I feel your pain. My son came home last night at 2:30 drunk on vodka. I knew he was on something else and I said so. He dared me to test him. So this morning I bought a home drug test and …ta da! I took him up on his offer. Both pot and amphetamines….Good job.
We also got notification today he’s repeating his Jr. year in high school. Just a whole bowl of wrong!
He seems to be moving up in the world. I make light of this but if I didn’t I’d go mad.
Again the opening cost of a comprehensive program is north of $150,000. I diplomatically made an inquiry about liquidating her bonds to pay for part of this. Took seconds to hit the stone wall. She is consistent…

My strategy going forward? STAND STILL. My son is out of control, but MY feeling all along has been let him find his bottom. All the “therapy” in the world won’t help unless his heart is open to it. It’s not. $150K would therefore pay for hypnotizing a chicken.
The wife also had these issues when she was young, so the pendulum swings. The pathology is obvious.
All families have issues, and most if not all people are out of their frigging minds. The question is, too what degree?
Like you my wife is a very frugal person. She balances that out with cat rescue. Not the worst thing in the world, unless it rises to the level of a cult.

Should I stay? I say no for the same reasons you outline. I’m just not ready to destroy the village in order to save it. Yet.

Talking to people does help to a point. We can blame everyone all day long, but as in therapy the focus is really on us and what we want. Controlling our emotions is a big one for me. It makes no sense. Focus on myself is not easy when you have no idea where your mate is coming from. Maybe she’s waiting also? What do they say? Its complicated.

Stand still for now. See what happens, but remember. Your not crazy or alone.