I think she will be glad to see me go. Being, dependent, resentful, entitled and the identified victim will leave no doubt her justification for being paid the rest of my life.

I am far from perfect, but my resentment is almost entirely centered on not having an equal partner. (I’ve said this to her as plain as you are reading this). She quietly pouted how I was so controlling of our finances, yet she kept “her” money well segregated and balanced while I juggled supporting three people.

In a very real way I also felt embarrassed that we/I was struggling so hard to give her what she seemed to want. My biggest enemy were all the second guessing and doubt. I was told I thought and worried too much…..somebody had to.

When I started to wake up some time ago I did remind her that she should really be grateful I did all this so she didn’t have to. The response I get lately is “It’s not all about you.”

Well, it is about me because I’m a big part of our family. Her Dad died when she was 4, I’m 7 years older….I get it. But see, I’m not her abstract notion of a husband or father. She romanticized and embellished (all natural) her dad which nobody could live up to in the real world. It’s a shit sandwich.
My hard work and her stonewalling are a very bad combination. The more she sits still and less she says , the more second guessing I undertake, angrier I get, and the resentment builds. I feel like a marble in a tin can.

Most men are task oriented to some great degree. When the task is clear and your partner says NOTHING most anybody would naturally assume something was wrong.
So, rather than keep walking in the dark waiting for your nose to find the sharp edge of a door, I stopped altogether. Then the terms “emotionally absent” a la Oprah and Dr. Phil started popping up.
Talk about not knowing if you are foot or horseback….

It became easier and easier to throw up my hands and walk to my corner. I blocked out part of the silence by working which even though I disliked it, gave me some degree of satisfaction and control. Control of my thoughts, not of another person. I did not sign on to this. I wanted and was led to believe my wife would be appreciative and my equal.

I so want this to work and have some clarity as to the pathology that got us here in the first place, that some type of counseling will without question be in order to either bring this to a head, our set the new world order. It gives me more options in the near term.

Anyway, thanks for reading all my blather. Your comments and support help.

Regards