You are exactly right. Make sure you understand (you might even sense) that you have a partner who can play the part of the baby seal on the ice, whip up tears, passive aggressive, or can simply beat you into submission well before you say “I do.” The trick is being honest with yourself if you suspect this trouble on the horizon.

In my case I partially blame myself for simply loving the idea being in love with my wife and ignoring the signs. I worked hard, took little risks (meaning I often stayed at jobs I often hated for the sake of security) and simply did the best I could with what I had until the resentment overtook me. Meaning the disfuction came back to bite me and propel my wife into the arms of another person who could now take care of her, only with the security of our home we owned free and clear, and half of everything else I broke my ass to provide and opportunities I gave up to make sure everyone was taken care of.. Talk about the ultimate betrayal…….

I’m now casually dating and can see things very clearly. Woman who were also duped (other side of the story) and those that would prefer a “white horse” variety of man in their lives. I call that initial date “one and done.”

Boys are not taught to protect themselves emotionally for this danger, and are actually taught to subordinate their emotions, values and beliefs to their partner in exchange for some type of ideal (non existant) relationship that will eventually get better over time, later to regret and morn things in that relationship that never were. (Opening eye stage).

In my case I really think my STBE still does not get it (more denial on my part I’m sure) because she still calls me (from her boyfriend’s house) for advice on how to (get ready now…….) invest the money I was ordered to give her as part of our settlement. It it appears she’s a person who has the same tendencies as people who have sex with dead people…………………………..AND for all that behavior I am rewarded with the title over “verbal abuser.” People, when you have a partner coming at you emotionally like Freddy Kruger there comes a point where “reason and logic” must sound like the teacher on the Peanuts cartoon…..wha wha wha…………………….because my feelings never really counted, but the outcome was all but assured. It was her who had to suffer all these years with a partner who should have just shut his mouth and done what he was told.
As my counselor often says to me: ….: “Tom, assume you are a very angry person. Who wouldn’t be?”

I’m afraid however that these tendencies cannot be appreciated until you have been dragged down the road for the ride of your life.