall. I made a transition in Meds. last year and was unable to drive for a month. Period.
She stepped up and voluntered to drive. Within a week she was telling me tuesdays and Thursdays were “tough” for her, so a very good freind helped me out for a month.
Regreting marriage? OH YEAH! If I could walk out my door and have no ties with her, I’d been gone long ago. So, I hang in there. When the kids are gone it is abundently clear she will take off and live on direct deposit in her account to live a well deserved very long and healthy life.
Be well
I paid for my wedding because her parents are financial noodleheads. My parents and family are savers, professionals. I will NEVER beg my family for a dime, but being an artist on brinksmanship, she is trained herself to become silent, stand still, and getting what she wants anyway. Meaning, she knows I will do anything to keep our family afloat and then uses my resentment as a bat to beat me over the head. A bat I PAY FOR!
My family minds their own business, but see things clearly now. They all have said on one level or another that she is out of touch. I think it worth repeating that if the roles were reversed I would have been insititutionlized (sp) years ago. I can’t drink because of my seizure disorder, so my Doc. gave me Ativan as a seizure emergency source, but it also helps when I pull into my driveway or sleep once in awhile. Gotta do what I gotta do. My seizure triggers are stress and lack of sleep. This time last year I was down to 125 pounds (I’m 5 ft 6) and did’nt notice how bad i looked until somebody asked me if I had cancer.
She could give a rusty crap. I drive 1 hour each way to work and have pulled over too many times to recall. I made a transition in Meds. last year and was unable to drive for a month. Period.
She stepped up and voluntered to drive. Within a week she was telling me tuesdays and Thursdays were “tough” for her, so a very good freind helped me out for a month.
Regreting marriage? OH YEAH! If I could walk out my door and have no ties with her, I’d been gone long ago. So, I hang in there. When the kids are gone it is abundently clear she will take off and live on direct deposit in her account to live a well deserved very long and healthy life.
Be well
Hi There.
Wow. You have guts for stepping back and financially standing still. Staying close to your children is what it’s all about. I did not have that opportunity with the type of work I do. It’s stressful and requires a lot of focus, and ass kissing to stay ahead of the curve. No half ass effort works and that is just the way it is.
Man, your wife sounds like a cure for happiness. A few years ago I made a mistake and listened to one of those GD woman talk in shows. A woman was working full time and her husband had lost his job just as the economy tanked. She tearfully admitted that although he was a very good man she had lost all respect for him because he was not working. Gotta tell ya, I cried! If she were out of work society accepts it and gives her credit for taking care of the house. Like it was her choice all along. Long end short, men are castrated if visited upon by misfortune. I heard the nickle drop…..The deck is stacked.
A freind of my wife admitted to her that she was frustrated that her husband (a very free spirited science teacher) was not focused enough on money. She worked part time to fill in the gaps. So, there you have it! If we worry about money and focus on doing the right things, we are judged as being “absent.” If we lay back and take one day at a time “staying in the present” we are loafers.
A man taking “nature walks?” Using retirement money to make ends meet? I feel your pain.
I could stand in the corner on my head with both hands in my pockets and my wife could care less.
Our son is in a rehab type boarding school and my youngest in private school. $9 K/ month and she saves cats all day long…..The oldest in boarding school turns 18 Thursday. I made it clear (zero emotion) that he is on his own finacially and if she wants all these good things for him (a private college no less) both of them need jobs to make those dreams come true. I’m done. She whipped out her dusty resume this weekend and sent out one (1) package. Too late…..Her MO is sucking me into these dreams with promises to contribute…..Not this time. My son has to pay his first semester of Community College and if he does well, I MIGHT consider helping him for the next if I (in my opinion only) feel he deserves it. No more handouts! Time for the adults to take back control.
They are all (her family and her) are at his boarding school this week for spring break, which is more my spring break. I stayed behind.
In my case my wife will not work and every nickle will go to our lifestyle while she takes care of cats. My only choice it to leave, but my youngest son is just terrific.
Again, I give you credit for putting somewhat of an end to your abuse, but at least your wife works. I wish you the best, and just let your feelings fly.
Warm Regards
Wow. You have guts for stepping back and financially standing still. Staying close to your children is what it’s all about. I did not have that opportunity with the type of work I do. It’s stressful and requires a lot of focus, and ass kissing to stay ahead of the curve. No half ass effort works and that is just the way it is.
Man, your wife sounds like a cure for happiness. A few years ago I made a mistake and listened to one of those GD woman talk in shows. A woman was working full time and her husband had lost his job just as the economy tanked. She tearfully admitted that although he was a very good man she had lost all respect for him because he was not working. Gotta tell ya, I cried! If she were out of work society accepts it and gives her credit for taking care of the house. Like it was her choice all along. Long end short, men are castrated if visited upon by misfortune. I heard the nickle drop…..The deck is stacked.
A freind of my wife admitted to her that she was frustrated that her husband (a very free spirited science teacher) was not focused enough on money. She worked part time to fill in the gaps. So, there you have it! If we worry about money and focus on doing the right things, we are judged as being “absent.” If we lay back and take one day at a time “staying in the present” we are loafers.
A man taking “nature walks?” Using retirement money to make ends meet? I feel your pain.
I could stand in the corner on my head with both hands in my pockets and my wife could care less.
Our son is in a rehab type boarding school and my youngest in private school. $9 K/ month and she saves cats all day long…..The oldest in boarding school turns 18 Thursday. I made it clear (zero emotion) that he is on his own finacially and if she wants all these good things for him (a private college no less) both of them need jobs to make those dreams come true. I’m done. She whipped out her dusty resume this weekend and sent out one (1) package. Too late…..Her MO is sucking me into these dreams with promises to contribute…..Not this time. My son has to pay his first semester of Community College and if he does well, I MIGHT consider helping him for the next if I (in my opinion only) feel he deserves it. No more handouts! Time for the adults to take back control.
They are all (her family and her) are at his boarding school this week for spring break, which is more my spring break. I stayed behind.
In my case my wife will not work and every nickle will go to our lifestyle while she takes care of cats. My only choice it to leave, but my youngest son is just terrific.
Again, I give you credit for putting somewhat of an end to your abuse, but at least your wife works. I wish you the best, and just let your feelings fly.
Warm Regards
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Just stay close to your children. the last blow will be telling you that you work too much and you are not “present” for your children. Those mind games nearly did me in. If we had a disagreement, she clings to the children like euber Mom. Freezes you out, silent treatment, no sex, moody, until you cave.
You realize home schoolers have clubs and trips with other parents? My wife and our son went skiing a few days a week in the winter…….not a bad deal.
The opportunity cost of her not using her degree is HUGE! You could afford a very good private school that will help your children grow emotionally in a more structured setting.
Don’t let her weaponize those kids. Ultimate manipulation when you can’t be in two places at once. Especially when you get burned out at your job for 30 years and have no second income to loosen the tension.
We have zero debt and she acts (actually said) I should not worry too much about money because “it always comes.” A frigging child! It’s insulting and dismissive that her opinion of what I do is some sort of “magic.”
Home school???????? Brother….You are in for the long haul my friend. The concept is good in many respects if you have the means, but it will be tough on you for a very long time. Like I said, stay close to those children. If you loose that relationship you will end up like me….odd man out all the time. The guilt trips are mind numbing, hurtful beyond description, and the ultimate control over you. You think you feel resentful now? Just wait for discussions about colleges, cars, insurance, tap dance lessons. All of it.
I wrote and juggled the finances and was eventually told I was too controlling. Then when I gave her the checkbook, my 820 FICO score took a hit here and there because she didn’t have time to learn online banking and didn’t have a stamp. Or it got lost in her sun visor in the car…….there is always plenty of cash in HER checking account though. That’s right. She has her own checking which is HER money……On and on. Great Mom….No doubt about it. Terrible communicator, lousy friend and partner. As long as I go to work and shut the F up, all is well.
If I disagree I am verbally abusive, if I don’t engage and just go along I’m withdrawn and not present. I married an emotionally Daddy issues car wreck!
Good luck.
You realize home schoolers have clubs and trips with other parents? My wife and our son went skiing a few days a week in the winter…….not a bad deal.
The opportunity cost of her not using her degree is HUGE! You could afford a very good private school that will help your children grow emotionally in a more structured setting.
Don’t let her weaponize those kids. Ultimate manipulation when you can’t be in two places at once. Especially when you get burned out at your job for 30 years and have no second income to loosen the tension.
We have zero debt and she acts (actually said) I should not worry too much about money because “it always comes.” A frigging child! It’s insulting and dismissive that her opinion of what I do is some sort of “magic.”
Home school???????? Brother….You are in for the long haul my friend. The concept is good in many respects if you have the means, but it will be tough on you for a very long time. Like I said, stay close to those children. If you loose that relationship you will end up like me….odd man out all the time. The guilt trips are mind numbing, hurtful beyond description, and the ultimate control over you. You think you feel resentful now? Just wait for discussions about colleges, cars, insurance, tap dance lessons. All of it.
I wrote and juggled the finances and was eventually told I was too controlling. Then when I gave her the checkbook, my 820 FICO score took a hit here and there because she didn’t have time to learn online banking and didn’t have a stamp. Or it got lost in her sun visor in the car…….there is always plenty of cash in HER checking account though. That’s right. She has her own checking which is HER money……On and on. Great Mom….No doubt about it. Terrible communicator, lousy friend and partner. As long as I go to work and shut the F up, all is well.
If I disagree I am verbally abusive, if I don’t engage and just go along I’m withdrawn and not present. I married an emotionally Daddy issues car wreck!
Good luck.
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