You sound like good people and good parents. You have gone above and beyond. Tough love, but empathetic. A hard balancing act. Our son is 17, ADHD to the max. Smoking and dealing pot, drinking, and having a lot of sex with younger girls (thank God with protection – that we know of).
A friend of mine who went through this told me: You did not create it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. Sounds easy, right?
We are going through everything at this point. Blaming one another, her family blaming me for not being able to raise the boys better AND work a job that takes care of everything while their daughter cried working and child care were just too hard. Never attempted it, but I guess it just sounded like too much work. Who knows?

We looked into wilderness programs, therapeutic boarding schools to the tune of over $150,000/ year. NOT. My wife “wants” that though TADA!
I found a very good military boarding school about an hour from home, and our son seems very eager to go. Thank God.

Fact is I learned in business that you have to place, manage and execute by the rule. Focus on the goal and forget (for the most part) the hundreds of scenarios that could work or go terribly wrong. If you look at things as one big unending problem you are essentially letting problems manage you. Solving a problem with a problem.

I say military school because the problem is behavioral and not all together smoking pot, although selling the stuff is criminal. yes, he can buy and sell the stuff at school. He can just hook up with his friends on weekends and holidays and pick up where he left off, but my goal at this point is to give him a golden opportunity to graduate high school. That’s it. I can’t guaranty happiness or a magical turnaround if he spends 6 weeks in the woods making fires without matches, nor can I fathom what would happen after 8-12 months forced education and “therapy.” I don’t believe that worked out well at the Hanoi Hilton. It is brainwashing, and part of the program is they come and get them in the middle of the night. Oh yeah, this is serious and Utah is a very parent friendly state to get away with this type “program.”

There are no studies or peer reviews on the outcome of these programs, so anyone reading and in this fix, speak to as many people as possible first. Going to therapy and making someone go (with our without a court order) is somewhat of a joke.
Just keep asking the question: “And then what?” Wilderness program turns into boarding school. Boarding school turns into a step down halfway house, etc etc….bottom line, with this economy and a high school GED, the kid will end up back at home where the trouble started. In other words, it’s a waste of time.

Anyway, if you can take it and convince your wife, take the hard line. “We love you, hate what you are doing to yourself, but we wish you well. Be prepared to get a restraining order and late night calls crying that they are sleeping in somebody's tool shed. (A few friends of mine who are all very born again Christians, took such measures to protect themselves and the other children in the home.

Just me talking, but it might do you well to speak to somebody for awhile if your wife is not on the same page. Often both of you are scared shitless or are so confused and, in my case, angry as hell.

Your not alone.